- What are you doing?
- You know you said that you're not interested
in pursuing this any further.
But, I was just wondering if you could tell me why.
You were just funny
after we left the restaurant.
I paid for dinner.
- Thank you.
- And then- oh no I'm not (sighs)
then you just said, "this isn't gonna work".
And I just hope you have the courage
to tell me why.
- You're 20 years older than me.
- Alright.
- You left your wife because you said she got fat.
I mean, I like Oreos
a lot.
- My ex-wife was really unhealthy.
If I had said she were a heroin addict,
you guys would have been like, "oh yeah,
that makes a lot of sense".
- Let's just be friends.
We don't have to...
Because we slept together.
I think I was just trying it on.
I don't know if I was just trying to catch up to Lucy.
There's always just so much emphasis
on being with someone.
Like, have you found love?
You know, if you get a job, immediately
the next thing people say is, "yes but, do you have love?"
That's, no!
Get out of my pants, world!
I'm just, I'm myself and my interests.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, that's fine.
- You don't have to, like....
If it hurts you to be around me,
we can just
- Never see each other again? - No.
It doesn't hurt.
- No, of course it doesn't. - You're projecting a lot.
- Well, I like you.
And I think I've been pretty straight forward about that.
You seem like you have space now for someone
to like you and,
you don't have to fill it with only yourself.
When I was younger I used to think that it was
really important to not let anyone know
that I needed them.
- The hippie movement hadn't started yet.
Do you wanna go swimming?
- Were you smart in school?
- No, not at all.
- Ladies and gentleman, the teacher of our future...
- Oh wait, I just wasn't interested
until after college.
You know, until I could study what I wanted to study.
Just because you don't get good grades
doesn't mean you're not smart.
- No, actually - Oh, come one!
- Okay, law school, I'm smart.
- Well that wasn't the question.
- Where you?
- Ah, was I good in school?
Yes, I got into it, I graduated from a very good law school.
- Is it painful?
- Like working out is painful.
- Do you mean with us?
- Oooh. - (laughing)
- Okay, but can you do this?
- (laughing) okay, you asked for it.
Did I get it?
- It's exactly the way to do it
- I think I got it.
- It's just your bum (laughing)
- If you could make fun of my masturbating,
would you really do that?
- Of course, no.
- Well what was it then?
- I like what I do.
I like teaching.
Kids grow up to be such boring adults.
Or they're not really boring, they're just
socially exhausting in a way that make them
not fun to be around anymore.
I like to catch people in the time of their lives
right before that happens.
And children are honest.
Even if they're brats, they're honest brats.
Adults are always like,
(fakey voice) "how are you?
The weather's crazy, isn't it?
What about the weather, right?"
(laughs) Kids are like, "rainbows are cool to eat,
aren't they?"
And like, if I ate a rainbow,
it would be the coolest thing I've ever eaten probably.
- Okay, so you'd be a teacher.
- Yeah.
But maybe I'd have my own school one day.
- That's cool. - Right?
- That's a good dream.
That one's coming true.
- It's a cool school.
- (laughs) it's a cool school. - I had an abortion
- two years ago.
I slept with this idiot dude, he's a soccer player.
- Can't compete with that.
- No, you can't.
But it was me.
So, I'm sitting on the table waiting for the doctor.
And he comes in,
and I'm super nervous.
Lucy's is in the waiting room, waiting like a doll.
And I suddenly had this urge to
fart (laughs).
So I go, "get out of the way!
Get out, get out!"
And the doctor is underneath the thin clinic sheet
in my crotch - oh...
And he's like, "mmm, it's okay, relax."
And I'm like, "no! I am about to ruin your life!"
- Oh my God, did you let it go?
- Yeah! (laughing)
I ruined his whole life!
And then he killed my kid for me.
It's just not fair, you know?
He gave me a gift, and I ruined him.
I was just- I'm kidding.
It's not my kid, its just the thought of one.
- Do you feel bad about it? - No.
Tell me more about your grandmother.
- Oh, she's one of my best friends.
When she got really old I felt like
I could tell her anything.
Like she was a dandelion weed that I could wish on
before she floats up and leaves me.
If I got really wasted, like I mixed alcohols,
so I was vomiting, and we were by the toilet
and you were holding my hair, or you're just
sitting by the toilet and I'm holding my own hair,
- Okay, yeah.
- Would you take the vomiting for me.
If it meant that you have to vomit
for the rest of the month?
Like, its magic, like I could bewitchingly
give you my vomit but it meant you had to vomit
every night for like 30 nights,
would you take it?
- Ah.....
- I really hate puking. - Me too.
- I would do it.
- Really? Why?
- For the magic.
- Are you done with marriage?
- Nope.
I did it wrong the first time.
But I wanna do it again.
When you get to my age you realize how
doing what you really wanna do matters.
I didn't want to be married to her.
But I want a witness in this life.
Someone to always come home to.
Tell my day about.
See my day with me.
I'm getting kind of tired.
- Oh, are you?
- No, it's okay. It's good
(both laugh)
- Do you want me to teach you some water exercises?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
(acoustic guitar)
(chatting and laughing)
- Oh, what are you doing up so early?
- I know, its 8 on a Saturday.
- (sleepy voice) I don't wanna hate.
- I know. It's okay.
I haven't slept, so I can't.
- I wanna just sit here in bed
and order breakfast.
- Okay.
- Maybe a breakfast sandwich?
- Okay, I will.
Sit up though, okay.
Cause I have to tell you something.
- What?
- Open your eyes and sit up.
- (groans)
- Okay
I'm getting married.
- What are you talking about?
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