How's it going? My name is Chris Raynerson. That's Chris R-A-Y-N-E-R-S-O-N, and I got a
big video for you today as I'm going to be talking about my mental health, at
least what I know of it. I have not had any doctors opinions at all in my years,
mostly because I just kind of kept it to myself and I never really discussed it
with anyone and I just kind of want to give you like... kind of a brief history
because this past week; I was just gone. I was just not feeling well mentally. I
just wanted to stay in bed all day and I had nothing going on. Just nothing.
And it happens a few times a year, so I feel like if I'm completely open of what
I kind of went through with my mental health. Me just talking about it, I
feel like I could... you know... give people who are feeling the same way. Like if
you're feeling the same way you get kind of a relief that you know you're
not the only one. This is kind of a big deal for me. It's kind of just
like, I don't know what type of hornet nest I'm going to poke with doing this.
But I'm going to just try it so let's talk about my mental health.
Again, I've had no doctors opinions on this at all. This is all just experience
for me. Should I go to a doctor and see what the hell is wrong with me? Of course
I should! But I'm... just... it's again, a thing that I'm just really scared
about. [shudders] What I think about it... I just feel very... um... shaken when I think
about it. So let's talk about the very first time I ever felt any type of
mental illness. Of course I didn't know it at the time. Let's start with middle
school. So middle school I had a huge problems in middle school when it comes
to me getting any work done, getting any schoolwork done, and it was just because
of anxiety man. A lot of us go through anxiety but for me when it comes
to this, I pushed things off so bad to the point where I would just lay in bed all
day and not want to do anything at all. Didn't want to interact with my friends,
didn't want to interact with the family. That was that, and I kind of brought
it up that maybe it was... ADD? Again I
couldn't.. it couldn't possibly... I had no clue what anxiety meant. I didn't realize,
"hey, this is just anxiety. You're building this up to the point where
you're going to delay doing stuff to the point where you're going to
feel like it's impossible to do so." I constantly did that in middle school.
Always got in trouble and just no one really understood what the hell I was
doing or what the hell I was going through. And it was all just, you need to...
you need to work harder! You need to actually put in the work!
You need to stop slacking! All that type of stuff, when really it was just
anxiety that just kind of built over me and maybe that's kind of why I just have
this weird thing... feeling of just... whenever I feel like whenever I
discuss any mental illness I might have, I feel weird about it. Probably
because of that moment; that time in history where it was not about me
having any anxiety, it was you're being lazy. So I just thought I would start off
with that. That's kind of how it started. As I went through middle school and went
through high school I had suicidal thoughts, you know, just being the only... um...
I just didn't feel right. I didn't feel like I belonged to anyone. I had lots of
cool friends or whatnot but I felt like an outcast. I felt very sad. I
felt sick all the time and I just didn't feel like I really wanted to live. There
was points in my life where I felt like I was alone. As you all know I started
YouTube around this time back in 2007 and it was a way of me taking out my
laptop; my macbook and whatnot, opening up the webcam and just go in
iMovie and just spit out everything that I had in my thoughts at the time. There
was a couple of people online who were really supportive, really lovely and it
kind of helped me out just being able to talk about my issues or whatnot and I
really appreciated that. Definitely helped out in my journey or whatnot.
And throughout those high school years... just got a text message from my mother.
Um, you know, throughout those years I've just became more of a loner.
There's times when I'm a loner, all right. Look I don't like hanging out with
people. Not I'm saying that I can't hang out with people but there's just days
where I'm just like, nope! I just want to do my thing. I just want to
exercise, you know, cook my meals; lay back; do my social media stuff and that's it.
That's that. Done. No going out to the bar, no. Not that. No nothing
and that's just kind of what it is. That's how my life is and most of the
time I'm cool with that and then sometimes I just feel very lonely and
very left out and then my thoughts just start going out of control
or what not. Again my mother's texting me, trying to talk to me about Game of
Thrones. I realized that like by the time I got out of high
school, that I was a loner and there was just some good days, there was just some
bad days. Having anxiety and these suicidal thoughts just kind
of didn't help. But luckily as I grown older probably this past year I've now
gone so much more confident. So much love for what life is that I
just don't have those suicidal thoughts anymore.
Like yeah, sometimes life sucks and yes, sometimes life sucks so much that I
think about, "Hey maybe if I just kill myself that everything would be
better," but then I think about life in general. I'm like life is so
great yo! We live in a world right now where murders is on the... in the lowest
it's ever been.Yeah people are starting to kill themselves a lot more
than getting themselves murdered but that... that's good in a way. People are
dying from overeating and not from nourishment anymore.
We're getting so much cures for diseases that wouldn't be possible. We're
extending our life expectancy so much. Science is doing great things in this
world and yeah, there's some crappy things in the world. Some crappy
political stuff going on in the world but yet life is great; life is perfect.
You're in the best spot that you can be in human history and for me, just like
realizing that like, taking years to realize, "hey I'm in a good spot." Yeah I
might not be in the spot I want to be but enjoy the frickin journey man! You're
in a good, good, good spot! Do I don't really have those suicidal thoughts
anymore because that's just... I've just kind of changed my mindset when it comes
to that. It's just, it's like a switch when I turned 23 or whatnot. Like I
gained so much confidence I was like, "yeah whoever, whatever hell people care
about me." Like whatever they think about my body or think about my parents or
whatnot, who gives that damn. Who gives a damn about what they think and that just
came with me and just loving life in general. I don't know if it's just me
getting older or there was just like I don't know definitely was some type of
life light switch or whatnot. But you know, every time a couple times a
year, I still have those crash and burns that I had this past week. Just wake up
one day it wasn't even waking up this past week, it was just after the gym I
got home. I started cooking and then I just started feeling very groggy and
very terrible and I just was like you know what I'm gonna just lay in bed and
I just laid in bed for the rest of the day. And you know I tried to do some
productive things. I tried having a friend come over, um, you know they weren't
available to do so and I just laid in bed and it's like I just don't want to
leave and that's just kind of how it happens. And then it just spiraled at
that point. I don't want to do this, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to..
you know. Oh I want to eat I don't want to go out
and exercise I don't still want to do anything and it's kind of like my brain
has to go on autopilot mode for many of those things and then that's just how it
happens. And it happens a few times a year I don't know why it just does. I
could think about maybe I just overwork myself too much but who the hell knows
who the hell knows but it's something that I go through and I feel like if I'm
open with all of you about it you know it's you can kind of understand what I'm
going through whenever that does happen so yeah that's kind of just my life when
it comes to mental illness again I had no clue if I have anything or I am going
through anything I don't have any doctors opinions on it begin it's just
one of those things where it was like a stigma that I just never really talked
about with any of my doctors so I have no clue but
I don't know what the hell else was saying the thing is that you probably
wondered why is Chris looking down so much because I wrote the notes to it
want it to be great I don't know what the hell I was saying right here I want
to be something I don't know I wanted to be something okay
this is a weird ending to the video but yeah I just wanted to discuss with all
of you just kind of my ideas and my thoughts when it comes to my mental
illness so that hopefully whenever I do go into these moments where I'm just
gone for a week you'll completely understand but hopefully when that does
happen I'll have videos or whatnot ready so it doesn't that does it doesn't it's
fine it's fine if it happens so I don't know I hope that you understand I hope
you forgive me for anytime I do go mi a for a week or so let me know
when it comes down below if you're feeling the same way about any of these
things and share this video to any people if you find this inspirational
and find that you know we need to have more discussion about this don't forget
to share it that's it I'll see you all tomorrow with a new video thank you so
much for watching this here on youtube or on facebook wherever you're watching
it and make sure you hit the subscribe button on youtube or you like my page on
facebook yeah thank you so much I'll see you all tomorrow
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