-Let's get to some news here, you guys.
I read that since last week's midterms,
President Trump has been acting sad and upset.
But his staffers are doing everything they can to cheer him up.
Today, they even rehired Jeff Sessions
just so Trump could fire him again.
He's like, "Get in here. You're fired.
Get on the elevator and follow him down to the limousine."
Actually, I read that Trump's been in such a bad mood
that his staffers are avoiding him.
It gets awkward when they try to hide in the broom closet
only to hear Melania say, "Get your own spot."
[ Laughter, applause ]
And if Trump wasn't already depressed enough,
today Fox News said that they support CNN
in their lawsuit against him.
Trump was so mad that, today, he told Sean Hannity
to come over and pick up his CDs.
He's like, "I'm keeping Hootie & the Blowfish.
Get out!
I don't miss you.
Yes, I do."
First, the midterms didn't go Trump's way,
and now Fox News is against him.
Today Vladimir Putin was like,
"Is bad time to tell him I support Bernie in 2020?"
Not yet. Just wait -- just wait a day.
There's a lot going on in politics this week.
Kyrsten Sinema just became Arizona's first female senator.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen
might be leaving the Trump Administration,
and Senator Kirsten Gillibrand
announced that she might run for president.
To be honest, it's a little confusing
because they're all named Kirsten,
so to help us all remember,
I thought I'd get out my guitar
and do a little "Tonight Show" Tiny Song.
Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
♪ Kyrsten, Kirstjen, Kirsten ♪
♪ Kyrsten, Kirstjen, Kirsten ♪
♪ One's Arizona's first female senator ♪
♪ One is being excused ♪
♪ One is thinking about running for president ♪
♪ Don't you get it confused ♪
♪ One's with a Y, one's with J, one's with an I ♪
♪ No, they're not spelled the same ♪
♪ There's three Kirstens ♪
♪ Not three Kerstens ♪
♪ All blond ladies, but not the same person ♪
♪ Kyrsten, Kirstjen, Kirsten ♪
♪ Kyrsten, Kirstjen, Kirsten ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Guys, hear this.
During one of his recent rallies,
Trump was talking about this state senator,
and he tried to say her name -- Leah Vukmir.
But he had a little trouble. Check this out.
-So if you want to uphold our laws,
our borders, and our way of life,
you need to vote for Scott Walker
and Leah Vukvar-r-r.
[ Laughter ]
-Arrrrr.
-Oh, he bails -- he bails -- he bails on Scott Walker.
He knows he's coming up, the name's coming up.
He's like, "Scott Walker." And then, "Leah..."
[ Laughter ]
Can I see it one more time, Dave? I just think it it's --
-Scott Walker and Leah Vukvar-r-r.
-Well -- well, we noticed that Trump
has trouble pronouncing things all the time.
So with that in mind, it's time to play "Talk Like Trump."
Here we go.
-♪ Talk like Trump ♪
♪ Talk like Trump ♪
♪♪
-So here's how this is going to work.
I'm going to see if anyone can guess
how the president is going to mispronounce a simple word.
And if you get it right, you get a prize.
If you get it wrong, you still get a prize.
All right, raise your hand if you want to play
"Talk Like Trump." Anyone here?
Yeah, come on over, yeah. Here you go. Stand up.
How you doing? -Good.
-What's your name? -Mary.
-Mary, where you from?
-I'm from South Orange, New Jersey.
-Hey, look, a new one from Jersey.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, Mary, in our first clip, President Trump
is going to try and say the word "midterm."
How do you think he's going to mispronounce it?
-[ Midwestern accent] Midterm.
-Well, that's pretty good. [ Midwestern accent ] "Midterm."
[ Normal voice ] You do a good Trump. That's pretty good. All right.
Let's see what happened.
-While significantly beating expectations
in the House for the midtown --
or mid-turn year.
-Ooh. We got them both. [ Buzzer ]
Yeah, sorry, "midtown mid-turn" is what he said, yeah.
That's incorrect. You still get a t-shirt, though.
Here's your prize. Wear it with pride.
Thank you for playing "Talk Like Trump."
Who else we got? Yeah, come on, buddy, yeah.
How you doing, man? Come on over. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How you doing, pal? -I'm good. I'm good.
-I can hold you so you don't fall down.
Sure. Yeah. -Thank you.
-What is your name? -My name's David.
-David, where you from? -I'm from Oregon, originally.
-Hey, perfect. All right, good. You go to Columbia?
-Yes. Yes. -Hey, good.
What's your major?
-I'm undecided right now. -Smart.
Okay, for our next clip, very simple,
Trump tries to say "economic output."
How do you think he's going to mispronounce it?
-[ Midwestern accent ] Economic output.
[ Laughter, applause ]
-[ Stammers ]
[ Laughter ]
Well, he's going to try to say "economic output," yeah.
-Yeah. -How is he going to mispronounce it?
[ Laughter ]
-Economic outpit. -Oh, outpit, okay.
Economic outpit. Okay, that's not bad.
Well, does he do that? Let's see what happens.
-Arizona's military industry supports 76,000 jobs --
that's big --
and creates $11.5 billion in economic outfoot.
-Ah. "Outfoot." [ Buzzer ]
Economic outfoot. -I was close.
-You were very close. Here, take that back to the dorm room.
Good to see you, buddy.
All right, we got time. One more?
One more? Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Come over here.
-Hello. -Hey, how you doing?
Don't get up, please. Just make it more diff--
Make it more difficult for her to cross over.
That'd be perfect. Yeah, hi.
-Hi. -Hi, how you doing?
[ Laughs ]
You with this guy? -He's a gentleman.
-He's a gentleman? Well, okay, there you go.
He's having an off night. I'm just kidding.
How do you guys know each other? -Boyfriend.
-Oh, how long you guys -- -Three and half years.
-Three and a half years? Time for a ring.
Ha! Okay.
Here you go.
What is your -- Well, the holidays are coming up.
You never know. What is your name?
-Danielle. -Danielle, where you from?
-Bayville, New Jersey.
-Hey, I love New Jersey in the house. Hey!
I love New Jersey.
For our final clip, Trump tries to say the word "renovations."
How do you think that he's going to mispronounce "renovations"?
-Renovations.
I tried to do the lip perk.
-Oh, okay, all right. So "renovations."
Okay. Is that the way it happens?
Let's see.
-The wall is under construction.
A lot of work has been done.
A lot of renoverts-- -Ooh, "renoverts."
A lot of "renoverts." Here you go. "Renoverts."
Hey, nice to see you.
Hey. Oh, look at that.
That's what I'm talking about! That's a good man.
Nice to see you, buddy. Thank you very much.
That was "Talk Like Trump." Thanks to our players.
Let's get back to the monologue right here.
Hey.
-♪ Talk like Trump ♪
♪ Yeah, talk like Trump ♪
♪♪
-Guys, listen to this.
Over the weekend, a man in New Jersey
was charged with a D.U.I.,
and he told police that the reason he drank so much
is because the Jets suck.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That story again --
A man in New Jersey has been drunk for 50 years.
[ Applause ]
Actually, the man was driving while drunk and high.
When asked why he was also smoking weed,
he said, "Well, the Giants suck, too."
So, terrible.
And finally, you guys, Thanksgiving is next week.
And I heard about a new recipe where you can make a Turkey
that's covered in glitter.
If you want to pick one up,
you can get them in the freezer aisle of your local strip club.
You guys, we have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots!
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