What do you-- Do you feel 91? You don't act 91.
No, I don't. No, I feel as good as I ever did.
-Yeah. -(STAMMERING) But...
you know, Shakespeare said,
"The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."
-TOM: Mm-hm. -It doesn't go on to say
what happens when the spirit takes a hike.
-TOM: (LAUGHING) Yeah. -It hasn't happened yet.
Carl, how-- Is there a number that you feel?
Yes, uh...
Not until next year after the next year,
-the next year after that. -(TOM CHUCKLES)
I have a deal with George Shapiro
I said I'll probably live till 94 or five,
and he says, "I'll take an option for a year."
(TOM LAUGHING)
Every year, he gives me an option
-and then I go one more year. -(TOM LAUGHS)
-Mel? -Contracts... I always foll--
(STAMMERING) contracts, I'm very aware of contracts
and I will uphold the contract.
(TOM CHUCKLES)
So that keeps you going, legal issues.
By the way, I can't imagine what we're going to say here--
Carl, they're trying to get to me!
-Wait a second. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-MEL: Alright. -CARL: Wait a second.
MEL: You want to just natter away?
CARL: You know what? I was gonna say--
I told you, Annie, he'll never stop.
I can't imagine what we're going to say
that wasn't said already.
That's alright. Mel, say something--
I can't imagine following the last thing you did
on screen.
-What was that? -Oh, the face.
-Yeah -Oh, my God.
Oh, the face.
Oh, those face-- Yeah, that was fun.
For some reason I had never seen it.
-That was really funny. -You know what, wait, wait.
Really funny.
The genesis of that was interesting.
I was in the army and I was in...
I came on the west coast on my way to Hawaii,
and I went to see Sinatra, in the radio show,
and he was singing a beautiful song,
maybe it was "Far Away Places,"
and a little break came, and it was radio.
♪ It was far and... ♪
He had a little frog in his throat.
He walked away and... (PRETENDS TO COUGH UP PHLEGM)
He did that and he continued to sing,
and I thought to myself...
you can't-- On television you won't be able to do that,
and then I got the idea
that there might have been some radio singers
who had... were beautiful
but they had problems with their facial contortion.
-And that's how that started. -(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Uh, you've just reminded me, though,
of something I have never thought of,
in 60, 80, I don't know how many years.
I'm a kid at Emerson College in Boston,
and there's a play called High Kickers at the Shubert.
Starring Al Jolson and Sophie Tucker.
Does-- How many people here remember
there was an Al Jolson, and a Sophie Tucker.
-Yes. -(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
I'm standing in the alley, waiting for them,
I want to get an autograph.
And they're walking out,
and as they come close to me, Sophie Tucker goes...
-(NORMAN SNORTS) -(TOM LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
NORMAN: ...right at the edge of my shoe.
I never got the autograph.
CARL: You still have those shoes?
TOM: Dick, you told me once about the time
you met Stan Laurel,
talk about that just a little bit,
because that was...
I told you after the...
Talking to you was like that for me.
-But-- -DICK: Oh, yeah.
Well, I was looking through the Santa Monica phone book
for something, and it just...
It said, "Stan Laurel." I said, "It can't be!"
I called up and it was Stan Laurel!
(TOM AND AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And he had seen the show, he knew who I was,
and I said, "You know I've stolen a lot from you
over the years." And he said, "Yes, I know."
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
-What a sweet man. -TOM: Yeah.
DICK: Oh, God... Jerry Seinfeld was talking about
getting up grumpy in the morning.
I'm one of those people, wakes up, you know,
on the right side of the bed.
But I realized that's something...
that's not a habit you can acquire.
Your brain chemistry is that,
some people just get up on the wrong side.
I get up and...
I'm talking and nobody wants to hear me.
But, you can't... you can't change that.
-TOM: Yeah. -DICK: Do you wake up...?
I wake up closer to Jerry's mood I think, a lot of the time.
But, Norman, you talk about being present,
-and I know Jerry meditates-- -I wake up and take a leak.
Yeah, there you go, that's always good.
(MEL AND AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Always better to get out of bed to do that, yeah.
You talk--
You talk about being present and... (STAMMERING)
is that a key for you, just being in the moment?
In the now?
Yeah, I know, I believe what I said
about those two little words, and...
The fact of my life is...
it has taken me 94 years, a bunch of months, weeks, days,
minutes, to get to this second, where I am doing this.
And everybody took a... Every split second
of everybody's life, sitting here,
just to get to see me pointing at them.
(TOM LAUGHS)
Well, I mean,
on the stage we're way ahead of those guys.
Those figures.
-TOM: Carl-- -That's just a fact.
The 2000 Year Old Man which we saw several clips of,
how did that start?
It started because Mel was the funniest human being
-in the world. -(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
And I'll give you... I've said that...
I've said this before,
when I came to work on the shows,
there were writers in the room and Mel was there
as a friend of Sid Caesar's,
he worked for Sid, not actually on the show.
I think he gave you 35 dollars a week or so.
-Fifty. -Fifty dollars a week.
And I walked in and I didn't know who he was,
but he was standing there doing a Jewish Pirate.
And I'll never forget the first words
out of his mouth.
He says, "You know how hard it is to set sail, today?"
He says, "You know what they charging
for sale cloth?"
"Three dollars and 40 cents a yard!
I can't afford the pillage and rape anymore."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -The first words.
the following Monday, I came to the office,
I had heard We the People Speak a radio show--
A television show about... current news,
and I turn to him, and for no reason I say,
"Here's a man who is 2000-year-old," and he...
"May I ask you a question, sir? You are 2000?"
And Mel said... I said, "Do you know Jesus?"
And he says, "Thin lad, right?"
(TOM LAUGHS)
-He says... -He does me better than I.
And he said, "He wore sandals,
walked around with 12 other guys?
They always came into my store, never bought anything, I...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)
But they were nice boys, I gave them water."
That was the first thing.
And then, for the next ten years,
I asked this man, who didn't know what the questions were,
the funniest brain that exists today
-is in that head. -TOM: That's right.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
And he's the only one who can do a cat noise.
Weren't you doing that one?
(YOWLS)
TOM: That's something!
-Mel, how-- -I'll be remembered
for that, tonight. (CHUCKLES)
How do you wake up?
Do you wake up like Dick or like Jerry? Or...
Uh, you know, it depends. If it's, uh...
if it's a... a really-- I have the windows open.
If it's a really dark day...
I simply don't. I don't wake up.
But if it's a bright sunny day, I'm up and...
The only thing that bothers me
is my timing, I used to be incredibly gifted.
In terms of leaping out of bed and into my slippers.
And now, I miss them by a mile.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
I missed it, my slippers, and it's--
-By the way... -Bathroom tiles...
... I'd like to comment on one thing.
Mel Brookes
has the most beautiful shoes I've ever seen--
-And you have the worst! -I know!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Look at those shoes! There's shine on those shoes.
Yeah, thanks.
Well, I have the most money, except for Norman, I think.
Yeah, Norman. Yeah, by far.
Norman, you should dress better.
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
I mean, he's-- I mean, we're all well off, but I mean...
I checked recently,
I have 67 more dollars than you.
-Yeah. -That's not a lot, no?
No, it isn't. Not really.
He's so rich. (CHUCKLES)
It's scary.
-(STUTTERING) I-- -Norman always had the best--
As a matter of fact...
what I'd like to do is, when this is finished,
I'd like everybody to come,
we will all go over to my house.
Yeah, there's enough room for everybody here.
Believe me.
TOM: Do you ever think-- Did you ever--
-Tom! -What?
You're superfluous, really.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -You know, you don't...
You know, it's not incumbent upon you--
-Everybody here-- -No, wait.
Everybody here is a self-starter, everybody!
We can get up, we can talk about Jews,
we can talk about anything.
Two Jews get off-- Wait a minute.
-TOM: That's alright. -By the way,
-don't-- -Tom...
No, I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine.
No, I understand... Mel gets two words mixed up.
Superfluous, he meant superior.
-TOM: Oh, there you go. -He gets two words mixed up.
-I meant superfluous. -TOM: It's alright. I'm good.
You know, can I explain where his reaction...
"Norman has more money than anybody," comes from?
It comes from this...
All those years ago,
we had this group called "Yenemvelt."
And it was the Reiners and the Brookses,
and the Dom DeLuises, was he funny?
Oh, my God. And the wittiest,
the wittiest writer that ever wrote in our business,
-Larry... -CARL: Gelbart.
Larry Gelbart.
There five couples. We did this for some years,
twice a year.
I knew the guy who had the houses,
and invited us to take them anytime. I put it together.
Five bedrooms in each of these houses,
one is in La Costa, one at Palm Springs,
and one bedroom was about four inches larger
-than the other bedroom. -It was much bigger.
-And I... I took that bedroom. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Because I put the bloody thing together.
He never stopped resenting it. (CHUCKLES)
-Alright. -He told us,
he told me at last, just a few years ago
-that this was the turn. -CARL: By the way,
there was one thing we did.
We never laughed so much at breakfast,
we laughed so much,
we got never up from breakfast,
we kept talking and laughing, and talking and laughing.
And then... That's where we sang
the Yenemvelt song for the first time,
and I said, "This is the start, gentlemen."
I said, "Something like this
should be sealed in wax."
And I said, "We'll do that
if you take your pinky and put it in--
Where's the nearest wax? In your ears."
So we had our fingers in each other's ears,
and we sang Yenemvelt every morning.
(CARL SINGS)
This is a kind of crazy.
Are we supposed to be talking about aging?
No, we did enough of that. I think.
Carl, when you first met Dick,
and Sheldon Leonard said,
"We're gonna find a better you."
Did you think he was, initially?
Well, let me say this...
besides his being the funniest human being,
-this is the single-- -Funniest.
...most talented man that ever lived.
And wait, wait.
And I...
You would think that, you know, of course I know him so well,
but this guy named Steve Martin,
who I think in his category he's a genius,
he knows so many things about art,
he knows everything about everything.
He called me one day and he said,
"You know who the single most talented man
in the world is? Dick Van Dyke."
And I called him and he said-- No, he did say, he did say that.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
Sheldon Leonard, who was the producer
of The Van Dyke Show,
gave me the only acting lesson I ever had.
He came to me, one night and said,
"You're talking in a monotone,
make your voice go up and down more."
And I did and everything was fine then.
(LAUGHING)
You know, even if you didn't make it go up and down,
you still would've been a star.
A lot of things can't go up and down, anymore.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Dom DeLuise was the funniest one
-in our group, really. -He was.
-He was adorable. -CARL: He was.
We'd have breakfast and he'd say,
"Mel, please pass the pancakes. Hurry!"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Out of nowhere...
He was just...
I don't like to correct him because he's usually right.
But it was, "Pass the bread."
It was a piece of bread. "Pass the bread. Hurry!"
-Wasn't such a big correction. -(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
Because he might be listening!
That's true.
Did any of you ever think of retiring?
Of just, you know...
I thought of retiring Carl, but he won't!
-(ALL LAUGHING) -He said he won't.
I mean, it's just, he's stubborn! You know?
Dick, you just went to London and shot...
the new Mary Poppins movie.
-Yeah, the new Mary Poppins. -TOM: Yeah.
-I got to do a dance number. -(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
Yeah, I did a song and dance number.
It was... it's...
I always thought, well, sequels you know, traditionally
never as good as the original, but they don't call it that,
they call it an homage.
-TOM: Oh, they do? -Yeah.
But I played the son of the old banker
that I played in the first one,
and I thought well, I've grown into the part now!
Won't need any make-up you know, stick a moustache on--
You're kidding! I've become the 2000-year-old man!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -You're easy.
But they put a wig on me and a beard on me,
and I should...
You're making up a 91-year-old man,
to look like a 91-year-old man.
But I did dance and I did good, yeah.
TOM: So it's not... It's not Bert?
-It's what? -It's not...
No, the guy who stars in Hamilton on Broadway,
plays what would be Bert, the lamp lighter.
-TOM: Okay. -He dances well.
He's a good dancer, too.
You're talking about Lin-Manuel?
Yeah, yeah, what a talent.
And Emily Blunt is being Mary Poppins.
I said the girl on the train is Mary Poppins?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But she's very, very good.
And Meryl Streep's in it, Angela Lansbury...
Yeah. Very good cast.
It'll be all around Christmas, I guess.
Well, it was asked somewhat facetiously of you, Carl
in what we saw...
do you feel peer pressure?
Are there people that you look up to?
Oh, yes. Anybody who criticizes Trump.
TOM: Anybody who criticizes Trump.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -My hats off!
TOM: By the way-- -By the way, I...
I cannot go to bed unless I do an anti-Trump...
I started many years ago, before he was...
when he first started thinking about running.
-TOM: Yeah. -I started tweeting about him.
And I can't go to bed unless I tweet about him.
How do you feel? You gotta feel good today,
Special Counsel was appointed. Mueller, former FBI chief.
-(AUDIENCE CLAPPING) -Yes.
I was in London for two weeks.
People would stop me on the street,
and say, "What the hell is going on over there?"
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
I'm so scared, he's going all over the world--
No, no, You're all wrong!
-(LAUGHING) -You're the only one.
All of you are wrong. You're wrong!
What the hell would happen to late night television
without Trump?
I mean, he's critical to our ratings!
He's critical to MSNBC for sure.
Every television comedy program opens with ten minutes
of anti-Trump talk. Samantha--
Let's see among us who does the best Trump.
(CARL LAUGHS)
-Wanna start, Dick? -I've never done him.
-Alec Baldwin does-- -Oh, yeah.
You were asking, who you look up to?
TOM: Yeah. -I look...
-These fellows, right here. -TOM: Me too.
Without these two creative giants,
I wouldn't even be sitting here today.
Carl has been my mentor and my idol,
-ever since-- -We made two pictures together.
Dick and I made two pictures together.
It's called The Dick Van Dyke Show
because we found Dick Van Dyke.
Wouldn't have worked without...
We couldn't think of a title.
No.
That was interesting by the way, I must say,
when Sheldon Leonard-- And Dick was...
You had been on Broadway, and we were looking for a title,
Head of the Family was up. And I said,
"Let's call it The Dick Van Dyke Show."
I said, "There's a guy named Gene Rayburn,
they call him the star of the show, talk show."
I said, "This is a real star." And he said, "No, no."
I said, "If you call it The Dick Van Dyke Show,
people will say, who's Dick Van Dyke?"
I said, "After the first show, they'll know
who Dick Van Dyke is."
Rose Marie had that exact question, right?
She said, "What's a Dick Van Dyke?"
Anyway, The Dick Van Dyke Show was...
was born because Dick Van Dyke was born.
Let me tell-- I wanna tell you a story.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -I mean, this is all nice.
But... but... you know, we're not getting paid.
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
I'm gonna get on with this, so you can have a big laugh,
and we can go with our conscience...
clear. Okay.
Would you like to know what the story is?
-Yes. -Okay.
Many years ago, Carl was a host of game shows.
But the singular... Tom, no offence.
The singular MC of game shows was a crew cut guy
with thick black horn rim glasses,
and his name was Bill Cullen. and Bill Cullen did--
He did all of them, and he was superb.
And he did a show called, Eye Guess.
And I was a guest star.
And Julia Meade was my partner, you're gonna like this, Norman.
And...
So, we did the show and I got...
you know, as usual I got couple of laughs,
and I was entertaining,
and he was really, very, very generous,
he was effusive, and-- "Mel, you were so funny, thank you.
"You made the show." Blah Blah Blah.
Now... he always stood behind a little dais,
a little lectern.
And always did his MCing,
not like Carl, who was all over the place,
from this little lectern.
Okay, so now, it's finished, the show is cut, it's over.
Right, and he comes...
from behind the lectern...
I'm not sure what's happening, and he says,
"Mel, Mel, you were so funny. You were so..."
so, I think he's cute, he's doing Jerry Lewis,
So I say, "Bill, what do you know?
How you doing?"
And Julia Meade is saying, "No, no! He's...
Don't! He's crippled, he had polio! He had polio!"
And I'm saying, "Too late. Too late."
(LAUGHING)
Anyway, we got to the middle...
We got to the middle of the stage,
he hugs me, he says, "You son of a bitch,
-no one ever had the nerve." -(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
And he was crying, and that's the story.
Wait, wait.
Carl, I have to ask you because--
One thing, he talked about game shows,
I remember being on a lot of game shows.
I hosted game shows, celebrity game...
Keep Talking.
But there was one game show, we were guests on it,
myself, I'm sitting next to Hedy Lamarr,
and another person there, and we're asking questions...
of the guests.
And I'm asking a question, from the corner of my eye
I see she's reaching into her pocket for a cigarette,
and being the gentleman that I am,
I reach and I took a lighter-- Not a lighter, a matchbook.
And I lit a match and I held it here,
and I hear this voice say,
"Carl, what are you going to do, light my lozenge?"
Mel's story made me think of another story
of a misunderstanding that you told me once
-and Barbara Bain is here. -Yeah.
Do you know the one I'm talking about?
I think William Wyler was at your house,
or you were at his house, and there was something,
a misunderstanding about...
you know, where I'm going with this, Mel?
-No. -No.
-Keep talking. -Right.
There was a...
-an aroma. -Oh, no.
That was one of the most unforgettable evenings
of my life.
No, because we met my... my agent.
We had a mutual agent.
I was his client and so was Paul Renoir.
-TOM: Okay. -And he introduced me
to Paul Renoir. We went to his house...
he played...
Oh, my God. He'd just gotten the...
Hit-- No.
Hitler had burned all of the...
the films. The great film he made.
-Was it Grand Illusion? -Grand Illusion, yeah.
Hitler, he burnt...
Somebody... somebody called from Germany,
and said, "We found some garbage cans
with nitrate film, and it has your name on it."
He's pretty certain that that's...
That's probably Grand Illusion, he had it put together,
and at his house we saw Grand Illusion,
and then next week we invited him to our house
and I showed him Enter Laughing, which he liked.
And we invited Eva Marie Saint, Barbara Bain,
there was another blonde lady there. (STAMMERING)
And... his wife said, you know,
"Mr. Renoir, Jean can't stay up too late, after eleven o'clock.
So, one o'clock in the morning he was so happy to be talking,
chatting, and at one point, we have a little bar there,
where we were all standing around,
and then one the ladies went to the bathroom,
and all of a sudden, a stench comes from the bathroom.
-(TOM LAUGHS) -Like you never...
And another lady-- Nobody said anything.
Another lady goes to the bathroom...
and another one, and nobody says anything
about the stench.
And I'm wanting to get everybody out of the house.
We finally get them out of the house. I said, "My God!"
And I said, "What is that?" And I... It smelt terrible
in the bathroom.
Then I went to the pantry and it smelt even worse there.
The following day I called the people who handle
these kinds of things.
The went under the house and found
-that a cat had died there... -(AUDIENCE SIGHING)
...a couple months ago, and was putrefying.
Wait a minute. (YOWLS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Anyway. Anyway, so, I sent...
-I sent, I sent... -Do a dying, do a cat dying.
-(MEL RASPS) -Wait, I sent a letter
to all of the people who were there.
I said, "It was not the man to your left,
or the lady to your left.
It was none of the blonde ladies.
It was a dead cat that was under the house."
-(MEL RASPS) -And I got letters
from everybody back, saying, "Thank God!"
They all thought it was someone.
And now ladies and gentlemen, this is the cat, as it dies.
(YOWLS SOFTLY)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Sorry about the fart.
So, to your earlier point, Dick,
it's all about aging and such.
Do you have any advice for...
those of us who hope to reach the pinnacles you've reached?
-Keep moving. Absolutely. -TOM: Keep Moving.
-TOM: The title of your book. -That's the answer.
Yeah, I have a book by that name, incidentally.
I wanted to call it,
"What to do while circling the dream."
The publisher didn't think it was funny.
I have to just quickly say, I have a thank you,
I wanna publicly thank you for something,
because when we did that conversation
for your book tour,
my dad had died a couple of weeks earlier.
And, uh...
you... I mentioned that, and you said the sweetest thing,
you said, "I'll be your dad."
And I thought even my own father
would understand how readily I accepted
that offer.
Outside on the carpet,
somebody said, if they ever rebooted The Dick Van Dyke Show,
who do you think should play Rob?
And I said, "This guy! He can do it."
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
-This guy is very talented. -Thank you.
That makes up for Mel's slight, earlier.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
He said, "keep moving." I say, keep typing.
I get up in the morning and I have some--
And I've got three books coming out.
I mean, one is just out now called--
And by the way, Mel gives me--
I just say, eat bran!
No. Mel gives me titles and I write books.
I finished the book called, Reiner Now You're Ninety-Four.
And I said, what do I do, now? He says, "too busy to die."
And I wrote, I just finished the book, Too Busy to Die,
which is going out there.
And he gave me one more after that,
what was it? Oh, yes, he said,
uh... Alive at 95?
Yeah, the movies of my life.
Oh, no. That's-- How about this,
a book title at the beginning?
-What? -The book-- The film tonight.
Yes.
If You're Not in the Obit, Eat Breakfast.
-That was the book. -Yes!
You are the creator of the book!
-TOM: Yeah, there you go. -I know.
And you're not getting a penny!
-By the way, this morning-- -They never pay.
-They never pay! -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I put the pages out, I used the--
How funny I was tonight, I don't get a penny!
The obit-- I did that this morning. I do--
But another thing I do now, I open the obits... (INDISTINCT)
But I stop to read the... the ages
and I said, "Got you beat. Got you beat."
(ALL LAUGHING)
-Try that, it's good. -TOM: Okay.
-MEL: That's good. -TOM: Norman, any, any advice?
You know, I'm gonna put everything that I know
about all this in a show, ask me the title.
What's the title of the show, Norman?
-Guess Who Died. -(ALL LAUGHING)
It's gonna be a show about...
an elderly-- A retirement village.
With the running around on golf carts and sleeping
with one another and having a good time and they're over 70
-and 80 and... -Not bad, I think
-it would work, really. -CARL: By the way, I want--
I must say one thing, the four of us here.
I don't know, you're too young.
We didn't go to the bathroom after the thing.
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
How many here would like to go to the bathroom,
-raise your hands. -TOM: Alright!
Well, let's give them an opportunity--
I can-- I adore the four of you.
-Thank you so much. -NORMAN: We love being with you.
-MEL: Tom, you were great. -TOM: Thank you buddy.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) -TOM: How about this line up?
TOM: Dick Van Dyke, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, Norman Lear!
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