Hey guys!
So... it's Friday, the eleventh of August
which means, I had my appointment in Zurich today.
Most of you are probably coming from instagram or snapchat, so you already know
My gender therapist signed me up for HRT today
And I'm *very* excited
I went there with my mom; she came with me
Um, actually it was planned that she was just gonna-- sorry there was... dust
--she was just gonna be, um, like coming with me and just wait there, like, until the appointment was over
Cause-- we were on the phone yesterday and she asked-- I mean, I told her how nervous I was, cause I was a wreck
Um, and she asked me if I wanted her to come with my and I said--
I mean, I wasn't sure, cause I was kind of like, well, I'm not sure, like, how the appointment is gonna go
and... I mean, my mom is very involved and she knows everything that's happening
but I wasn't sure if it was gonna make me *more* nervous to have her in there with me
So she said she would just come with me and wait there
while I had the appointment
So-- Just that she could be there
Like, on the way there when I was nervous, and on the way back
like, no matter how it turns out, just so that she could be there
um...
But then-- Well, we got there, we waited, um, the therapist came to pick me up
And actually, we went all the way, like, to her office
And she asked me who that person was that I'd come with and I was like "that was my mom"
And she was like surprised that she didn't really recognise her as my mom
Um... and then she asked, if it would be okay for me to have my mom in there, cause
I mean, I talked about that she's like a replacement, and she hasn't actually met my mom yet
she hasn't actually talked to anyone except me, you know?
Um, I mean not that that is a requirement, but I mean it's interesting for her
So, we went and got my mom
My mom joined in at the appointment
And the therapist asked my mom a lot of things
Like, just from her perspective; how this whole thing has been for her
um... ever since I came out, or also about my childhood
like, if there had been any signs or something
And just... also how my mom deals with it; if my mom has any questions
And... if my mom has any worries and stuff like that
And... well, my mom... just told her--
I mean... the last couple of years haven't been easy for her either
It was a whole mess ever since 2014
Uh, when my parents split up
And that was when I--
I mean, it already started before that, but around the s--
I had my first, like, crisis, um, mental health wise in 2014
And... I mean it started, um, 2013 and anyway
Uh, 2014 my parents split up and...
that year and the year after that was a mess
and also 2015 was when I came out to her and my father
Um... and she just talked about that, because, like, ever since then
we've kind of just been, um...
You know, building everything up again and just working to get better and stuff like that
You know, all of that alongside me
you know, first coming out and then slowly socially transitioning and stuff like that
And, I mean my mom has been supportiv-- sup-- supporting me since day one--
I can't talk I'm sorry
Um, yeah
So the therapist just asked her a lot of stuff and my mom...
Like, she told her---
Trigger warning: suicide [skip to 4:10 if you want]
I attempted suicide in 2015
And... my mom was there. She was the one who called the ambulance and stuff like that
She was there in the hospital with me, and...
I mean... we've never really talked much about that, me and my mom
but it came up at the appointment today because she just talked about
how she'd been very worried for a long time to leave me at home alone
especially when I was not stable
Or, just...
I was for a long time-- I was kind of at a point where it could just... like...
It wasn't that I was in a bad way-- like, in a bad place, but it could just switch at any second
And she was worried to, like, leave me at home alone for a weekend or stuff like that
even though I was like 17/18, now 19
um...
But she was talking about how now, she can do that without a problem.
-- I mean, I'm only home at the weekend
I, like I said in a previous video, I live in an assisted living place, um, at the moment
I go home most weekends; it's in the same city, it's not far away
And, I mean, we do see each other every weekend, sometimes on weekdays as well
if we both have time
But now she feels more comfortable to actually, like, go away with friends or stuff like that
And she can leave me home alone without having to worry about me
And she was talking about that
And... my therapist kind of asked her how long she had been feeling that way
And... my mom said that she especially started to notice it
since, um...
I mean, we've lived together all my life before
I've never lived away from my mom
Um, the only time I've been away from her for a longer period was when I was in the mental hospital
And even then I went home every weekend
So, anyway
She said that she first really started to notice it, when I moved into the assisted living place
Which was not quite two months ago
And the therapist was kind of "Well, that's not really a long time"
And she kind of made it seem like she was gonna backtrack
Like, on the whole thing.
I mean just, you know, push it further into the future and...
I mean, me and my mom talked about that afterwards and we were both kind of getting worried
and she was like "did I say something wrong now?"
I mean it's not-- even if the therapist had done that, that's not my mom's fault
I mean she was being honest and that's good
Um... but, I mean, the therapist didn't.
It all came out well, but, yeah, that's just what happened
But... yeah.
Um... it was a good appointment
Like I said, that point was kind of worrying
But I was-- I mean, if she had said something about, you know, putting it further back
in, like, in the future-- it's just--
I mean, I--I wouldn't agree with that. I mean...
It's not like I haven't been stable at all up until the point in June when I left the mental hospital
I've been stable, like, for... it's Ausgust now, so, okay, well maybe not quite half a year since my last crisis
But the thing is
Um... right now, the only thing that is making me...
I mean, of course I have different moods like every other person
But the only thing, that's actually really making me feel bad and that's, um...
difficult for me to handle is my dysphoria
Cause I'm at a good place in my life
The relationship between me and my mom is...
it's changing, since I don't live with her anymore-- like, all the time
it's changing, but it's still very good; it's still very strong
I have a very good therapist - like, here in the city
I am very happy and very comfortable in the assisted living place
I feel comfortable with my reference person there, I feel comfortable with the people that live there with me
I am fully accepted as Damien and as a guy there
I... even though I don't have many, and they live far away, I have very good friends
I have a very good, supportive net
And... right now... I mean, of course there are gonna be other difficulties in the future
But right now, at this point, the only thing that's really making me feel bad
is looking into a mirror and just feeling so awfully dysphoric
Or the dreams that I keep having. About starting HRT or getting top surgery
I just had one two nights ago that really messed me up
Cause I just woke up and I was so dysphoric
And I know the dysphoria will not go away the day I start testosterone
But... it's a step in the right direction
And I'm gonna know that I'm going somewhere
And... even just now
She signed me up for it
I mean she sent an email to an endo and...
she doesn't know when exactly I will get the letter or when I will get an appointment
But I know that it's happening
I know that it's going to happen. I know that this is a start
And... I'm just so incredibly relieved
Because... I've just felt like everything was on pause
I've just been waiting for this to happen
And it's starting
I'm not there yet
This is not my first day on T
I don't know when I will start T, but it's happening
When she said that she was gonna send the email
Um, then she, like, turned around, so her back was facing us
and she was, um, writing the email
my mom and I were just like, high-fiving each other and stuff like that
And I was just... I'm really happy
And I'm so incredibly relieved
And... yeah
I just can't believe it's finally going forward
And...
I am aware that starting hormones is gonna be difficult for me in a lot of ways
But... in so many more ways, it's just gonna be a huge relief
And it's gonna make things so much easier
Like, me and my mom, we're both aware that I have struggled with mood swings in my past
with impulsive behaviour
and we are both aware that starting testosterone could
bring those things out more, even though, at the moment, I am quite stable
But, like I said, I have a very supportive net of people around me
Um...
The people at the assisted living place, they have worked with trans people before
they know about this stuff
my therapist is very supportive - even though I haven't seen her that many times so far
she's very supportive
I have my mom, I have my grandma, I have my friends...
Um...
Yeah, I'm ready.
And... I'm very excited to start this journey.
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