♪♪
[ Horns blowing ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
Oh, my God.
♪♪
Unhhhh.
Hi, I'm Trixie Mattel.
And I'm Katya.
And welcome to our show.
Each week we dive so deep into a topic we find diamonds.
Blood diamonds?
Conflict free I hope. -[ Laughs ]
This week we're talking break ups.
We'll discuss celebrities who consciously uncouple,
ask regular people about adultery,
and Katya will get a whiff of desperation.
Break ups.
The reason for every pint of ice cream gone missing
and a heartbreaking song.
And every bottle of benzos in my...
...you know, pills.
Pills.
-You. -Hmm?
No one loves you, so you never get broken up with.
Ta-da!
I like -- Break -- Break ups are a challenging thing.
Yeah, breaking up is hard to do.
I had a boyfriend, and we were together,
and we decided together amicably,
it'd be best for both of us if he left me out of nowhere
for no reason at a very fragile time in my life.
[ Laughs, snorts ]
Because, you know, I think a lot of times
the relationship might not change
as much as the surrounding circumstances change.
-Yeah, of course. -Like if your foot grows,
you can't wear the same shoes anymore. Yeah.
If your most recent relationship was a pair of shoes,
what brand would they be?
A cork wedge.
[ Laughing ] Oh.
It is kinda better to be broken up with. Yes.
Because when you're broken up with, you're like,
"I'm the victim. "I did everything I could."
Absolutely. But when you're the one who has to be like,
"Hey, even though you picked me
up at the airport every day for six months,
and buy me roses at least once a week,
and you remember my birthday,
I wouldn't like to include you in my life anymore." Yeah.
Whereas if you get broken up with, you get to milk it
for sympathy with your friends,
go to nice brunches.
Yeah. Oh, you get all the sympathy.
As I've grown older,
I've become quite fond of the discomfort and awkwardness
that comes along with
really direct honest open communication.
I don't like you anymore. I wish you all the best.
Please, have a nice day, but don't ever call me anymore.
You know that's like -- That's a little --
-That is what sociopaths do. -Yeah, no. I know, I know.
Don't ever do it during a text.
You can't -- That's like a cliché at this point.
You can't break up with anybody over a text.
You can't -- You can't... There's like --
I feel like there's a loophole where you can do it
with a -- like a really beautifully written letter.
But if you write a letter, you have to follow up.
You have to be available for follow up.
Yeah. Whether that's like with a torch and a pitchfork.
You know, they're -- they could be very angry.
Please, give me another chance.
I'm a really great catch.
I got 1,460 on my SATs.
Verbal was a little bit better than math,
but I've long since improved.
Deborah, I love you!
Now when I'm dating, I just have a drawer
full of burner phones like "Breaking Bad."
And when it's over I'm like, "He was sweet." [ Laughs ]
When can you stop bitching about a break up?
When can you stop crying?
When do you have to stop crying and move on? Oh, God. I don't --
Say for every year you're together I say one week.
-I'm so sorry. -What?
So you're saying a four-year relationship
you should be over it in a month? Month. Absolutely.
Well, you don't need to be over it, but you need to
shut the fuck up about it in a month.
Do you know what I mean? Like...
I feel when you break up, you still... That's four brunches.
...you still love the person the same,
but just in a different way.
Yeah, then you get a therapist.
Do you know what I mean? Have you had your heart broken?
Uh... No, you haven't, have you?
'Cause you never been in love. -No, I have been in love.
I have been in love... -Shamrock Shake?
...which I call "I really, really, really,
really, really, really, really liked somebody."
-Okay. -Do you know what I mean?
-No. -Does that make sense?
I think it's different.
Okay. I think love is an illusion.
It's a Ponzi scheme perpetuated
by the mythology of romance and Hollywood.
I only want a boyfriend on Tuesdays and Fridays.
And I don't do sleepovers.
I don't do it. Wait a minute.
I don't fucking d-- I don't fuck with sleepovers. How did you date someone
if you never slept over at their house?
-You tell me. -Okay, you weren't in love
if you didn't want to sleep with the person.
-That is a crock of shit. -[ Laughs ] Not true.
That is a crock of shit so hot and fiery.
Here's why. There's two activities.
Fucking -- Well, okay, three.
So fucking, cuddling, and sleeping.
One of those activities is essential
to your survival.
-Sleeping. -Right.
So get off of me.
But not even like in the same bed?
Yeah, in the same bed, but get off of me.
Get off of me.
[ Slurps ]
Obviously, you're not gonna go like totally hog wild
and crazy and insensitive
if you've got real estate, property, children, dogs.
I had a boyfriend, when we broke up,
and he was like, "I want the car."
And I was like, "As long as I get the PlayStation."
[ Tires squealing ]
That's not true. Please--
That's not true? -Yeah, it is.
And then I had a bird, and I kept the bird.
What was the bird's name? [ Laughing ] I'm not gonna tell you.
Tell me the bird's name. Tell me the bird's name.
The bird's name was -- The bird [laughs]
The bird's name was Birdie.
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys know that I'm a creative person?
I've also had a cat named Kitten.
[ Sighing ] Oh, fuck.
My last boyfriend, his name was Boyfriend.
[ Laughs, snorts ] It's just easier.
We all know most relationships end in heartbreak,
but what about the relationships that never even began?
This is "Missed Erections."
"Missed Erections."
You were a handsome young business man on the J train
trying to get home from work.
You made the train.
Your prosthetic leg did not.
"Missed Erections."
It was Thursday at the mall.
You were working at the Shake Shack.
I came up and asked you if you had change for a dollar
and you told me to leave, but I stayed.
Can I have a job?
[ Gasps ] "Missed Erections."
You were Jesse McCartney
at some upscale white ass smoothie bar.
"Missed Erections."
You were the hot sweaty pig in the barn.
I was the creative young spider that saved you.
"Missed Erections."
You're Mario Lopez.
I'm not your wife, and I'm not good with kids.
We could work it out.
"Missed Erections."
You broke into my house and left a bottle of pills.
Thank you so much.
"Missed Erections."
Coming up... What's that smell?
Plus, find out which one of these three things
is making us go, "Unhhhh."
And we're back.
This week, you guys, we're talking about break ups.
Now, you've heard our horror stories.
It's time to hear from you.
This is a segment we like to call...
Both: "Asking for a Friend."
"I found out recently my boyfriend has slept
with over 100 people."
You have a boyfriend? Is -- [ Laughs ]
Wait, what's -- I'm riveted.
"Is it wrong that I'm thinking about dumping him now?"
-Yeah. You're a -- -Yes, it is.
You're a slut-shaming sex-phobic idiot.
-Yeah, you're stupid. -Yeah. Get a grip.
By the way, have you ever slept with someone
who hasn't been with someone?
I have. -Yeah.
-It sucks. -Sexually, it's like
a pilot saying,
"I've landed and flown hundreds of planes."
Great. 'Cause I'm on this plane. -Yeah, exactly.
How many times do you want to be like, "Well, guys,
it's your pilot Jake here, and it's my first flight.
Just graduated flight school."
[ Laughs ]
How many people have you slept with?
-Intercourse? Intercourse? -I say orgasm.
-Oh, orgasm? -Yeah.
Oh, less than 100,
more than...40. -Okay.
And you're 27?
-27. -Okay.
I started when I was 30, and it's probably like 350.
You started when you were 30?
Yeah, before 30, it was probably under 20.
What kind of Indian in the cupboard...?
[ Chuckles ]
That was a good one. I like that. [ Laughs ]
"My current crush isn't getting back to me on a text.
Should I text them again, or are they just not that into me?"
You know for me, texting is so like minimal effort.
Whenever I need to send a message,
I get one of those planes.
-Yeah, tow a sign. -Yeah.
Just says, "'Sup" or "You up?" Yeah.
I mean, get a life. Get a life. He's probably not that into you, honestly.
Get a life. Respect yourself.
Do something. Even if he does like you, do you want to be with someone
who is constantly not return your texts?
That is fundamental.
And do you want to be a person that just stays up all night
wondering when is somebody gonna text me back?
Get a hobby.
"I just got dumped
from a 10-year relationship.
What am I supposed to do now?"
Something else, obviously.
When I have become single, even though I'm sad,
it can also be a celebration
of all the things that you miss when you're single.
No shit. I started playing video games again.
Yeah. I started playing my guitar more.
I started going to my favorite restaurants.
Ordering in more. -Yeah.
Going more to the gym more.
Because now, you are the only thing on your schedule.
Have a hot, delicious meal under a bridge.
[ Laughs ]
"When do you say the L-word?"
-"L" meaning "love," not "lesbian."
I -- Yeah, "L" meaning "love."
Four months into dating I was like I am sure.
I'm certain. It's the one.
So, I took him to Dollywood.
I bought a new shirt.
$40 shirt. [ Laughs ]
It was a large at the time. I was bigger.
But it was a dark color so it kinda, you know,
contoured, it skimmed the profile.
Skimmed the profile.
I took him on this giant roller coaster.
I thought, "At the top of the roller coaster,
I'm gonna tell him that I love him."
-Oh, my God. -I'm garbage.
-You are disgusting. -I'm garbage.
So we got to the roller coaster,
and right before we went over the hill, I said --
I grabbed his hand, and I said, "I love you!"
And what did he go? What did he do?
Well, it was a roller coaster, so he just went, "Ahhhhhh!" [ Laughs ]
And then I told him I loved him, you know.
And then he said something along the lines of like,
"It was really nice of you to say that."
Or "Thank you." [ Laughs ] Have you had that?
"I love you." "Thanks."
You should never be afraid of saying it, because --
In that moment it is true.
Guess what -- weather changes.
-You know what you will regret? -Yeah.
Not saying it when you felt it.
"My girlfriend wants kids, but I don't.
Do we have to break up?" Yes.
"I want to break up with my partner,
but I really like having sex with him.
Is it possible to maintain a purely physical relationship?" Yes!
This is "T" though -- "I want to break up with my partner."
You should only be being physical with that other person
if you're on the same page.
'Cause if you want to get your pussy touched, and he's like,
"It'll still work out," you're a monster, Linda.
Yeah. You can't lead him on just to get your pussy --
Yeah. Absolutely.
In a relationship, you are equally responsible
for the feelings of others.
That's very nice.
-And true. -Sure. Well...
You're a monster only if you know damn well
that they're still trying to make it happen... Yeah.
...and you're like, "Well, what about this?" Yeah.
Manipulate people with your mind, not your pussy.
That could -- We could've just made this episode a minute long
of just you saying that in an elongated way. Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you guys for your questions.
Please feel free to send us more.
Oh, I hope we didn't accidentally help someone. Mm.
Now, remember, you're always "Asking for a Friend."
For a friend.
And now for some news stories that nobody's talking about.
It's time for "Oh, Honey!"
Both: Oh, honey!
A California engineer has built the world's
largest super soaker.
[ Scoffs ] Super soaker?
Honey, "largest super soaker"
sounds like me when I got furlough from prison
and saw "Magic Mike 2," honey.
Honey!
A horse was rescued after falling in a hole
on the way home from Taco Bell.
Honey, usually I go to Taco Bell,
and my hole falls out, honey.
Honey!
A teenager woke up with his head in a bear's mouth.
Honey, bear mouth?
Sounds like me coming from the public restroom at Pride, honey.
I need to reapply 'cause I have a bare mouth, honey.
Coming up... Is this the ACLU,
jade eggs, or tickle parties?
Find out what's making us go, "Unhhhh" this week.
Welcome back. Now it's time to talk to real people --
an activity that we find loathsome.
So we've enlisted the help of two strapping young
idiots, Brian and Brian.
Guys?
The number one reason most relationships
come to bitter end -- adultery.
But what do people really know about the art of cheating?
We're gonna find out with this dirty adultery-themed quiz.
Let's go! -Let's go.
Adultery is cheating, essentially.
What is indultery?
Can you use that in a sentence?
"At the family reunion,
I was accused of committing indultery."
You slept with somebody in your family. Yes, that's the one.
I know a lot of people that do that down there in Mississippi.
They do that all the time. -Carpology.
-Makeup sex? -With a carp.
Yes. [ Laughter ]
You know you have to carpologize sometimes.
Buying someone a car
and you think they're gonna forget about it.
-Yay! -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So when you cheat on somebody
but in repentance, you buy them a car.
-Yeah. -Yeah. Sexsomnia.
Where you just have sex and not sleep?
You have like way too much energy,
and you keep having sex, but you can't get there.
Having so much sex, you can't sleep.
It's actually when you cheat,
and you blame it on, "Oh, I was asleep.
I didn't know I did it." Like sleep fucking. "Oh, I didn't know he was inside me." Okay.
-Yeah. -Okay. Cool.
-Cuckolding. -Cuckolding.
When you hold your cock?
When you hold a cock? [ Laughter ]
Something with holding a dick?
Cock holding?
[ Laughter ]
It's a Shakespeare term.
When the husband likes to watch
his wife get nailed by another guy.
-Oh, right. Well, there you go. -Yeah.
Now, what is the condition known as the onegina?
How 'bout this? Onegina a night. Onegina?
Like a one night stand? -One night stand.
My guess would be like you have sex
with one person and then that's it.
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
I was gonna say one person.
Brilliant. AKA marriage.
It's when straight guys, they get married
and they're stuck with one vagina for life.
Oh, well, classic. That's...
That's just called a bad decision.
[ Laughter ]
-Doppelbanger. -Oh, that sounds fun.
[ Laughs ] Is it double penetration?
Like double and banging?
-Mm... -I don't know.
A doppelbanger.
A female and a male banging it out as the female hollering,
"Doppler, doppler, doppler, doppler."
[ Laughter ] Doppelbanger.
That is a really good answer.
So, is that, like, someone,
like, you're having sex with that looks like you?
Yes! Boom! That's exactly what it is.
Wow. People do not know what cuckolding is.
Yeah. They all just think it's holding a cock in your hand.
Back to you, ladies. I kinda like that.
Thanks, Brians. Oh, wow.
Men that white should stay out of the sun.
Yeah.
Now, when poor schmucks like us break up, it's no big deal,
but when real-life Hollywood stars consciously uncouple,
it's splashed all over the tabloids.
Well, since Katya's like the Rain Man -- Woman.
Rain Woman of People Magazine, we're gonna put her to the test
in a little game called "Did They Ever?"
All right, Katya. This is what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna give you two celebrity names, and you're gonna tell us
whether or not those two celebrities were ever involved.
All right. Let's do it.
Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morissette.
Uh, I believe they were friends.
-They were lovers. -Really?
Yes. And I always thought as much as I love her music,
he is too fine. -Yeah.
Kim Kardashian and Nick Cannon.
No. Mimi, Mama, no.
-Yes, bitch. -No. No.
Right before the sex tape came out. No!
Oh, right before she was deep dicked by Ray J's dong.
They dated it briefly.
In fact, the sex tape was the reason they broke up.
That was a whole big ploy
orchestrated by the devil herself, Ms. Kris Jenner.
That -- We didn't cover that.
That is how you break up with someone.
-An orchestrated sex tape? -Yes.
-Yeah, strategy. -Mm-hmm.
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Gosling.
-I'm gonna say no. -Wrong.
Oh. Sandra Bullock and Ryan Gosling did date.
Fun fact, she was 16 years older than him.
Much like you and I. Here's the thing.
I'm 27. I'm annoyed by a 25-year-old.
-Yeah. -So how are you not annoyed
by somebody that much younger than you?
-Yeah. Yeah. -And how do you not find
someone that much older than you boring?
What's the oldest person you've ever had sex with?
There was a guy I dated
who's 2 1/2 years older than me,
and there was even a generational difference there.
He didn't like Pokémon. -Ugh.
Madonna and Tupac.
Uh, sexually, romantically linked.
Get this.
Yes. It's true.
And he allegedly broke up with her by writing
a letter from jail...
-That's -- -...using his own blood.
I don't know. -No.
Having a boyfriend in prison is the adult version of saying,
"I have a boyfriend. He goes to another school."
Oh, yeah. That...
[ Laughter ] That is so true.
Finally, you and I.
-No. -But you did try.
I sure did.
That was "Did They Ever?"
And now it's time once again to share another compassionate,
kind, caring word from an adoring fan.
It's "Male Bag."
"Dear Trixie and Katya." Ooh, this ones for both of us.
-Mm! -"I love the show!
You guys are smart and funny."
-That is true. That's true. -Aww!
"And that will always be more important than being...pretty."
Oh.
Does anybody read these?
Does anybody look at these?
"Oh, they're cross-dressers.
They can handle anything."
[ Voice breaking ] Not really.
And that was "Male Bag."
Coming up, that semi is gonna become a rager
when we tell you what's making us go, "Unhhhh" this week.
Welcome back.
The only thing worse than a break up
is the sad smell of desperation
when you're on the rebound.
Katya can smell desperation a good mile away.
But how good is she at smelling other stuff?
We'll find out in a game called "Scents for a Woman."
Now here's how this game's gonna work.
I'm gonna put an object under your nose,
and you're gonna identify what it is. Okay.
Are you ready? Ready. Wait, first, let me slip into something
a little more comfortable.
I have conjunctivitis. -Okay. [ Chuckles ]
Let's start with this. Take a whiff.
Tell me what you think it is.
-Uh, Play-Doh. -Mom, yes.
Okay, good.
It's really Play-Doh? -Yeah.
Wow, I haven't smelled that...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It smells pretty, right? -It's gross.
My mom used to be like, "Stop playing with that at the table.
Also, you don't live here." [ Chuckles ]
She's so funny.
She's dead now.
Congratulations.
[ Laughs ]
Quit trying to listen to it.
Ugh. Are you ready? -If this is hydrochloric acid,
I'm gonna kill you. -No.
You think I would waste it on you?
-A tennis ball. -Yes, bitch!
Yeah.
Oh, God. No, no.
That is pancake batter or yeasty...
Some-- It's gross. I don't like it.
It is pancake batter.
I think it smells like... -Oh, it's dough.
Is it dough? -I think it smells like cum.
It does smell like cum. Bleachy and gross.
Okay. Next up...
This object lacks a fragrance.
This is a rubber duck.
It's a baby, isn't it? [ Laughter ]
You put a baby in my mouth.
You fucking...
You villain. -[ Laughs ]
Next up, give this a whiff.
Oh, Lord. Is that -- Is that -- That's a farm.
That's a farm.
Hold on. Oh, Lord. That's manure-ish.
What the...
Let me get it again. -[ Gagging ]
-Let me get it again. -Oh, my God.
What is that?
Concentrated, uh, fucking...
That is fucking nasty.
What'd you do? Put a barn in a bottle?
-[ Indistinct ] -What is that?
Fucking doe urine.
-Doe urine? -It's pee.
Like, oh, my God. Like doe, a deer, a female...
Oh, my God. ♪ A doe, a deer, a deer's pee in your mouth ♪
Yes. -That is --
My body knew that it's time to throw up. Yeah, that bites.
Yeah, that bites. Did I make you hard?
Nope. [ Laughter ]
-Guess how much this cost? -I don't know.
50 bucks? -A buck.
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
Oh!
Unhhhh. Unhhhh. Transitional.
Unhhhh.
So, now the moment you've all been waiting for.
The thing that's making us go, "Unhhhh" this week
is... Both: Divorce.
People should just get divorced if they want.
Absolutely.
First of all, who are you getting married for?
Second of all, who are you staying married for?
Yeah. Kids? Bleh!
"Oh, my life was better
because my parents hated each other for years."
-Yeah. -"Mom and Dad, if you guys
didn't love each other, why did you stay together?"
"Because of you." -Yeah.
That's horrible.
I also feel that women end up brunting a lot of...
Of course! Women end up brunting a lot of the shame,
the embarrassment. -Yeah, persona non grata.
You are young and beautiful,
and you have been released to the wild, bitch.
Cast away. Spinsterhood.
And I think as people get older, they're like,
"Well, why go back out into the pool of dating?
No one wants me now." -Yeah.
I'm here to tell you --
someone will fuck you. -Oh, anybody will fuck you,
but who's gonna live with you? -Right. Exact--
Thank you. -Three options.
Wander the woods, become a librarian,
or join a Druid cult.
[ Laughter ]
Well, that's it for our show.
Aw.
And quick correction from last week, guys.
Dogs and bears -- turns out, entirely different species.
Science can be very mystifying.
-Bye. -Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye.
Pay your cable bill.
I don't want to lose you.
For more infomation >> Ingraham: Many politicians want Mueller to be invincible - Duration: 10:11. 
For more infomation >> Trump fights with Schumer over border wall, DACA - Duration: 5:59. 
For more infomation >> 정현, 떡잎부터 알아본 나 "이 친구 뭔가 되겠다, 얼굴보고 알았다" | 뉴스 24/24 - Duration: 17:30. 
For more infomation >> Mueller probe, FBI are on a collision course: Kennedy - Duration: 2:00. 
For more infomation >> BREAKING: He Just Released Terrifying Warning Of What's About To Happen To Trump - Duration: 4:44. 
For more infomation >> Democrat Says American People Are Too Stupid to Handle Classified Memo - Duration: 3:30. 
For more infomation >> FHP says 2018 is getting off to a deadly start in Central Florida - Duration: 1:33. 
For more infomation >> Rolex 24 at Daytona happening this weekend - Duration: 1:17. 
For more infomation >> Campus, Springfield police investigating armed robbery on WNEU campus - Duration: 1:50. 
For more infomation >> BREAKING NEWS From Pennsylvania!! THEY KILLED HIM! SO TRAGIC! - Duration: 7:37. 
For more infomation >> Matrix - Maria Luisa Iavarone e Stella Lucca madri delle vittime allarme baby gang - Duration: 3:31. 
For more infomation >> NEFFEX - Baller ( Copyright Free ) with subtittle [TMSC] - Duration: 3:17. 
For more infomation >> Selfies on iPhone X - Apple
For more infomation >> 1/22/18 3:48 PM (1-11 N River St, Wilkes-Barre, PA 18705, USA) - Duration: 0:29. 
Không có nhận xét nào:
Đăng nhận xét