our next subjects is rapport in your
notes anywhere you want there's no place
where just right rapport is power
rapport is power earlier today we said
anything you want to achieve anything
you want to learn master experience
there's somebody out there who has a
life experience the understanding the
network the capital the thing you need
to be able to achieve it but they're not
going to give you what they want or
they'll give you what you want rather a
need until you first give them what they
want need and you're not you're going to
find out what they want need until you
first get in a relationship of rapport
if you don't do that you're never gonna
learn anything reports power what is a
relationship of rapport rapport means
total responsiveness between people when
someone is totally responding to you and
you're totally responding that hearing
rapport
there's that connection it's that spark
that happens in certain communications
or relationships now everybody wants to
create rapport have it but most people
only get rapport with people who are
like whom themselves or they lose with
everybody else which means you got a
very limited world so we want to take it
to a different level so let's say for
example if I said to you right now guys
I want you to go out to a local
restaurant or bar and I want you to meet
somebody and I want you to develop
rapport with them I can actual them how
many feel like you do that no problem
say I and if you're not raising your
hand you're probably selling yourself
short of course you could how would you
do it though you walk in this restaurant
a bar you meet somebody and you can
gauge them in conversation by asking a
few what questions now is it possible to
ask a few questions and have a
conversation go please just die is that
possible yes or no so questions don't
create rapport questions or a tool use
to dig for something what are you
digging for we ask these questions
you're trying to find something in what
that's right so write your notes rapport
is created by a feeling of commonality
the pour is created by a feeling of
commonality or is created by a feeling
of commonality we people we feel like we
have something in common with someone
there's a spark now here's the problem
if rapport is created by unity of
commonality most people try to get
rapport by using words but you've
already learned something what
percentage of their communication skills
are words what percentage 7% which means
you're leaving out ninety-three percent
of your skills which is why most people
don't get rapport with a large number
people yeah what are you to walk in a
restaurant a bar and go hi what's your
name where are you from why are you here
and person says my name is Abby I'm from
Iraq I'm a terrorist I'm here to kill
people and you go amazing me too
now see words don't always work do they
but there is something that always works
to get rapport and that's something
called matching and mirroring matching
and mirroring now mastercam mirroring
came about 35 years ago when it's we've
all done matching airing our whole lives
but the person who pointed out was
Milton Erickson dr. Erickson was a
genius what he did was he was a medical
doctor but he also was a psychologist
and a hypnotherapist probably the best
that ever lived and people would come to
see him who try to change everything
anywhere else in their life nothing at
work they see him for one session he'd
handle it and the reason is because he
understood something he understood that
you have both the conscious mind and a
subconscious mind and he knew the
subconscious is more powerful they part
that makes your heart beat a hundred
thousand times a day without ever think
about so he knew if he could influence
your subconscious mind he could change
anything and that's what he did but
here's how he did it he had polio so he
was in a wheelchair
so he spent an enormous amount of time
studying people and he began to notice
something about human beings that when
human beings got together if they got in
rapport relationship of responsiveness
they became like each other in a variety
of ways what he called they mirrored
each other
now I've taught this for 25 years I'm
sure you've heard of it I've read into
my books and it's been taught in a
variety of it areas
now but it's one thing to know it
intellectually or to understand it's
another thing to know it when you're
doing it that's what I want to get you
to do tonight so you have a real
experience of it that you won't forget
but here's the basis of it people like
people who are like whom themselves and
people don't like people or not like
themselves to be more specific write
this down people like people who are
like themselves or who are like how they
would like to be people like people who
are like themselves or are how they
would like to be people like people are
like themselves or how they would like
to be so question I'd like you to think
of someone you really really like a lot
and then if you would raise your hand if
this person is either like you or
they're like how you want to be if
that's true they can say I of course
that's why I like them now think of
someone you don't like I'm sure you like
everyone but if you once were a nun
spiritual person and felt these feelings
some of you don't like raise your hand
up they're not like you or they're not
like how you want to be if that's true
is your hand say I and that's the
opposite people don't like people who
are not like them or are not like how
they want to be that's the bottom line
of it so this concept Erikson noticed he
used it in the following way watch me if
you came to see dr. Erikson instead of
talking to you intellectually and trying
to get through to you he'd go right to
the jugular by getting your nervous
system connected to him getting report
so if you came to him and you said dr.
Erickson I don't know this is a waste of
time I've I've tried everything and I
don't know I think I should just go he
would do this he'd go I'm sure it looks
that way on the surface but you haven't
tried this so you haven't tried
everything and I think you should stay
the first to go
Oh something about this guy I like
you know he's not over-the-top you know
I mean he's like really real there's
just somebody in the field down home and
real to me right if you came to see me
to dr. Erickson I've tried everything's
a waste of my time
I'm out of here he say you sit out you
haven't tried everything you've not done
this before you're staying right here
okay goes hey I like this guy's got some
spunk kick ass maybe he could do
something see he became like the pee
blues communicating with and what it was
is whatever they put out he sent the
same message back like biofeedback and
he trained them to him so that when he
then told their unconscious what to do
their brain just did it that was his
power now we all do this naturally want
us some fun gone tonight to a singles
bar and watch people when they first
meet and then you can see when they're
before happens if they finally sit down
and they'll start to lean in the same
direction start nodding your head at the
same tempo and ones tapping their foot
often you'll see other one tap their
foot the volume and telling their voice
will start to mirror if they're on a
bore their outer border you'll see them
interact opposites for this nature now
if you want to be effective in mirroring
is so easy we do it naturally but here's
the problem
most people wait till they have enough
words in common then they put the voice
in common in the body in common but were
the only seven percent they don't work
all the time and by the way do we judge
people in a matter of seconds by their
style yes or no that's right right just
so you know style is more important than
substance
initially style is more important in
substance initially it sounds terrible
but it's true style is more important
than substance initially I notice I say
initially if you don't have any
substance it's not going to last but you
have lots of substance and no style and
people never hear a word you say no one
will ever going to know what you believe
I give an example how many of ever dealt
with somebody whose tone of voice alone
drove you up a wall and you couldn't
listen to anything they said they like
Dennis trill tonality how many driven
what I could say I okay so that style
gets in the way of substance now let's
give an example let's say you and I want
to mirror something we want to put
someone to feel connected to us and
we're going to do it on the phone
what are some aspects of the voice that
you could mirror that would make them
unconsciously immediately feel connected
to you what does the mask that you tell
me okay tone of voice wisely just has a
perfect one because if you're talking
like this they're talking like this and
I say well I don't know what do you
think you're not going to feel very
comfortable through time total voice is
huge if you mirror someone sort of voice
they will feel connected to you and not
even know why what else besides tone of
voice could you mirror on the phone
okay tempo what kind of person talks
with this put of complaints like I'm
talking right now we've got people
talking this particular place well in
front of the country to talk at this
pace I'm aware where welcome to country
where and new record we got one New York
could be a good example how do people
talk more like this feel about those
fast talking city slickers do they trust
them no they don't even know how to say
the word don't you
how's the fast walking person feel about
so talking for anything Mary Mary we
think Mary waiting there today Mary goes
well well what nobody's ever seen this
mismatch between two people right what
else besides speed volume loud talking
people who do they like they love loud
talking people they know you're a real
man you're a real woman - who else likes
loud talking people deaf people like
loud talking people but how - quiet
talking people feel about those loud
talking
they're obnoxious aren't they
and of course intelligent people talk
like you and I do don't they do we judge
people in a matter of seconds by their
volume by by their tone by their tempo
yes or no you better believe we do what
else could you mirror on the phone
terminology key words there's certain
words people use again and again if you
sell real estate and somebody comes in
and says I'm looking for a magnificent
home do you want to say oh I have a
fantastic place to show you know I had
this experience myself once and some
listeners know know I got a fantastic
place fantastic and magnificent maybe
the same to you but I guarantee the arm
for the other person if you mirror their
words they will feel heard they will
feel understood and they will also feel
you're a smarter thing what else besides
words tone tempo volume accent well only
if you really have that accent because
you trying to duplicate it it's not
really your accent you're gonna break
reform right what about the body
what could you mirror in the body if you
were there in person local Jumeirah
posture is very powerful they're really
upright your upright they're more
relaxed you're more relaxed
what else gestures watch this if
somebody's talking if people are funny
when they're making important points
people have idiosyncratic gestures
idiosyncratic mean gestures that are all
their own so if you're talking to Scott
he says I don't think so I think we
ought to do this and he makes this funny
little gesture when he's talking about
what he really wants to do if you turn
back and say you know that's a great
idea
can I ask you a question though what if
we do this instead you make that same
little motion with your hand and look if
you'd be like a friend
you think I'm kidding you go out tonight
at dinner and you find somebody who's on
an angle to you or in front of you don't
even look at it
just mirror them for five to ten minutes
they reach from the glass each big last
glass is empty no one's going to notice
just reach for the glass they bring it
up they bring it down break it down they
reach the fork reaching for five to ten
minutes five minutes usually ten minutes
max after you've noticed five to ten
minutes we'll have some fun reach for
your glass and watch what they do don't
reach for it like that it's called
pacing and leading so
so known as entrainment many of you know
that if you go to an old clock shop
where they have those old grandfather
clocks so they have the little pendulum
that once they wanted those pendulums
start out different and they all end up
in sync called entrainment women know
this but most men don't
so I'll just share this with you women
have the ability be like clocks with
other women when women hang out together
men
they literally end up having their
periods at the same time so that all the
men are crazy during that time it's a
true ladies yes or no if they are poor
their periods become insane
so women's periods can come and think
you could get rapport with a stranger
across the room and all you going to do
is mirror them for five or ten minutes
and make a change right and it'll make
it happen all right
how many follow so what else besides
posture could you mirror in the body
what else gestures we already said what
else facial expression most of us and
someone's telling a story and they're
like really into their story and they're
making these faces do you sit and look
at them like this
no you look back to make the same stupid
look back like what about I contact a
lot of business people and sales people
on top a total lie they've been taught
like if you're really truly going to
influence someone you must look directly
into their eyes and not break eye
contact for 45 straight minutes this way
they know you really need it there's
only one problem with that
problem is people like people who are
like whom themselves so if you got
somebody just stares in your eyes and
doesn't blink for 45 straight but it's
going to freak you out what kind of
person steers your eyes and doesn't
break eye contact aliens that's who most
humans look away right so if they look
away give them a break and look away
don't make them crazy now if you meet
somebody who like locks eyes with you
and doesn't break eye contact you lock
eyes right back
you keep monitor for 45 minutes they'll
know you're an alien too it'll build
rapport what else what else besides eye
contact facial expressions gestures
posture come on what else
breathing breathing is very powerful one
of the most powerful if you breathe it
the exact
pace is another person you will feel
what they are feeling period but you got
to be into the same location the same
tempo and breathing is magnificent
because it really hooks you to this
person company if you can think of a
time in your life when you were
breathing in the same pace as another
person and you felt really close for
some reason
anybody think of a time like that see I
used to do a lot of sexual therapy for
couples and when you help people in this
area you get to practice because people
pay anything they'll fly anywhere to get
this part of their life handled so I end
up with a six-month waiting list no
exaggeration I mean every single day
booked and people if you calling me
based on referrals because I help their
friends will be like I gotta see it got
to go see you now and I'm like I got a
six-month waiting let's go go I'll pay
for your lunch time I'll buy your dinner
look I really how about I refer you to
somebody I've trained it wants to be
much I know it's gotta be you so here's
how I would deal with it I would say
okay I will give you one of my lunches
if you take an assignment I give me but
first you got to answer some questions
honestly here's the first question when
you make love do you breathe in unison
while you're making love and apparently
the guy will go ahead can I say let me
explain you're here telling me about all
these things you're upset with each
other about and you talk about these
things too you're blue in the face but
the real problem is you don't feel
connected you don't feel well and I said
you don't have that feeling of total
oneness with each other and cannot get
more about this not going to change it
so if you really want to change this I
suggest you do this and if you do what
I'm telling you still need me I'll give
you one of my lunches sighs I want you
to do I want you go I want you to make
well for an hour and a half minimum and
while you're doing it I want you to
breathe in unison the entire time with
each other because what happens is you
feel totally connected as one out of who
knows three four dozen people I asked to
do that only one person ever called us
back and wanted to be able to do session
because the bond is there so try it not
now later this evening plus the great
thing about mirroring somebody's
breathing it's very subtle no one's
going to jump out of their chair and say
would you stop burying my breathing
they're not going to notice so you got
breathing you got posture you got
gestures you got facial expressions you
got eye contact what
could you Mira come on use your brain I
know the answer I want to see if you
come up with it come on what else could
you mirror proximity good
what does proximity mean proximity means
everybody has a certain amount of space
that they need to be comfortable it's
different for every single person you're
going to be in your life so if I come
walking up here like this and I start
walking let's say along here and I walk
up to this lady here she's comfortable
right now if I come here I'm right on
the edge of her comfort zone come on
right you can see it in her face how do
I know because the muscles are neck went
ain't basically ain't it all tighten in
she stopped breathing that's a clue now
that doesn't mean she doesn't want you
to come closer but that's the first
moment of her starting to feel impact
and I come right back to here there we
go now she's breathing again nobody
could see the difference you see it you
see all of a sudden here but she's
reading it so this is more comfort
what's the difference here versus here
how many have somebody do this when they
get this close to your face
and you just want to punch them how many
others experience and they almost always
have bad breath do don't they so in
somebody and are there people like that
to get dis smokes in your face yes or no
now if you pull back though you just
broke rapport because that's what they
need to feel good so you got to like
hang in there with those people so it's
different for every person that you need
so how do you know you just guess no you
use your sensory what acuity you have
acute sensitivity see what's the impact
on getting here's it's working oh I can
come closer or not where is it and it
can change toodles and we can have
initial reaction and they can let you
closer but you pay attention because if
you don't do this breaking rapport in
this area people will even think when
you're in their space and everybody's
got different space who here freaks out
when somebody gets too close there's
some people I'm sure in this room that
are total freak outs about this you
ma'am in the black what's your name Lisa
once come down come on give her a hand
come on give her a hand
Lisa come on down here come on down a
run down here Lisa run down here run
down here I'm down here oh it's your
face oh there we go it's the face see
she's one of body-block me did you know
that you go boom we can hit bodies
that's okay but the face watch what
happens if you get in the face so you
enjoying the seminar what's been your
favorite part not this part where you
going now notice once you get too close
to her face did you see how many saw
that instant reaction okay she Nellie
pulls back she snaps to the side because
some people most people have like a
force field who have this experience
hers is more just the face and you got
close closer to her chest or something
like that they they'll do one of things
so this kind of person backs off but
most people are more settled you get too
close here's what they do they start
kind of you'll see them as they're
talking and they're kind of wavering
back and like forth and you notice their
ass is moving them further and further
back from you right or they'll do this
they'll turn sideways because what does
that do creates a sense of space okay so
everyone's different now hers hers is
not the body and she's kind of being
playful now here with this as well but
the face normally is something for her
that's in effect now she's going
different she says okay I'm comfortable
with you give her hand thank you very
much
now there's another one that's
critically important that's touch now
you can get more reporting some people
than by anything you could ever say but
again you get have some sensory acuity
you can't go up go he looks like a
toucher hey man I love your hair love
your hair really good that's really cool
really good book you do that you could
get killed but he's a nice man sir
didn't kill me so we got to notice
there's no son of man shakes hands like
he shake hands he puts one hand top the
other genisys he reached over he just I
shook his hand immediately brings the
other hand on top like this and when he
does it some people in shake your hand
they like squeeze it see thing break a
few of your blood vessels you know just
to show they're a real man other people
they got that fish handshake and but if
they fish here you got to fish him back
yeah here we go
fish fish right because that builds
rapport but in his case it's like boom
boom I get more connection rapport with
him with that touch than anything you
could ever say thank you so notice how
does a person touch somebody like even
it's in business notice how the business
woman or man touch with their assistant
in a non-sexual way and miss notice if
they come along and he comes my honey
goes thanks a lot Tony hits me like this
three times on the shoulder I come back
and I say thank you John I'll get more
rapport by that touch than by anything
that I could say to him so touch and
proximity are huge huge now you might
say well this is interesting Tony but
what are you suggesting are you saying
something like okay they sit down I sit
down look to mirror everything someone
does that report it's not like they lift
their leg you lift your leg they lean
forward you leave or they sit back they
you sit back you don't to do that
although believe it not you can do a lot
of people not even notice but for
example you get rapport just with a leg
position at maybe the tone of voice
because the physiology 65% of
communication if you're sitting there
let's say let's say you cross your leg
like this can I cross my leg like this
while we're talking yesterday it'll feel
comfortable to you so you start bouncing
your foot like this
I bounced my fucking tempo if I do
you'll feel totally get it you're the
same temple and by the way I use for a
while and if I don't like it I can slow
it down and slow your stand that's tasty
you're leaning again but if you do this
if they cross their leg and now they go
ahead across you don't uncross the
moment they across wait to go to say
something and say you know what because
when you go to speak speaking requires a
change of physiology and then we'll ever
notice what you're doing right very
unique now it is true if you know they
leaned for it are you saying well right
they lean forward I leave more they lean
back I lean back they cross the leg I
crossed Mike they pick their nose I pick
my nose
exactly no you don't do everything and
if you start going like this when
they're mirroring you start going after
about 20 minutes ago what's wrong with
you but you'd be surprised you can
mirror people and be mirroring almost
everything they're doing and they rarely
have ever noticed it right
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