-Let's get to some news here.
Last night President Trump held a rally in El Paso, Texas,
right by the Mexico border.
When he landed, he saw signs for El Paso.
He said, "Oh, God, I'm in Mexico.
I've overshot it."
Of course, Trump was there to make a case for his border wall,
and I saw that someone actually showed up to the rally
wearing a wall costume.
Take a look. Yeah. Yeah.
Looks like SpongeBob's conservative uncle.
[ Laughter and applause ]
He was having fun until someone dressed as the Kool-Aid Man
tried to run right through him.
It's a tragic, tragic story.
But before the President spoke,
his son Don Jr. came out to talk to the crowd.
And some people said he sounded like he was drunk.
Listen to him talk about the Russia investigation.
-For two years, they're been pursuing their witch hunt.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Slurring ] "For two years,
they've been pursuing their witch hunt."
Nothing.
Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.
[ Applause ]
"For two years."
Here's some big news.
It looks like Congress has reached a deal
to avoid another government shutdown.
That's good. [ Cheers and applause ]
I don't know what I'm gonna do first,
file my taxes or go to the DMV.
I don't know. I'm just so excited.
Even though Trump asked Congress for $5.7 billion for his wall,
they're only offering him $1.4 billion.
When Trump asked how much wall that buys him,
Congress said, "This much."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, Trump talked about the deal at a cabinet meeting today.
And he started the meeting like he always does,
by going around to each cabinet member
and saying, "I thought I fired you.
I thought I -- I definitely fired you."
At one point during his rally last night,
Trump started talking about drug-sniffing dogs
and why he doesn't have a dog.
It was odd.
The whole thing sounded kind of crazy,
but maybe it's just 'cause Trump's the one who said it.
I don't know. I mean --
I wonder if it would sound less crazy
coming out of someone else's mouth.
Does anybody here want to read what the President said
word for word and see if it makes sense?
Who wants to give it a shot? Come on.
Wanna do it?
Yeah. You can try it. Come here.
Come on, man.
Come down to the monologue mark here.
It'll be fun.
Have you ever read off cue cards before?
-No. -Okay, this will be fun.
That's the monologue mark here.
Hey, nice to see you, pal. -Hi. Nice to see you, too.
-What's your name? -Blake.
-Blake. Very good.
Blake, these are the exact words
of the President of the United States.
Let's see if they sound any less crazy when you say them.
You can read them right off those cue cards.
And take it away whenever you're ready.
-Should I do it in Trump's voice?
-No.
[ Laughter ]
-"By the way, there's nothing better
than a good old-fashioned German shepherd.
It's hard to believe, right? It's true.
You know, I was with the people,
and they were showing me this incredible computerized stuff
and where it goes.
I said, 'Could I?'
The Secret Service took me out to the place,
and they were showing me these German shepherds.
They're unbelievable.
They'll run past all these empty boxes,
and one of the boxes has drugs in it deep down in a box.
You do love your dogs, don't you?
I wouldn't mind having one, honestly.
But I don't think any time. I don't have time.
How would I look walking a dog on the White House lawn?
Would that be -- Right? Sort of.
Not for -- I don't know. Doesn't -- I don't feel good."
-There you go.
[ Laughter ]
What?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Still.
-You didn't do any better. Still sounds weird.
Sorry. Thank you.
Thank you for trying, though. Good try.
Did you guys hear about this?
Today a jury in New York
convicted Mexican drug lord El Chapo.
And now he's facing life in prison.
I'll have a joke about this
after I'm 100% sure he's spending his life in prison.
Just so you know. I'll be the first one there.
Actually, El Chapo's jury took six days to reach a verdict --
one day to deliberate, then five days to change their names
and move to different states.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Speaking of New York,
this week the city's hosting the Westminster Dog Show.
And there are two new breeds competing.
These are real. This one's --
They're called the grand basset griffon Vendéen
and the Nederlandse kooikerhondje.
[ Laughter ]
Those don't belong at a dog show.
They belong at Ikea.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Hoogin-floogin.
After this -- After going out of business last year,
Toys "R" Us stores are coming back.
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
When asked how he made a living while he was unemployed,
Geoffrey the giraffe said, "You do not want to know."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, I saw that later this month,
Coca-Cola is releasing a new flavor -- orange vanilla.
It's interesting.
It's the first time anyone's combined orange and vanilla
since Donald Trump and Mike Pence.
[ Cheers and applause ]
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