Are people misgendering you? How can you learn to cope with that?
And why is being misgendered not that big of a deal?
Let's talk about that now.
[Autumn Asphodel]
Hi everyone! We are going to be discussing being misgendered,
how to cope with it, and why it's not an act of violence like
some activists claim. First, we must understand what is
misgendering. Misgendering refers to the act of
accidentally or purposefully referring to someone by the
gender pronouns they do not go by. For instance, since I am a
transgender woman who was born male and have transitioned to
female, people can misgender me by calling me by male pronouns.
I do not present as male, I do not look male, I do not sound
male, and so on. Rather, my identity is female since I
present, behave, and take the role of a female according to my
society. I have been accidentally and intentionally
misgendered, and neither of which, at almost any part of my
transition, affected me once I began my transition. However,
when I was presenting as male, being viewed and referred to as
such was very upsetting to me. Nevertheless, once I did
transition, being seen and referred to as such wasn't a big
deal since I knew in my mind I was a female. I was accidentally
misgendered initially by my family since it takes a while
for the people around you to get accustomed to calling you by
different pronouns. However, it was when I built an online
presence that I started being misgendered in a demeaning way.
But, despite all the terms people used and even the hatred
that came from some people, I never let that affect me to such
a degree that I would consider it anything more than simple
harassment and insecurities in that other person. A common
argument some people make, especially those in the
transgender community, and activists, is that being
misgendered is an 'act of violence.' Saying it's an act of
violence is nonsense for the simple fact that it's just
words. The reason why people think it's violence, however, is
often because it's uncomfortable being misgendered and it can
lower your own self-worth and esteem. Accidental misgendering
is understandable, but deliberate misgendering is rude
and ignorant. Regardless, to those who claim or think
deliberately misgendering someone is an act of violence,
let's be clear and rational here, it's not.
He/she/they/them, whatever you decide to call yourself and
identify, are just words. The moment you begin to let words
hurt you is when people start seeing how little self-esteem
you actually have and will often exploit that to hurt you more.
Am I affected by when people call me a man, guy, dude,
whatever? No, because the people who are deliberately saying this
are people who are often rude and inconsiderate and don't need
to be in my life. It's not an act of violence, but rather an
act of rudeness and perhaps harassment. These people are
entitled to their opinions the same as anyone else is. There
are people who see me as a male, and you know what, I was born
male and will always be one biologically so I see where that
thinking comes from. I get nasty comments every single day about
my transition, how I mutilated my body, how I will never truly
be a female, and guess what, it doesn't bother me because I
don't let it. If you let simple words hurt you,
then you've given these people so much more power
than they should have on the way you
feel about yourself. Let's take a deeper look at why people
think it's an act of violence. A large number of people who think
being misgendered is an act of violence are often people who
let their entire life and world revolve around their gender.
It's usually gender this and gender that and that's all they
think about. Some people going so far as to constantly observe
what pronouns people use for them and try to censor and
change other's perception and opinions of them. These very
same people often suffer from a severe lack of self-confidence
and worth because they essentially let other people
determine how they feel about themselves by the words of
others. The truth is, words can be abusive, absolutely. I will
not delegitimize all the victims of verbal childhood abuse, since
I personally was one. A child developing is greatly affected
by the words and actions of their parents when growing up as
their mind is developing. If they are constantly told they
are unloved and left all by themselves, abandoned, they will
feel alone and unloved when they are an adult until they can
overcome their past trauma. But, the moment when someone is an
adult and can make the decisions of their own life, they choose
to let the past and present actions of others affect them.
So, when someone feels that being misgendered is an act of
violence, the problem isn't with the person that is doing the
misgendering who has the right to their opinion and freedom of
speech, but rather with the person taking offense in the
first place. You don't have to let it affect you, and if you
do, the only person you can blame is yourself. Check out my
video about taking offense that goes into much more detail.
If you are misgendered, there are plenty of reasons for this.
Let's say you fully pass as a man or woman and no one can
tell. Yet, it's only until after you tell people that they
misgender you. They could do so accidentally, but also
intentionally. In this other person's mind, they know you
were not born as the sex you are presenting as and thus will try
to delegitimize you. Or it could even be the other way around,
that you don't pass well and people can't see you as male or
female. Let's say you have transitioned to female, but your
voice is deep, you have very dark facial hair, a receding
hairline, and so on. These are often traits of a male, and thus
people see you as a male. This can be extremely challenging for
some, and they want to pass so badly, but are unable to.
Regardless of if you pass or not, however, you can still be
happy and not worry about being misgendered. This is entirely up
to you. This also goes along with the society you live in,
and the expected roles of male and female determined by your
society. Now this is different from the biological differences
between men and women. Men typically are this and that way,
and their body structure reflects this. That's
biological. Societal is mostly the interests, such as men like
to do this and women like to do that. So, if you disobey society
and go against the typical "boys like blue, girls like pink,"
mentality, then people will view you differently as what they
consider male or female because they are conditioned, by
society, to believe these things determine male and female, when
in reality, it's many other things that determine it.
Another reason people may misgender you after they find
out you are trans is because they go by biology, saying
things like, "You are not biologically male or female."
As if that's a reason to purposefully misgender someone.
While it is true that trans people aren't biologically the
sex they transition to, as in chromosomes, physical features,
genitals, and so on, if you present as such, and wish to be
viewed as such, then others should respect that. But, it
doesn't mean everyone will agree with it. If you are being
misgendered, what are some ways you can cope with this?
Let's talk about that now.
Dealing with being misgendered can be challenging since it does
affect your self-esteem and self-worth. But, that's the hint
as to what to work on to being able to take being misgendered.
For you see, the biggest thing is working on your own
self-esteem and self-worth. If you love yourself, accept
yourself, and live each day with gratitude and positivity, then
other people trying to bring you down will be unable to put a
dent on your happiness. I'm not saying you will be exempt from
negativity entirely, but most of the time it just wouldn't
matter. To build up your confidence with being
misgendered, realize that these pronouns are just words. Does
'he' define you? Does 'she' define you? Do they really
define who you are? No, you are much more than your gender. As I
mentioned earlier, when all you think about and focus on in life
is your gender, you will be incredibly impacted when someone
misgenders you because you are constantly observing and
analyzing others and their perception of you. Instead of
worrying about how others perceive you, focus on how you
perceive yourself. When you let those pronouns, or other words
from people in general, define you, then you are letting the
other person have too much power. How you feel about
yourself is what you think of yourself. You can't let people
define you, only you can define you. If you identify as a woman,
but don't look it to others, does that really matter? If you
are a woman, and feel like a woman with whatever you consider
what a woman is, then that's all the happiness you need. The way
I compare it is like this, an older person transitioning may
feel like they will not pass or look good enough. But, that
doesn't matter. When they transition, they find the
happiness within themselves and that's all that matters. Other's
opinions don't matter and should not define you. Check out my
video about this that goes into much more detail. You cannot
force people to call you by the correct pronouns. Let me say
that one more time, you cannot force people to call you by the
correct pronouns. Self-explanatory. There are a
lot of people who do this, not just with being misgendered
either. When you expect and demand people change for you,
all that shows is how self-centered you are. Rather,
you have no control over someone else's thoughts and actions.
Focus on changing yourself, not how to control others.
In conclusion, misgendering refers to the act of
accidentally or purposefully referring to someone by the
gender pronouns they do not go by. It's uncomfortable being
misgendered and it can lower your own self-worth and esteem,
and that's where to begin with learning to deal with it. You
cannot change other people's perception of you, or their
thoughts or actions, but you can learn to build your own
self-confidence to properly deal with being misgendered.
It's so important to share this information any way you can.
With censorship on the rise, it will be buried and hidden and we
must fight against it. However you can support this cause helps
fight the censorship. If you would like to see more content
like this, feel free to donate via Patreon or PayPal. Sign up
for my free email newsletter. And be sure to check out my
other content. Thank you very much! If you have any other
input on this topic, I would love to hear it so please feel
free to leave a comment and let me know what you agree or
disagree with, and/or how this has helped you or someone close
to you. Have a wonderful day!
Thank you for watching my video!
If you would like more content, please feel free to subscribe.
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