>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU, JON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME
BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY FUNNY STANDUP COMEDIAN
AND A VERY FUNNY ELDERLY STAR OF "OH, HELLO" ON BROADWAY.
PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
NICE TO SEE YA.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG TIME.
2016 WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE.
>> I DID THE SHOW THEN.
I'VE SEEN YOU SINCE THEN BUT YOU DID NOT SEE ME.
>> Stephen: WHERE WERE YOU?
AND THAT'S DEEPLY CREEPY.
>> Stephen: WHERE WERE YOU?
I WAS IN YOUR BUSHES.
THAT'S A DEEPLY CREEPY WAY TO START ANY KIND OF SENTENCE.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE SEEN ME BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU.
>> I'VE SEEN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD.
>> Stephen: THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER.
>> AND THE BACK OF YOUR WIFE'S HEAD, LET ME BE CLEAR.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD.
DO YOU RECALL THE MET GALA AT THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART?
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, THE FUNDRAISING THING THEY DO FOR
THEIR -- YEAH.
>> IT'S PROM.
YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE WERE IN THE LINE AND ME AND MY
BEAUTIFUL WIFE WERE RIGHT BEHIND YOU FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AND I
NEVER SAID HELLO.
>> Stephen: WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY HELLO?
>> I CHOKED.
>> Stephen: I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.
>> IT BECAME TOO LATE TO SAY HELLO AT A CERTAIN POINT.
I KNEW IT WAS YOU.
I WAS, LIKE, IT'S COLBERT.
MY WIFE SAID, HI.
I SAID, WHAT IF HE TURNS AND GOES, LIKE, THIS IS REAL LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I'M TOTALLY BULL
(BLEEP) YOU RIGHT NOW BY SAYING I LIKE YOU.
>> SO FRIEN FRIENDLY ON AIR.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE EGYPTIAN ROOM AT THE MET, HE
TURNS ON YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I WAS NERVOUS
BEHIND THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME BECAUSE I WAS BEHIND CLAIRE FOY
WHO PLAYS IN THE CROWN AND FELICITY JONES FROM ROGUE ONE,
THE TWO OF THEM WERE IN FRONT OF ME.
>> Stephen: DID YOU SAY HI TO THEM?
>> I SAID HI TO CLAIRE FOI BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN ON THE
COUCH HERE.
>> OH, SO YOU DO TALK TO PEOPLE OFF THE SHOW?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MET THE TOMORROW?
( LAUGHTER ) I HAD JUST BLOWN IT, TOO.
I WAS ALSO IN A STATE.
BEFORE I WALKED INTO THE EVENT, I SAID TO MY WIFE, WHO'S THE ONE
PERSON YOU WANT TO MEET?
SHE SAID KIM KARDASHIAN.
I SAID, GREAT ANSWER.
WE WERE IN THE LONG LINE AND I SAID ARTIST JEFF KOUNTZE.
I UH SAID, ANNA, IT'S JEFF KOUNTZE.
AND KIM KARDASHIAN WAS WALKING THIS WAY AND I SAID THAT, KIM
GETS SPOOKED AND KEEPS WATCHING AND MY WIFE DOUBLES OVER AND IS
LAUGHING AND SAID, YOU BLEW IT!
>> Stephen: HE SH'S LIKE A FOREST ANIMAL, YOU HAVE TO GET
LIKE IN A BLIND AND WAIT FOR HER TO COME THROUGH AT DAWN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> SHE GOT AWAY --
>> Stephen: SURE.
SHE DIDN'T FALL INTO YOUR SNARE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> THIS IS SERIAL KILLER.
SHE GOT AWAY, BUT I WON'T BE FOILED AGAIN, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: WELL, PLEASE SAY HELLO NEXT TIME.
>> I WILL SAY HELLO.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE A BUSY MAN NEXT TIME.
YOU'VE GOT SO MUCH GOING ON.
YOU'VE GOT A NEW ALBUM OUT, YOU'VE GOT A NEW TOUR, "OH,
HELLO" ON BROADWAY WHICH YOU INVITED ME TO.
THAT IS GOING TO COME OUT ON NETFLIX.
>> SOON, IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
THE ALBUM IS OUT IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A COMEDIAN, YOU PUT OUT A COMEDY ALBUM, WHY
ON VINYL?
>> WHY ON VINYL?
>> Stephen: IS IT JUST WARMER?
I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T SEEN IT BEFORE IS THAT YOU LITERALLY
HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR OWN ALBUM?
>> NO, BECAUSE WE HAVE A BUNCH OF COPIES FOR YOU BUT MY
APARTMENT IS TOO SMALL SO I SENT THEM TO MY FRIEND'S PLACE.
THIS IS TO GREAT.
>> Stephen: IT'S A MARY TYLER MOORE THING ON FRONT.
>> YEAH, WE MODELED IT AFTER JAZZ ALBUMS.
IT'S A REAL RECORD.
>> Stephen: IT'S A REAL RECORD.
>> THAT'S REALLY COOL.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT BEG GARS BANQUET INSIDE, IT'S ACTUALLY
YOUR ALBUM.
>> I'M TRYING TO GO BACKWARDS IN TERMS OF RAIL VANS -- SO
BROADWAY, VINYL, THEN I'LL SO A PUPPET SHOW AT ELLIS ISLAND.
>> Stephen: FOR THE IMMIGRANTS.
>> FOR THE IMMIGRANTS!
>> Stephen: AND THEY'RE, LIKE, AH, WE'RE GOING TO HEAD BACK TO
THE OLD COUNTRY.
>> OUR EYES ARE NOT FILLED WITH WONDER AT YOUR PUPPET SHOW AND
THEN I'LL INTRODUCE A DOGGER TYPE.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS PRONOUNCED THAT WAY.
>> IS IT DIGERA TYPE?
>> Stephen: I THINK SO.
WELL, EDIT THAT OUT, TOO, PLEASE.
>> Stephen: FOR MY MONOLOGUE.
NO, THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
>> Stephen: THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
>> THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS TALK.
>> Stephen: DO YOU USE SHOW BUSINESS TALK WITH YOUR WIFE?
MY WIFE AND I LIKE TO SAY TO EACH OTHER, IF ONE OF US IS
TRYING TO CHEER UP THE OTHER ONE, THE OTHER ONE DOESN'T WANT
TO BE CHEERED UP, WE SAY THAT'S NOT PLAYING TO THIS CAMERA.
>> THAT IS ULTRA SPECIFIC.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
DID YOUR WIFE DIRECT THE MIKE DOUGLAS SHOW OR SOMETHING?
>> Stephen: MERV.
MERV.
>> Stephen: YOU JUST WENT TO JAPAN, RIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THAT LIKE.
GOT TO GO TO JAPAN.
>> Stephen: FOR BUSINESS OR PLEASURE?
>> JUST FOR PLEASURE AND TO SEE JAPAN.
MY WIFE HAD BEEN BEFORE AND I HAD NEVER BEEN.
I LOVED IT.
I AM NOT -- I WOULD RATHER IN LIFE BE POLITE THAN DO ANYTHING.
SO, LIKE, IF YOU AND I WERE WALKING THROUGH A DOORWAY, I
WOULD GO LIKE THISSENED AND IF YOU WENT LIKE THAT, I WOULD GO
LIKE THAT, AND IF YOU WENT LIKE THAT, IT WOULD GO ON FOR AN
HOUR.
IN JAPAN, THERE'S A SENSE OF ETIQUETTE THAT SO JIBES WITH ME
WHERE, LIKE, YOU WOULD RATHER, LIKE, JUST CURL UP INTO A BALL
THAN EVER OFFEND ANYONE.
AND I'M VERY BAD AT WALKING AROUND THE STREETS AS A HUMAN
BEING -- >> Stephen: ANYWHERE OR JAPAN?
ANYWHERE, BUT I DID WELL IN JAPAN BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE EXCUSE
ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS THERE WITH MY WIFE ALL DAY
LONG WALKING AROUND BECAUSE I WANT EVERYONE TO LIKE ME.
I ONCE SAID HELLO TO BALLOONS BECAUSE THEY WERE IN MY
PERIPHERAL VISION, I AND I THOUGHT, BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY,
HI!
IT WAS BALLOONS.
SO WE WENT TO A BEST BUY -- >> Stephen: THEY STILL HAVE
THOSE.
>> THE GUY SAID, DO YOU HAVE A BEST BUY REWARDS CARD?
I SAID, NO, I WISH!
MY WIFE SAID, OH, MY GOD AND WALKED OVER TO THE PRINTERS AND
STOOD FACING AWAY FROM ME.
THE GUY SAID, DO YOU WANT A BEST BUY REWARDS CARD?
AND I SAID, NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SO WHEN YOU WERE
OVER THERE, DID YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON IN
AMERICA TO THEM?
>> THEY HAD SEEN THE NEWS.
>> Stephen: THEY HAD SEEN THE NEWS.
>> BUT THEY WERE TRYING TO FEEL US OUT.
THEY WERE, LIKE, SO, ARE YOU HAPPY WITH RECENT DEVELOPMENTS?
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WERE, LIKE, NO, WE'RE
NOT, YOU KNOW.
WE'RE NICE PEOPLE.
AND NOT THAT YOU'RE NOT NICE, YOU KNOW -- I'M GOING ON
NATIONAL TOUR -- NOT THAT YOU'RE NOT NICE --
>> Stephen: YOU JUST DON'T LIKE NICE PEOPLE.
>> WE'RE FUN AND NICE, WE LIKE DAVID BOWIE AND WE DON'T
UNDERSTAND TAXES.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
THEY SAID, ARE YOU SAD, ARE YOU SCARED?
I SAID, NO, WE'RE NOT, LIKE, SAD.
I'M AN OPTIMISTIC PERSON ABOUT IT ALL SO I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT
ALL TO THEM THAT, TO ME, IT'S LIKE THERE'S A HORSE LOOSE IN A
HOSPITAL.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE I THINK EVERYTHING'S GOING
TO BE OKAY BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.
AND, LIKE, NONE OF YOU KNOW EITHER.
LIKE, WE'VE ALL NEVER NOT KNOWN TOGETHER AND, SO, ON THE NEWS,
THEY'RE, LIKE, WE HAVE A MAN HERE WHO ONCE SAW A BIRD IN AN
AIRPORT.
WE'RE, LIKE, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, THIS IS A HORSE LOOSE IN A
HOSPITAL, AND WE'RE ALL, LIKE -- ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT GOOD.
>> Stephen: THERE ARE WORSE THINGS.
BUT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS.
>> YES, BUT IT'S CONFUSING.
>> Stephen: YES.
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE JUST HAVE TO FOLLOW THE HORSE, AND
SOME DAYS IT'S, LIKE, THE HORSE USED THE ELEVATOR.
YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHERE YOU'RE, LIKE, IS THE HORSE
SMART?
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN WE'RE ALL JUST, LIKE,
WHY HASN'T THE HORSE CATCHER CAUGHT THE HORSE?
AND THE HORSE IS, LIKE, I HAVE FIRED THE HORSE CATCHER.
AND YOU'RE LIKE -- ( APPLAUSE )
THAT SHOULDN'T BE A THING!
>> Stephen: IS THIS CALLED THE COMEBACK KID?
>> THE COMEBACK KID.
>> Stephen: JOHN MULANEY, THE ALBUM IS THE COMEBACK KID, "OH,
HELLO" ON BROADWAY COMES OUT NEXT TUESDAY ON NETFLIX.
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