-Big show tonight.
Guys, if you're watching from home,
you're in for a great show.
If you're watching from jail, then you probably
work for the president.
[ Laughter ]
That's right today was the big sentencing hearing
for Trump's former lawyer, Michael Cohen.
He got 36 months in prison, or as Trump puts it,
[As Trump] that's like, 20 years.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] That's right.
Cohen got three years for arranging
illegal hush-money payments for Trump.
But Cohen said, "Could have been worse.
I could have been sentenced to be White House Chief of Staff."
That would've been -- if you don't remember Cohen,
here he is. There, yeah.
[ Light laughter ]
He looks pretty innocent to me.
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
If you saw that guy on an episode
of "Law and Order" you'd be like, he did it.
Come on.
[ Laughter ]
Come on, give me a break.
I saw that today in court an artist did a sketch of Cohen.
Can we see that? [ Laughter ]
Oh, my gosh. Oh, man.
He looks like every dad finding out
their daughter was cast on "The Bachelor."
[ Laughter ] And you go, oh my God.
Get this, Cohen also had to pay
more than $1 million in restitution.
When Trump heard that he was like,
[As Trump] $1 million for restitution?
She must have been good.
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this, Trump said that
he'll shut down the government if Congress doesn't give him
money for his border wall.
So Democrats are just going to show Trump a photo
of the Great Wall of China,
and tell him it's already been built.
[ Laughter ]
We did it.
[ Applause ]
It looks beautiful. I like it.
Well, Trump met with Nancy Pelosi
and Chuck Schumer about the border wall yesterday,
and it made him so angry that threw a folder
full of papers across the room.
Yeah, it was mess.
There was resignation letters everywhere.
[ Laughter ] That's right.
During their Oval Office meeting, Trump, Schumer,
and Pelosi, got into a heated argument
over funding for the border wall.
The photos from the meeting are really interesting.
Take a look at this.
This is when Trump said that he'd shut down
the government if he doesn't get funding for wall.
Take a look at a few other moments.
This is when Trump tried handing his Christmas list
to Chuck Schumer.
[ Laughter ]
This is when Nancy Pelosi got so frustrated
that she tried ordering a cosmo.
[ Laughter ]
This is when Trump started shouting out spoilers
to the new "Aquaman" movie.
[ Laughter ]
It's like, don't tell me.
Oh, this is when Trump tried to break the tension,
and started beat boxing.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, this is when Mike Pence shifted into
low power mode, right before his battery ran out.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And get this, on Fox News last night,
they showed all the finalists for "Time" magazine's
Person of the Year, but there was a typo in someone's name.
See if you can find it. Take a look.
-You had Putin. You have Blasey Ford, J.M.,
and then you had, it says David Trump on my sheet,
but I assume they mean Donald Trump.
-What? David Trump. -David Trump. On Fox News.
-President was like, [As Trump] "Wow.
I've been saying it wrong the whole time."
[ Laughter ]
"Says there, David.
I'm David Trump?"
[ Normal voice ] Well, you guys, we're in the middle
of the holiday season.
A lot of companies are having their big
year-end holiday parties.
Now, dressing up for those are always fun,
but picking the right outfit can be a little stressful.
So here to share some tips on what to wear
to an office holiday party is independent expert,
Andrew Carnes.
Andrew?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. Yes, good. -What, how are you doing? Well?
-Yes, very good. How are you? -I'm doing great.
Everything's good? -Things are bad.
-The wife is good? -No things are --
-The kids are good? -Everything is --
all of it is bad.
[ Laughter ]
-Andrew, welcome to the show. -Yes, nice to see you
for the first time.
[ Laughter ]
-Welcome back.
-Yeah. -As I said.
Andrew, as an independent expert,
can you give us some tips on what to wear
to an office holiday party? -I'd love nothing more.
[ Laughter ]
Now, in planning for
an office holiday party, it's important to look stylish
yet joyful. -Okay.
-This outfit, for instance --
[ Laughter ] -
-Oh, that's you there. -Yeah.
-That's a picture of you. -Now this is both mindful
of an office dress code as well as evocative
of the holiday spirit, which is reflected in
the crimson-colored argyle sweater,
and Santa Claus head hat. -The head hat.
-The head hat, yes. -Now what should someone
not wear to an office holiday party?
-Something like this.
[ Laughter ]
Now. -Oh, no, man. Come on. Andrew.
-Now, while the red coloring does conjure up
the Christmas spirit -- -Okay.
-The nipple-colored jacket, and groin garnish --
-Yeah, groin garnish, yeah. -Sorry, nipple crops,
I meant to say.
Now, this person really looks like garbage.
Sometimes it's better to let a Christmas present
remain unwrapped. -That's good.
Now, Andrew, so you're saying that
the first outfit is good, but the second one is bad.
-Yes, it's slightly difficult. It's confusing.
-Uh-huh. -Yeah.
Perhaps I should give another example.
-That's a great idea.
-Now, if you're looking for an appropriate party outfit,
this one's a winner. -Okay, okay.
-Approachable. -That's the picture you want
to go with there Andrew? Is that you --
-The outfit is a winner. -Yep.
-Seasonal. -Uh-huh.
-Inoffensive. -Uh-huh.
That's right. -Snazzy necktie with frostman
the snowman on it.
[ Laughter ]
-Frostman the snowman. Yep. Frosty the snowman.
-I believe -- I think it's frostman.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay.
-This outfit -- -Yeah, it's very nice.
-Conveys Christmas warmth, as well as a respect
for the institutions of the modern American office.
-All right good. -Yeah.
-That's very, very good. -But what does not convey
respect is this.
[ Laughter ]
-No, no, no, no, no. That's too much now.
You've gone too far. -Now, while the
oriental headdress brings to mind Christmas decorations
of yore. -Yeah, no yeah.
-The salmon-colored one-piece brings to mind
a bloated male member of the Rockettes.
-Yeah. -Wearing something like this
would put you on both Santa's, and HR's naughty list.
Does that all make sense? -I'm afraid not.
I'm still actually confused. -Oh, understandable.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Now to clarify, this is an excellent outfit
to wear to an office party. -Yeah, okay.
These are more examples. -This, however, is not.
-Okay. -Yeah.
-All right, well that's -- -It's kind of a Hanukkah theme.
-That's it. I think I'm getting it, but I'm not quite there yet.
-Fine.
This is not acceptable,
while this is even less acceptable.
-Okay, I understand -- I see what you're saying.
-Yeah. -So, you're saying that
this is something you should not wear.
-Correct. -And this is also something
you should not wear. -Yes. Yes. Correct.
-Yeah. -And of course it wouldn't be
the holiday season if I didn't remind you not to wear these.
-No.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-My gosh.
Get out of here! -No.
-Me get out of here? How about you get out.
Oh, my gosh.
Get him out of here. Get out of here.
Get -- no. That way. I don't care. Get out of here!
My God.
What the heck? Wow. -Wow.
-That was offensive.
That was offensive! -He's an expert?
-He's an independent expert. -That's awful.
-He's an independent expert. -That's awful.
-That is just terrible. I apologize.
-Why would you do that? -I apologize to you.
-Oh my gosh. -I feel like a fool.
[ Laughter ] -Letting that person
on the show. I don't think you taught
anybody anything. -Is that right?
-Yeah, I don't think you did. -Do you feel like --
you must feel like a fool. -I feel like a damn fool.
[ Laughter ]
-Finally, check this out.
After an accident at a chocolate factory in Germany,
tons of liquid chocolate spilled out onto the streets.
Take a look at this.
Yep, when police arrived on the scene, they were like,
please God, let that be chocolate.
We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots, everybody!
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