Hey hey, my friend! Welcome to Parenting A to Z! I'm Kelly Bourne and this week we're
diving right into tidiness -- how to get our kids to clean up after
themselves! I know it can just be such a stress sandwich, can't it?! So I've got
some really great tips on how to deal, kind of split in two -- I've got some tips
for the set dealing with kids under age 5 or 6 or so, and then I've got some tips
on how to deal for the older kids as well. So grab your cup of coffee
and we'll get right to it!
So what's the big deal with tidiness? Well, I think
first and foremost, the thing that really gets us off the top, is just the sheer
mess of things, right?! When we clean something up and two seconds later
everything is a disaster. Like literally, out of the corner of my eye right now I
can see a stack of blankets in our living room
that I clean that up right after breakfast that is now spread all over
the floor. So it can get a little tiring constantly
cleaning up the messes. And not to mention, I think one of the bigger issues
is the effect it can have on our relationships, and how the constant
battles and the constant fighting can really put a strain on on our
relationship. So diving right into some tips on how we can alleviate not only
the the mess factor, but also kind of do some relationship repair and stop the
fighting, and stop the battles, some tips for our under-fives.
I think the first thing, and I know I'm so guilty of this myself, is just doing
a little audit of how much stuff they have. How many toys they have. Because it
is really hard -- it is next to impossible! To keep a tidy area, or a tidy living
room, or a tidy bedroom, if you are drowning in toys and drowning in stuff.
It just it all gets to be a little bit much. Heck, just even think of us in our
adult lives. I swear minimalism and and cutting back,
and clawing back on things is such a huge trend right now, because we're more
stressed out than ever, we're busier than ever, and having all of this "stuff" and
needing everything to have its place, can get really overwhelming. And
it's no different with our kids. So just kind of step back and do a little audit.
Maybe there's too many things. Maybe the answer is actually stepping
back from the toys just a little bit. And then when it comes to actually getting
them to pitch in and getting them to help out, I think one thing that a lot of
times we can overlook, is that we need to show our kids how to do this. Sometimes
we can fall into this trap of just wanting them to clean up or wanting them
to be more tidy, without actually showing them how to do it, or joining them in the
process, so they know where everything goes. And you can even make it fun. You
can make it a race against a timer, you can use your imagination be creative. But
just do it *with* them. Do it with them, especially for those in the under five
set, especially with 18-month-olds, two-year-olds.
Doing it with them, helping them out. Because again, those two-year-olds can
make one heck of a mess! They can be a complete tornado and turn a
room upside down in two seconds. So then cleaning that up on their own can just
be too much. It can be too overwhelming. So that's where cutting
back on the toys, first of all, will help you in those situations, but then helping
them and joining in with them and kind of sending the message that we're a team,
and we'll help each other out, will really go a long way. You can even divide
it as to you pick up the yellow blocks and I'll pick up the red blocks or which
toys do you want to do, involving them that way really really helps. But
just not forgetting that crucial step of showing them the ropes, and showing them
where things go, and showing them how to organize. Really teaching them those
skills. And I'm sure some of you are probably like, "yeah Kelly, that sounds
really amazing, but that is not gonna fly in my house!" Or you've already tried it
and your kids ignore you, or they just go to another room and make another mess
somewhere else. Oh it can be really stressful. So one thing that I
found works really really well, as far as winning my kids cooperation for tidying
up, is using a "when/then" statement. This is works especially well in times
of transition, where say the living room is a total disaster and it's it's time
for snack, or it's time to go to the park, or it's time to do something fun, just a
simple one-liner is: "When your toys are cleaned up, then I'll know you're ready
for snack." "When your toys are cleaned up, then I'll know you're ready to go to the
park." Tying the freedom with the responsibility. The
freedom to go on to the the next activity, or the next fun thing, with the
responsibility of tidying up our toys before we do that.
So "when/then" statements are honestly one of my magical -- I just I love
it! I absolutely love "when/then" statements. It removes me from being the
heavy, and it puts the choice in their hands. If you're
ready to do the next activity, if you're ready to move along and have fun,
absolutely let's do it. I'm totally ready -- when your toys are cleaned up. So "when/
then" statements are a total winner. And if you are still like, "Okay Kelly, yeah I
tried that. Okay it's not working. Okay, like is there any hope! Is there any hope
for my sanity and the cleanliness of my house?!" And yeah, there absolutely is!
Because I think as far as offering our kids choices and trying to teach them
responsibility and winning their cooperation, of course we're trying to
build all those qualities and characteristics, but there is definitely
a bit of a learning curve. And we are the adults, we are still the parents. We
set the overall boundaries for the home. So again, something that worked really
well when we run into this struggle in our family, if it's time to go to bed and
there's still toys everywhere, nothing's getting cleaned up, we'll just sit down
and talk to our kids about problem solving what we should do moving
forward. Talking about how dad and I aren't willing to tidy up the whole
house every night from all the toys that you guys are playing with. And one
strategy that really worked for us was just proposing that okay, if you guys are
gonna play with your toys, anything that doesn't get cleaned up before bedtime,
dad and I will happily put it in a little box and we'll just
pack it away for a week.
And then when the week is over we can we can go through and pull any
toys that they were missing. So this also ties back in with that
first point, it's really a way of
getting some of the toys and some of the unwanted clutter out. And then it also
sends the message to them that, okay if I'm gonna play with this, I need
to be responsible with it or it's going away. And this isn't like a threat, it's
nothing like that. It's really a
conversation with your kids. This toy situation is an issue, this is what I
am proposing, what do you think? And then you can kind of talk about it and go
from there. I'd love to hear how it goes, if you give
that one a try. It's definitely worked for us. And then, just moving forward a
little bit, those are strategies that really work for some of our younger kids,
but when we're dealing with older kids we need to put on a totally different
hat. Because they're at a different stage of their development. If you start
throwing when/then statements at them, or asking them if they want to clean up the
purple pencil crayons or the yellow pencil crayons, you're gonna totally
lose them. So I think the first thing with our older kids, is just to recognize
differing priorities. You may be a total neat freak, and you make your bed every
day, and you have your underwear all lined up in a row, and they may not share
that value with you. And that's okay. And I know sometimes, if that
is a value for you and you are a perfectionist in that area and you
like everything to be neat and tidy, it can it can feel nearly impossible to let
that slide. But just recognizing that we're all different, we all have
different priorities, and if they want to throw all of their laundry in one drawer
and just kind of pull through, like that's okay. That is okay. It's not
hurting anything. Sometimes we need to just step back a little bit. And another
thing tying really closely to that idea, is just the idea of respecting our kids'
private space. Oh it's so hard. It's one of those things that,
it's the ultimate kick in the pants of parenting, when our kids are really
little and they need us for everything, and they're on us, constantly touching
us, and needing us, and all we want is space. And then as soon as our kids are ready
for some space, or some privacy, all we want to do is like double down and bring
them back closer, and have more control, wanting to be all up in their grill
with everything that they're doing. But when it comes to our kids' private space,
like their bedrooms, I think we need to just step back and allow them to manage
that space how they would like to manage it. And I know for any of my
Type A'ers out there, or neat freaks, it can feel really impossible. But just allow
them that space. It doesn't mean that you become the maid! Uh-uh! No way! Because
with freedom comes responsibility. With the freedom to
have your private space and keep it however you like, also goes hand in hand
with the responsibility of learning to wash your own sheets, and
learning to do your own laundry, and taking on all of those responsibilities.
So just even, I'm thinking for my own life, like I could never lecture any
teenager on keeping a tidy room or tell parents how to get your kids to
keep a super tidy room, because my room was an absolute disaster! There were
clothes everywhere, stuff everywhere. But I knew where everything was! I was fine
with it. It didn't bother me. And I also vacuumed
my own room, and washed my own sheets, and did my own laundry, and it was fine. And
it was fine. I just shut the door. My parents didn't have to look at it, and it
was all good. It was all good. So sometimes I think we just need to take a
little bit of breather, allow that private space, but then also use it as an
opportunity to start handing over more of the responsibilities. Showing
your kids how to do laundry, and showing your kids how to vacuum, and showing your
kids how to wash their own windows, and all of that jazz. It can
all work out. if all this fails, just shut
the door! And of course, my last
point for our older kids is the same as with our younger kids. Is just really
trying to avoid doing it for them. Because if they're keeping a
messy room and you're going in and tidying it, and you're dusting, and you're
doing all those things, you're essentially robbing them of the chance
to learn those skills on their own. To learn what it's like
to maintain their own space. And then also to deal with the consequences of,
okay if I'm gonna maintain my space like a complete and utter pigsty,
it's not really very inviting. Mom or dad or my brothers or
sisters, or my friends may not actually want to be spending time with me in here.
I can even remember having one of my girlfriends over in high
school and her opening my door
and just being like -- this is what your room looks like?! And you do
get the hint when your friends start to say like, I don't know if I actually want
to be spending time in here... And then it allows your teens the motivation to do
it on their own, saving you from harping and nagging
and just again, like bashing heads and having it hurt
your relationship. Like a couple of dirty pairs of sweatpants on the floor, or
dirty plates, like is that really worth it?
Sometimes we just we have to let things go. And then finally, I feel like I should
just add an overall disclaimer in here too, because if you're noticing that
your kids' hygiene is really suddenly starting to slide, or their room
is suddenly a disaster, or they're hiding out in their room and it's part
of a broader behaviour change, definitely pay attention to that. I think
all of us parents have that intuition, we can kind of sense when our kid is just
not concerned with having a clean room, versus when our kid is really stressed,
or really upset, or really struggling with something. So if you're starting to
notice a decrease in hygiene, or a messy room, or lack of interest in
keeping things tidy where maybe they used to be really tidy, along with
other behaviour changes, or changes in their school environment, or sporting
environment, is just pay attention to those signals
and seek help if you need it. Because I don't want to kind of sweep it
under the rug, I know all these like cleaning metaphors, but really, trust
your gut. Trust your intuition. If you think this is part of a bigger issue and
that your child is struggling with something, of course go to your
doctor or mental health care professional. Trust your gut,
always. But I really hope that helps, guys. I know it can be really tricky,
especially if you're someone who likes the Legos to all be colour
sorted, and the GI Joes to be all in a row, but we sometimes just have to
back off. Notice if we've got too much clutter, notice if our kids
are overwhelmed with the sheer amount of toys, scale back if we need to, and just
as our kids get a little bit older, start tying some of those freedoms with
responsibilities, just kind of handing it over, stepping
back, and just shutting the door! So of course, let me know what you think, I'd
love to hear your questions or comments below. And as always, if you're looking
for more in-depth parenting resources and support, don't forget to join us in
the Parent 'Hood! I hold regular office hours and absolutely love chatting with
you and and helping you work through whatever issues you're you're currently
working through as you raise your kids. So enjoy, guys! I will see you in the next
video!
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