My name is Adam. I've done a lot of things in my career,
mainly all fashion related.
And currently I'm a fashion photographer.
And I've suffered from anorexia.
(UNSETTLING MUSIC)
And I'm 38 now.
I don't think I've really recovered from my eating disorder.
It's still something that affects me greatly day-to-day.
I think about the stereotype of what an anorexic person is a lot
because obviously, for me, I'm not that stereotype.
Definitely haven't been cured of an eating disorder.
It's just morphed itself into something else...
and depression.
When it comes to, I guess, sort of, choosing food or meals,
it's not something I really wanna be a part of.
I don't like the idea of cooking or of nice food.
I don't really think of it as food. I just think of it as a task that I need to do,
and this is just an object.
As soon as I start to think about it too much, those thought patterns will generally,
sort of, spiral from there.
Now being a dad, I want to be well. I don't want to feel depressed.
I don't want the people around me to be affected any more.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Having been through what I've been through, it's such a lonely and awful place to be,
that if even helping just one person not feel like that, then that's what I wanna do.
Being a dad, it's changed; it hasn't necessarily got better.
It's put me in more of a internal conflict.
Do you wanna get me a bowl for you? All right, Daddy. Good boy.
Because before, if I was depressed or really struggling,
it would make me feel as though I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to live.
OK, we wanna take these?
Do you want me to carry them or are you all right carrying them?
Having a young boy, it just changes that completely.
It's just made me realise that I just have to get better.
Adam is incredibly hard on himself.
He is so gifted.
I often think that it's probably because he achieved so much so quickly at such a young age
that has kinda set him up to think that anything he ever does is going—
he's gonna be the best in the world at it within five minutes,
and if he's not, then he's failed.
So, we're heading out to Manurewa, in South Auckland, which is where I grew up.
I grew up out there with just my mum and my younger brother.
It was a real struggle for my mum to make ends meet for us and, you know,
I couldn't be any more thankful to her for a massive amount of work and sacrifice that she made
for us to be given the opportunities that we were given.
This one here.
We moved out here after my parents divorced, and my grandparents lived in Manurewa.
This meant that we were close by.
Lots of times with no power or no food and cold and house is very damp.
From when I was about maybe 9,
I always had this butterflies in my stomach and this really anxious feeling.
As time went on, as it would get later and later and,
you know, expect my mum home at 5, and it would be get to 5.30, 6,
which, you know, was probably just the traffic or whatever,
I would just get more and more anxious and more and more worried,
and go inside and try to call her and come back out and wait.
Just needed to double-check that everyone wasn't escaping.
My mum told me if I couldn't sleep to try and think of really great things,
and so every night, I would lie there and think about being a famous footballer
and having a fancy car and living in a mansion and, um,
having— You know, even as a young kid, I remember thinking, you know,
I— you know, having a wife and kids, you know.
That just became all I wanted.
I guess from a really young age, I decided that I wanted to be a professional footballer.
And very quickly, it become to look like it was gonna happen.
Football was such a massive part of my life growing up,
and it was a way of escaping a lot of realities of what was going on in my life.
(CROWD CHEERS FAINTLY)
It was the first time I realised that I have a personality that's quite obsessive
and quite perfectionist and quite incredibly driven.
And I also could see results quite clearly, so it would drive you even further.
By the time I was 15, I was living in Middlesbrough playing for a Premier League football club.
First time I ever really experienced coaches and adults treating me a bit more like an adult.
Special coaches and people who played for the All Whites
and offering to, kind of, sit down with me and give me extra training sessions.
The one thing that people keep, kinda, harping on to me
was, like, you just had to be really, really fit and strong.
I really started to just hone in on that
and used to go for runs as much as I could and exercise outside the house when it was dark.
I would just become quite obsessive about that,
and I started to be a little bit more wary about what I ate.
You know, very quickly it all came to an end.
I had started to get sore hips and back quite often.
No one could really figure out what was going on, but progressively, it just got worse and worse.
Then I couldn't go back to Middlesbrough cos I just couldn't play.
I just knew I couldn't do it.
The end of my football career was something that I couldn't control.
But the one thing I learnt during that time was that there were things you could control in your life,
and I guess, very obviously, I was able to control what I ate and how much I exercised.
But the only other thing that I really hadn't... this identity around
was this, like, love of fashion and creativity and art.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
Great.
That's great.
(BASSY MUSIC)
Just bend your elbow a little more so you're more like—
Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it.
I think that there are links potentially between the fashion industry and media
with regards to unhealthy diets or fad diets or anything like that.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that looks good. Yeah, pretty good.
But I personally don't really see any connection between
the fashion industry and eating disorders as such as a mental health issue.
Yeah, it's good. I look so pretty.
Pretty when the light comes through, eh, as well. Yeah, I was just thinking that, eh.
I think when it comes through— If we see it come through,
I'll get in closer and do a little... Yeah, OK.
From my experience, eating disorders come from a much deeper place
than wanting to lose weight or wanting to look a certain way.
Bring the exposure down a little.
I think that an eating disorder comes from a place of mental unwellness,
and in a lot of cases, it's based around
a want for more control
or a lack of control.
I moved to London when I need a part-time job.
There was this amazing store called Browns that everyone knew about New Zealand.
It was, like, this is amazing that place,
and they sell all the cool stuff.
I just walked in and asked to speak to the manager,
and, you know, he just looked me up and down and thought I looked cool and said, 'You can have a job.'
Whilst this was happening, that ability to restrict food,
you would get a lot of positive reinforcement from the way you lost or how thin you were.
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
And then anorexia just took over everything, really.
At my worst, I was probably about 20.
I weighed around 50... 56kg.
I'm 6'3".
I guess, your brain just doesn't really function in the way that it should,
and physically you have no energy...
to be able to— for your brain to function, but even for your legs to work.
I physically... I couldn't walk.
I, you know, couldn't do my job.
And I'd always make sure my lunchtimes were not with my friends or the people that I worked with
so that they didn't know that I wasn't eating, but I'd just go out there
and I'd be really looking forward to the glass of water.
And I'd just sit there by myself, and I would convince myself that that was just like a really,...
like, really good reward for getting through to midday.
I couldn't work, so I couldn't afford the flat that we were in, so I moved into a little hostel.
I'd go to the supermarket and get, like, one bread roll.
And then I'd come home. I'd chop the bread roll up into three.
And I'd have the first third for breakfast.
I was so depressed and so down.
I needed to just go home.
My mum and I don't really talk a lot about this kinda stuff.
I'd love to kinda be able to ask her a little bit about what her perceptions were
when I was going through the bad times.
Enter. Hi. Hey.
Hi. Come on through.
It's hugely important for me to make my mum know that she's in no way responsible
with anything that's happened, whether it be eating disorders or depression.
Food's just on the table. Look at the food.
Awesome. Amazing. (CHUCKLES)
Thank you, Bronwyne.
How she raised me and my brother and what she went through to do, so I'm such a massive fan of what she did,
and I owe her so much for that.
When he went over, he was really happy.
Things seemed to be going really well when he was there.
Then all of a sudden it was like, 'I'm coming home next week.'
It's like— That's when— When he arrived home,
it wasn't the same person who went over.
What were your thoughts and your thinking around like when you first noticed that I wasn't very well?
When you were playing lots of soccer and almost semi-professional,
as things like the obsession and what you were to eat,
because you would only have grilled chicken or grilled fish with rice, and that was every day.
And that was really unusual for us to do that.
At what age?
Probably late 20s— Late teens. Teens.
After I'd been playing in England, and when I came back. Yeah, yeah.
And when I was trying to, like— When my back wasn't good and I was trying to play again,
and I was playing for like— like in the national league clubs here, and I was trying to—
I guess it was around that time.
It all just crept up, like it wasn't obvious about what was going on,
and because it was linked a lot to events and other things,
you know, it was very easy for me to think, 'Well, it was related to that,' rather than something else.
I'm very quiet. I'm quite reserved, so someone else being quiet and reserved
didn't, sort of, trigger to me... Yeah. ...that there was something wrong.
I'm also an optimist, so I, you know, for a long time did the,
'It will get better. It will get better. It will get better.' Of course.
And of course, it doesn't. Hmm.
But also, even now, it's still— I don't know what you can— what I can do to fix it.
And that's probably the big thing that worries me the most.
The unfortunate thing for Ange and my mum is that— Because they don't talk about this stuff daily,
they both probably don't see things coming and they're getting worse,
and then all of a sudden I go to— They're the only two I ever go to when it's really bad.
It's really unfortunate that the people— The only two people that I really trust
are the people that I end up, like, hurting the most by this stuff.
So, yeah, I have a partner who's very unwell mentally.
He, you know, has challenges that may be with us all our lives.
But there's much more good.
Mealtimes at our house means that I cook, cos Adam doesn't cook.
If it were up to me, I'd have, like, fish and salad or— you know, I'm really not a food person,
but because of the boys, I end up cooking great big pastas and rice dishes and lasagnes
and that kind of thing, roast chicken and... over and over again.
So, please, please just don't watch closely.
The thing I struggle with most is that he doesn't eat particularly healthily.
I think it affects his mood and all sorts of things,
but I feel like I could never say, 'Hey, maybe don't eat that,' or 'Maybe... Maybe try something else,'
because I know that in his mind, he will turn that into a weight thing.
What are we having for dinner tonight, babe?
Now we're just having veggies and some chicken with some turmeric
and some other random things that I threw in there and some rice. Or perhaps some satay sauce as well.
But, hey, it's called a Wednesday surprise. (CHUCKLES)
My eating patterns have changed during that time that I've been with Ange.
A couple of years into our relationship, I started to develop this way of coping
where I found it easy just to not think about any decisions around food.
Basically, it's like whenever it comes to thinking, 'Oh, I have to eat something,'
like, I'm hungry, I have to eat something, I just go, 'Well, I just wanna eat the thing that—'
That you like. That you enjoy. That I like.
Because as soon as I— As soon as I think to myself,
'Well, I should eat something more healthy,' then as soon as that even enters my head,
the whole thing completely spirals. So I just choose not to have that inner dialogue.
My only way of dealing with it right now is to avoid it, basic.
Avoid that internal conversation. Yeah. Cos I don't think...
I've never... I don't think I've ever really dealt with the issue, whatever that may be.
I think, um...
Angry.
I moved back because I thought that I'd got somewhere really big, I could go home now and relax.
Then I picked up a camera and had to start all over again.
It was like, 'Oh, shit, now I have to, like— Now I have to get somewhere big with this.'
So I was like, 'Oh, shit, we have to do this whole thing all over again.'
Um, OK, go like this.
Frustrated.
Just really try and imagine that you are really like— I dunno, with uni or something, work.
You're really frustrated.
Yeah, that's great. Really not sure what to do.
Yep. Great, great.
Having anorexia was really bad, but then also over the last 10, 15 years,
I've had depression, like, really, really badly,
and that becomes, like, a massive part of who you are.
Yeah, that's good. That's good.
Changes what you do in life. Changes how you act. Changes your career. Changes everything.
Sad.
I'm still pretty, like, obsessive when it comes to work,
but I'm not like obsessed with becoming the biggest, best thing you've ever seen.
I'm really interested to speak to Dr Cynthia.
One of my main concerns is the welfare of my son, Axel,
and whether he has any predisposition to eating disorders or any other mental illness.
(SKYPE DIAL TONE)
Hi, Cynthia. I'm Adam. Hi, Adam. Nice to meet you.
You too. You too. Thanks for taking the time. My pleasure.
I'm really interested in the studies that you've been doing.
Obviously, you know, having suffered from anorexia, and I have a lot of problems with depression...
Mm-hm. ...and anxiety. Yep.
Um, and obviously hearing about your study. That's really interesting to me.
Cos I think it's one thing for yourself to go through something,
but the fear of your, um, child going through that,
and it is just...
I— You know, it's so awful, so the idea of someone so close to me
having to endure any part of that is just... I can't think of anything worse, you know.
And my partner and I are already starting to feel a little bit, almost, over—
overcautious whenever we see signs of anything, which could
and probably are just normal 3-year-old behaviour.
Let's go down that path a little bit right now, because it is such an important one,
and that question is one that I hear all the time, so basically we've known for a long time
that anorexia runs in families.
That doesn't mean it always runs in families, so you do have sporadic cases
that just pop up in a family— They just pop up? Yeah, and you don't know.
But we also don't necessarily know if all of our relatives didn't have anorexia.
Parents who have been through this are really vigilant.
You know, they're looking for all the signs. Things that might be normal, you know,
their— Your antenna are just a little bit more tuned in to what these things are,
and we actually don't have guidebooks for this. Of course.
You know, the parenting books don't tell you,... (CHUCKLES) No.
...you know, what's normal and how to tell a fad from something that's gonna be lifelong,
so— and, you know, what I tell people all the time is the most important thing
is to have a really good relationship with your GP. Oh yep.
Make sure that person knows the story and knows the history.
If you start seeing your child, you know, falling off the growth curve.
You know, you wanna make sure that your child is continuing to track. In a steady kinda fashion, yeah.
Yeah, steady fashion, and if it starts deviating down or something like that,
have a talk with your GP, get it evaluated, and people are hesitant sometimes
to bring a child in for a good psychological evaluation, but at the same time, don't wait.
Getting a professional to cast his or her eye on the child and say, 'Hey, I think you're OK here,'
but then at least there's a base line. We published one study,
where we actually have identified the first gene that plays a role in anorexia.
Now, this is one in what will probably be hundreds... Sure.
...and maybe even the thousands. Right.
I think that's really important to understand. Yep.
Anorexia is a complex tree. Yep.
It's not just genetic, so anorexia, for example, is about 50 to 60% heritable,
which means that 50 to 60% of the liability is due to genetic factors.
The rest is due to environmental factors.
Interestingly, depression is the same. Oh, that is interesting.
But now we're really drilling down so that we can identify the actual genes that might be shared
between the two illnesses. Yeah.
And every time we identify another gene, we get closer to understanding the biology of the illness.
We have— Not a single medication in the world works for anorexia nervosa.
And part of that is because it's been really under-researched.
Eating disorders has been stigmatised and, you know, pushed to the side,
and, really, honest to God, it's been misunderstood.
Now, what you're saying is that the anorexia has sorta been pushed down? Yeah, yeah.
But the depression and the anxiety have surfaced at this point? Yep.
What's really interesting about it — often the anxiety comes before the anorexia.
Most people, you know, people who aren't prone to anorexia nervosa,
when they starve or when they skip meals or restrict their food intake,
they tend to get more anxious and irritable, and they feel uncomfortable
and scratchy and headachy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But what we hear from people who are predisposed to anorexia nervosa
is sometimes restricting their food intake actually calms them a little bit.
Right, right, right.
So— It's—
Yeah, so it's sort of a way that people stumble upon. You know, if they skip a meal
or if they go on a diet or just reduce their food intake, and the sensation is sorta like,
'Wow, this is really weird. This kinda makes me feel better if I don't eat as much.'
Does that ring any bells with you, Adam?
To cut a long story short, yes, but I think that for me— for me, I'm not even sure if I was aware
that that's what was happening until now you've said it.
Yeah, I kinda just thought that I was— I had anxiety or I was an anxious person,...
Mm-hm. ...and then that kinda went away,
and then was replaced by anorexia. Right. Yep.
But in hindsight, what you're saying is that it's just become a, sort of, um,
a way of dealing with the anxiety or making anxiety go away to some extent.
Right. Or masking it. Right, or managing it.
You know, in some ways, whatever it was that made you discover that restricting made you feel better,
that's the hook. You know, for me being 38 years old and...
I just— You know, if anything that you've suffered from for a long period of time,
and over 20 years or longer, however you can look at it,
is something that you eventually reach a point where you just don't wanna have to deal with it any more.
And you're willing to just do whatever it takes to try and make it better.
I wish that there were better things in place. I wish that there were better ways to manage these things,
but I also understand that they're not simple things to deal with, and, um...
Oh, well, yes and no. I mean— They are tricky.
I think the trick is, you know, and I'm gonna help you with this, you know.
We just need to get you a— It's— You're kinda crazy. You're talking to North Carolina
to get yourself a referral in New Zealand, right? (CHUCKLES)
But at the same time, you know, I'm a huge believer in, you know, medication and therapy.
And, you know, you get some— There's some really wonderful treatments for depression now.
Right. You know, and doing both at the same time,
I think that's the kinda extra boost that you need in order to, sort of, kick it up— kick it up a notch
and get yourself well, because you were talking about, you know,
having a son now and everything, and you know, you've got a family,
and— you know, and you're worried about his future as well.
The studies around the genetic predisposition is, um...
It was really interesting, cos obviously, it gives me a better idea of how to go about
working with Axel on any potential issues.
And then the other thing I think that was really interesting was just the...
Just the huge percentage that shows that...
eating disorders and depression are so clearly linked.
And whereas, um...
It just makes you feel like you're not the only one,
because there's obviously...
you know, so many other people that...
It's been proven now that they're going through exactly the same thing in exactly the same way.
One of the hardest things to deal with is the idea that you are very much in these things alone.
The people who care about you a lot, they're working so hard, so intelligent,
with resources behind them, trying to find solutions and trying to find, um...
just ways to communicate to the world how these things could be solved.
It's the best feeling you can haven, really.
In the good times, I think I would do anything for us to be this happy
and for things to be this great all the time, you know,
and I'm kind of reminded in those moments— I'm reminded of what it can and could be,
and I think— Oh, I'm prepared to fight till the death for this, you know, for him and I and Axel
and the boys and everyone to live happily ever after.
In the bad times, I still love him.
Totally. Absolutely.
(BOTH SHOUT)
Today I'm feeling really positive about the future and feeling like
there's pathway to take to get better.
I wanna get better for, you know, not just myself, but for everyone around me.
Ready? Yeah. Watch out.
I don't want for anything more than to get better one way or another, yeah.
Attitude was made with funding from New Zealand on Air.
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