Hey y'all welcome to my couch! Just kidding it's not really a couch. It's
just a crash pad and this is not permanent. Although, it is really comfortable.
So today I want to discuss the topic of, in regards to living in a
car, like what it was like in the beginning. Because for me it was
something that was really really hard. So I kind of just want to talk about like
why it was hard, some stuff that I learned during the process, and then just
touch on maybe some things that I would do differently. So pretty much when you
hear about people living in cars or vans, there's gonna be two common routes that
they kind of took to get there. And the first one is gonna be more of a negative
experience. It's gonna be people who were forced into this position because they
didn't have an alternative and it's typically, like I said, it's very negative.
They're not happy about it, they weren't willing to do it, they're very upset, they
may even hate it. Like it's- it's very- just not what they wanted at all. And
then the second would be people who choose to do it. Maybe they saw someone
else doing it whether it's in person or a video whatever, but they're
more willing, they are willing ,it is a positive experience. And don't get me
wrong they might still be apprehensive about some things, but they took the time
to alter their life prior to moving into a vehicle, they were prepared for it, they
budgeted for it, or at least have put some thought into it and realized
"hey like I want to live this life I'm going to do this" it was very much a choice.
But here's the thing, like neither of those two categories is where I really fit in.
I was kind of like on this fine line of being right in the middle of the two of
them. And I think there's a lot of other people that you know- I very
much believe that me as a human I am NOT the first person to ever feel what I
have felt or to go through what I have gone through you know, just variables duh!
Like someone else has been in my position, has felt my feelings, and so because of that
I have to believe that there have been other people walking this fine line or
that are currently in this weird limbo of just not knowing how to really handle
it because you're in the middle of like absolutely hating your position, but also
somewhat enjoying it and you kind of go back and forth like it's this roller coaster ride
and so for that reason very much is why I kind of just wanted
to talk about it for anybody else who is like in that in that weird place.
And just keep in mind that my mentality has since totally changed all of these are
just the facts I mean my feelings and thoughts have evolved so much since then
but in 2014 this is who I was, this is what I thought, how I felt, what was
happening, and just how it went down. So towards the end of 2013 I had been in
San Diego for like two years I think at that point and I was lost. Lost in the
same way that most people are when they're trying to figure out adulting
you know, like their life path and their career choice and things like that.
But as lost as I was I kind of felt like there were certain things that
regardless of how I felt or whatever path I was going to go down there were
just certain things like that I needed to do. Like I needed to finish school, I
needed to work, and make money so that I could 1) pay for rent and like my car
but also because 2) this is how people progress in life: school and money.
So I was just kind of like going through the motions and I felt like the more that I
worked or the faster that I finished school like then the sooner I would get
to a place in my life where I was content where I was happy. So I kind of
just buried myself in these two things and honestly, I kept myself so busy that I
ended up losing touch with myself. Okay so while this was going on, I had- this is
gonna sound really gross, because it is really gross, but whatever truth.
I had developed like a sweating problem and like this weird thing was happening
with my heart and I was just kind of confused I wasn't really sure what was
going on. So what would happen is that I would- I was sweating and not just like
"oh dang, I'm sweating" it was like "whoa, bro, what the heck" like it was my hands,
my armpits, the back of my legs, like my feet, like literally I was just- I was like a
walking puddle. I could lift up my hand like this and I would have drops fall
down from my hand like what what even is that?!
And then the heart thing like I knew it had to be related, but like my heart
would just- it would beat like a million miles a minute
like 24/7, other than when I was sleeping. So I would literally like lay down to go
to sleep and I would just- I would be so uncomfortable because I would be
sweating like in my bed, it was so annoying! And I would finally
like fall asleep and the second, like THE second that I woke up I would be like
"Hey. Hello world." Open my eyes and BAM I would start sweating. It was like "what?" like this is
ridiculous and literally my heart was just like ba boom ba boom ba boom like all of
the time and then since like my hands were constantly wet I started to get
like these weird like right here and right here even like on my fingers like
especially like on the sides- I don't know why i'm showing you my finger, I
mean if i just say it you can picture it right? But anyways, I started to get these
like weird little bumps because my hands were like wet all of the time and-
I mean naturally you can see how that would be really really annoying. Like not
only is like my heart rate going crazy, that's annoying, but it's causing me to
sweat like uncontrollably all of the time. Gross! like no, just so much no.
So I had planned on going back home for- this was in December so it's like christmas
break, so i had planned on going back home for christmas and I called up my
mom and I was like "Yo please like go with me to the doctor cuz like I don't
know what's happening but it's gross, it's weird, I'm not down, like this needs to be handled"
and of course she's like "yeah yeah okay".
So I get back, I'm visiting my family, I go to the doctor and they do
like all these tests on me and the doctor basically tells me she's like
"Honestly, I think you're suffering from like severe anxiety and depression".
And at first I'm just like "What? like no. I'm fine. You know, like I'm good."
But then she kind of sat down with me and just was asking me all these
questions and talking to me having like a deep real conversation and I remember
at one point she like reached over and touched my hand like towards the end of
all this and I just like burst into tears because it felt like I had just
been hit in the face with this realization of like: I was miserable.
I and- I didn't even- this is what I mean when I say that like I lost touch with myself
because I hadn't even bothered to check in with me to see like
"Hey like, how are you doing dude? like how are you feeling?"
Like I knew that I wasn't exactly like happy, but I thought that I was going in
a direction where I was doing all that I could- where I was taking the right steps
in order to be happy. And then to just kind of have this talk
with her and like I said really just absorb the idea that like whatever I'm
doing, it's not working because it's only getting worse
and I can't I can't run away from it any longer,
I can't bury myself in work and school any longer, and just think like
eventually everything will be okay, because if I keep doing the same thing
and expect different results like that's just silly. You know what I'm saying like
something had to change. Had I not gone to the doctor and had
that conversation with her and all of that like I never would have indulged in
the idea that like maybe THAT is what was wrong with me. Like I very much went
to the doctor for the fact that I thought like I don't know there was some
irregularity with my heart or something less serious. I really thought it wasn't
gonna be that big of a deal. I thought they were gonna give me like some
antibiotics or something and all would be good. But then- oh gosh
And honestly I was mad
like at myself because I was like "How did I let this happen?" you know, and
I mean then she just started listing different treatment options and like
medicines that she could prescribe me or whatever and I just- what really hit me
was one of the medications that she was talking about giving me or whatever was
to slow my heart rate. And I was just kind of like "I don't know. I don't want
to take medicine that's gonna slow my heart rate down just so it can mask the
fact that I'm so unhappy with my life." you know? I mean I don't think if you're-
if you have anxiety or depression or something PTSD like whatever falls into
that category like there are some people who need medication, who want medication,
who it works for them, and I'm not saying that I'm not that person because frankly
I didn't even try because I wanted to try something else first. I just really
wanted an organic way to do it and like I said I just felt like I really wanted
to do this for myself. So, in an effort to just get better I started thinking about
my life in San Diego and you know, this is where my perspective "at the
time" very much comes in because as I said earlier like I very
much felt like the way to move up in the world or to progress was through like
having money. And now, in retrospect, I realize that bettering yourself and
having money are two different things. But I think those two things were just
so blended at the time that they almost seemed the same to me. That's just, like I
said, that's just what I thought. So I had, I kind of took a step back and I was
analyzing my life and what I had been doing in San Diego was exactly that. So I
had really cracked down on trying to make as much money as I could, but also spend
as little as I could. And so by trying to do that I had created this lifestyle for
myself where I barely had a social life because I was so busy just working every
possible hour that like if I wasn't in school I was working and then on top of
that I had been doing a lot of stuff that was just like unconventional ways
of making money because you know you're only making a certain amount of money at
your job I was being paid hourly and so I was like there's only so many hours in
the day but I can work so there's only so much money that I can earn and so
there's got to be like alternatives so I had been taking online surveys for
money, I had been donating plasma for a while, I you know skimped on groceries
because I started dumpster diving, like and then like just going through my head
like I said, analyzing and being like objective about my life I was kind of
like "what is going on? like my life has turned into some crazy I don't even know
like I don't even know what's happening anymore."
And so like looking at it that way I was just like "yo I can't do this anymore.
like that life, peace-out. Can't do it". And so this is where like with all of that
combined, this is where the idea of "home" really comes into play for me and it's-
it's why I call the channel Homeward Bound, like this idea of home is really
what has fueled almost every decision that I've made ever since that point
ever since I realized that there was a problem and I needed to change something
it's been relevant. And I'm very well aware that this kind of took shape in
very psychological form, but that doesn't- it just because I know why I'm feeling
something or why I was feeling something it doesn't change the fact that I still
felt it. And again this is one of those things that like my idea home has
definitely evolved, it's totally different now, but at the time it was
kind of like in times of crisis what do you want? You want a safe
place and so that is what I recognized as home. Like a safe, secure, stable
environment that I could go to when I was most desperate like just when I
really really needed to. And because of my mental state like at the time I
really felt like life was just drowning me dude like I felt like I really did
feel like I couldn't breathe and if I could just have just a minute
not even a minute, just like a second, just a second to relax I felt like it
would all be okay. But in real life like you don't get you don't get to just put
life on pause. And so that was kind of this problem that I was feeling
inside and I was being faced with. I really just felt like I needed a break
and what I identified with as a break was this superficial idea of having a
home where people get to go to their parents house and you know stay there
for an indefinite amount of time. That's what I saw as the average person being
able to take a break. And I'm not gonna lie like for a good portion of my life
like I was jealous of that, you know because I didn't have that. And so
because- the reason I'm explaining all this is because it's very relevant to
the decision that I made- because you take that and then you combine it with
all those other feelings and thoughts and whatever and that's kind of where
I'm at right? Also at the time, like when I went back to San Diego after Christmas
break my roommates and I were very close to just parting ways. Like everybody
was gonna live in different places so I was- it's just timing you know, I was in a
position where I needed to figure out like where I was gonna live next. And so
I'm kind of going down the list of my options of what I thought I had and it
was like "Okay renting? Like no I'm so over renting."
"I can't do this anymore. Living with family? Not an option. And so where does"
"that leave me? That leaves me with buying a house." And the only notion of a home
that my brain could register back then was like a traditional house. You know
the ones that cost like hundreds of thousands of dollars or at least like a
substantial down payment, which of course I did not have. So I remember meeting up
a friend for coffee and I was kind of just like in my own head like
brainstorming like "Okay like how am I gonna do this? How am I gonna buy a house?"
Because that is what I have landed on as the answer to my problems and it was
this: how can I save as much money as possible and do it quickly? And that's
kind of when I just verbally announced like "Yeah you know what? I think-"
"I think when I get back to San Diego I'm just gonna move into my car." And luckily
like my friend was pretty supportive, he was just like "Sure yeah"
"like you should do it and if it doesn't work out like you can always find a"
"place to rent." And even to this day like it doesn't sound rational, doesn't sound
logical, like "Oh I have severe anxiety and depression. How am I gonna fix this? I
know, I'm gonna move into my car." like bro, what? what? But like yeah, that's what I'm
gonna go with because it was just like this act of desperation. So like I wasn't
forced into my car in the way that I was like laid off or disabled and just like
this domino effect of horrible events to where it happened, but in my
state of mind and with everything that I knew to be true at that point in my life
I definitely felt like it was my only option. And so like when I decided to do
this it was not not an easy decision. I mean I had never heard of someone living
in a car by choice, I'd never seen a converted van, I didn't even know people
lived in RVs full time, like yeah there was no #vanlife on Instagram yet.
And I mean that doesn't mean that there weren't people doing it because
people have lived in vehicles, or RVs, or airstreams, whatever for the longest
time, but I was completely naive to it. And it wasn't as like in your face as it
is now. I mean and even now like there's still so many people that are unaware of
this lifestyle or just alternative living in general
and maybe I only think it's more knowledgeable or widely known now
because I'm more immersed in the culture. But so like because of this, like I was
not prepared to move into my car at all and so a lot of those times I get the
question like "Oh like weren't you scared?" and like yeah, I was terrified, but
it was the only thing that I could think of that I could do without compromising
some part of myself in the process. The decision was made from a different point
of view it wasn't like "okay I'm gonna move into my car and how am I gonna cook?"
"where am I gonna sleep?" it was like "that stuff like I said, just like- that's all
just problem-solving. The bigger problem, the biggest problem in my life right now
is the fact that I'm unhappy so I'm willing to try anything to fix it."
Then I went back to SD and it was real quick you know, I just kind of packed up
my stuff, put it all in my car, and it was December 31st 2013 and then I went
hiking at Cowles Mountain, once I was done I got back in my car and I sat there and
I was kind of like "Alright. I have nowhere to drive to, so where am I gonna
sleep?" So I ended up driving to a movie theater, just kind of parked in the back
like by this tree, and I laid my seat back, and it was just- I was like "Wow am I
really gonna do this? like is this really happening?" and I was kind of like
"yeah I guess, sure. Like first night hardest night
right? Like once it's over... should be okay." and I was- I was really excited, but I was
also really sad you know so it was a weird, it was a weird feeling.
And so you know I just went to sleep because I didn't I
really didn't know what to think about it. And so for the first few months of me
living in a car it was just... man, it was rough okay like I lived on those cheap
jack-in-the-box tacos for a while. At one point I had gone a full 10 days without
showering and I only mean like I didn't shower like kind of like a traditional
shower like I had baby wipes, and I brushed my teeth, and you know I cleaned
up, I changed clothes- I was wearing fresh clothes every day so
stuff like that. But I um yeah, ten days without a shower man it was- it was
pretty brutal. So basically like out of necessity I gradually learned just how
to go about daily tasks, but it definitely wasn't something that was
common sense. I mean I had never even been camping before okay? So I was at a
loss. You know you go from living in a house where things like hot water and
charging your phone are just second nature to when you're living in a car
every little thing has to be thought out to some degree. And it was literally, like
I said, it was just it was the hardest thing that I have ever done- it's just
being in that position of not knowing anything and just having to figure it out.
And not to mention that like my mental state was still really fragile
you know my anxiety and stuff didn't just magically go away. So like little
things that were- like looking back on it, it's so silly, but just little things
like when people would ask me like what area I lived in or something or if I
wanted to meet up and hang out or if they offered to like pick me up at my
house or something like those things would make me cry, they would make me
really sad because I don't know I was, I was embarrassed about living in my car.
And I mean because it would make me think of the fact that like I don't have
a home technically I mean because at that point I hadn't really you know felt
like my vehicle was my home because it was just supposed to be like a temporary
thing and again I had never heard of anyone like embracing that type of thing.
So I very much felt like I just didn't have a home and I felt very lost,
I wasn't sure if it made it better or worse at that point. And I didn't want to
tell anybody that I was living in my car because they were either gonna worry
about me, which is justifiable ,or they were just gonna have all of these
questions that I did not have answers to, or they're gonna judge me and have pity
on me and think that what I'm doing is wrong or crazy. And I was just in such a
fragile state mentally that I felt like you know them
asking like "Oh like how do you do this? How do you do that?" And me being like "oh
I don't know." like it was just- I felt like it was gonna break me. Because if I
didn't provide the answers then they were gonna start with the whole like
"Well what are you even doing? How is this even feasible? Like this isn't even sustainable."
And I was just gonna be like "oh my gosh" like I just was in no
position to handle that. So in an effort to avoid all of that, I just I didn't
want to tell anyone. And you know I was embarrassed, I was not confident at all, I
didn't know if this was gonna work, I didn't even know if this was gonna be
worth it, this was really just all part of a temporary solution as to like how
to buy a house. And so like I didn't even know how I was gonna present this
to somebody even if I did want to tell them. And like the thing is too is that
yeah I was embarrassed for people to see me in a certain light, but that judgment
of how people see me is gonna reflect on my family in a certain way and I just
like I didn't want to do that to them. So there's this one day that I remember
very very clearly: I had gone to Barnes & Noble to charge
my phone. So I'm kind of sitting in basically like the center of the store
in this conglomerate of chairs and outlets and everything. And I sit
down, and I'm the only person there, I'm charging my phone for a while and then
these two other people walk up and they proceed to do the same thing. And it
just so happened that they were homeless I mean you could tell by the way that
they looked, but they struck up conversation with me and you know I'll
talk to just about anybody. So we ended up just discussing like different places
that we each showered and they gave me tips for like cooking and that was a big
eye-opener for me because I was just like "whoa my life is at the point where
I'm comparing notes with like 'these' people." And for a minute there, while I
was wrapped up in my emotions, I was like "I don't like this. Like I don't like
that we have so much in common." And that's when I realized that like
THAT right there, THAT'S the reason that I'm not confident in this decision, that
I don't feel like I can tell people about it, is because I feel like that
right there that image- the way that- I just felt like I was in such a weird
position because I was not only the judge but
also the judged. Because I was judging these people, but yet I had so much in
common with them and it was just like I don't know that like contrast or lack
thereof I suppose is really what helped me to see that the real issue I had with
telling people was, yeah it was that I was embarrassed, but when you break it
down- it was that I didn't want people to see me the way that I was judging those
people in that very moment. Like okay so for instance if my mom's at work and
someone asks her like "oh you know how is your daughter doing?" She's gonna be like
"oh yeah like she lives in her car ..." Then that right there, that person who asks
her, her co-worker, is going to have this image burned in their brain of me as
like this degenerate that just- I don't know yeah and I was just like not about
it. I was not about it at all. But at the same time it was like I had talked to
these people you know and I talked to them for at least 45 minutes and there
was nothing wrong with them. They were nice, they were polite, the conversation
was mentally stimulating, they actually like helped me, I learned something
coming away from that, and so I was just like "What is so bad about being them?"
"Like why do I have this feeling like if someone puts me in the same category as"
"them that- why should I feel self-conscious about that?" because here I
was talking to these people and I thought they were regular, respectable,
human beings they were just a little grimy and I mean if that's their choice
that's their choice. And I know that it's it's a cliche, it's an age-old lesson, that
no matter who you are and no matter what you do people are going to judge you.
And there's nothing, like not a thing that you can do about it. And it's
not like I hadn't heard that before or I had this crazy epiphany, but it really
was just like in that moment it was jarring. It put things in perspective to
me and like I feel like that was the very
moment that I was just able, I was just able to let go. I could let go of all of
these expectations that I had put on myself and honestly for like what? like
why? just because that's the way you're "supposed" to live your life, that's the
way you're "supposed" to do things. Like what does that even mean?! And I just
thought about it and I was like I don't know, I don't know what that means. So why
do I even care?? I don't know, it was- it was just so freeing to finally be like
you know what? Nothing really matters anymore... like if people thought that I
was not successful, or I was a loser, or that I was gonna amount to nothing, like
bro honestly... cool okay whatever don't care. And I feel forever indebted
to those two people because I mean, I'm sure it would have happened at some
point, but just by mystery of the universe it just so happened to be like
that conversation is what truly sparked my understanding of this idea that I am
NOT other people's thoughts. I am not even my own thoughts. I'm just I'm the
awareness of my thoughts. Like even the stuff that I think about me that doesn't
mean that it's me so definitely the stuff that other people think or say
about me like that has no reflection as to who I actually am. And I realized that
I needed to let myself choose to love life, to live life, because up until that
point I had not even given myself that option. I had told myself that there was
a certain way things needed to be done and a certain timeframe in which I
needed to do them. I was going through the motions and I was so unhappy and I
never let myself stray from from those confines of that plan and that wasn't
even my plan, it was some plan that came from who knows where made up by who
knows who and people are just told to believe it and act it out so we do. And
like the reason, the reason that I had been so depressed and anxious I mean it
was all my own fault really it's because I had grown up thinking that there was
one way to live. Society says like this is what you need to do to be successful
this is what a successful life is and since that was all I had ever known
that's what I was trying to do, but I was doing those things- I was taking those
steps and I was not happy, but I didn't even think to
question it because I didn't even know that I could. At that point I needed to
restructure everything that I had ever thought about success. Everything that I
had ever seen or heard or known about being successful because being
successful isn't just about money and having a lot of things. It could be if
that's how you want to view it, but that's the point, that is the point.... is
that it could be a lot of other things too. And like now, present day, I get a lot
of people that are like "oh wow like you live in a van, like you're so brave
that's so cool, you're so happy, you're so positive, I wish I could be like you whatever"
and it's like I had to overcome a lot of stuff in order to get to this
place. And a lot of what has to do with like why I'm so happy now and how
I'm so positive now has to do with the fact that like I feel like I hit rock
bottom if not like very very close. So coming from that, like I can only go up
so yeah I'm happy now, I'm positive now, I'm confident now, like because that was
the worst place that I have ever been in my own head, it was the worst place that
I have ever felt, and it was the most lost that I have ever been,
and the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. And so now that that is not
where I am anymore and I don't care what people think and I'm totally comfortable
in my own skin it's not hard to be happy it's not hard to be positive. So if
there's anything that I could have done differently it would have just been to
stop caring about not only other people's judgements, but my own as well a
lot sooner. And to just keep in mind that things are not always easy. They don't
always make sense even, but you just have to stick it out and be brave and that
takes a lot of guts, it takes a lot of trial and error, it takes a lot of effort,
it takes a lot of failing, but I mean I really think it's worth it. And also
something that wasn't exactly possible in my case because I decided to move
into a car in such a limited amount of time, I think I literally decided in like
a two week maybe two and a half week time span, but what I always recommend to
others is to just be prepared, as prepared as you possibly can
you know use your resources, do some research, and kind of figure out as much
as you possibly can. Like how you're gonna cook, where you're gonna shower,
maybe some places you could park to sleep, that way you won't just be
clueless like I was because I think that was a huge
contributing factor to as to why it took a long time for me to kind of adjust is
because I had no idea what I was doing. But yeah sorry this was so long. I'm
going to stop it here and I will see you guys next time
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