Greetings! This is Red Hypocrite's show
We are looking for absurd and nonsense where they are, and where, according to common opinion, they can't exist
Holy shit, how pathetic is this? The most idiotic words I have ever heard. And trust me, I have seen lots of idiots in my li...
ATTENTION! THIS VIDEO CONTAINS LARGE NUMBER OF SPOILERS, TONS OF PATHOS, FINE IRONY AND INTELLIGENT HUMOR. 'CHIDREN', PREGNANT WOMEN, FANBOYS AND OTHER PERSONAS WITH FINE AND TENDER SOUL STRUCTURE, WE SHALL REMIND, THAT POINT OF VIEW EXPRESSED HERE, APPEARS TO BE AN OPINION OF 'RED CYNIC', AND INTENTIONALLY BROUGHT TO THE STATE OF OVERHYPED ENTERTAINING FORM
Yes-yes boys and girls, this is me – the one and only Joker!
Why me? To tell the truth, I have no idea
It were simply some bastards driving by in the morning, who gave me these stupid clothes, pined a Soviet Flag to my back and offered to make a film review
With me!
They promised to reduce my sentence by the entire ten years
In case if I'm first let out from the nuthouse of course
But I thought, why not?
Couse the main problem of this place is an unbearable dark unrestrained BO-RE-DOM!
Besides, one of two hundred of such reviews and I'll retire as an honest man!
And so, ladies and gentlemen, the "Suicide Squad"!
What, you need me to say the year?! OMG, how boring! 2016!
The film starts with a barbate black con
The guy is in a great physical form
apparently thanks to instant noodles without hot water
and he's beating the shit out of a self-made punching bag
Okay, I'll just pretend to believe that it's a wrapped matrass
But the cables, by means of which he could, pardon me, hang himself – who the hell let him keep those in the cell?
You know what? I demand an immediate transfer!
Maybe there I'll get something, which I was asking you, insensible lubber-heads, for so long!
My clown's kit! After all how bad can be a whistle pipe and a buttonhole flower?
Floyd! Step to the door!
Stop-stop-stop. Floyd?
Floyd Lawton?
What was it?
Ping-pong? Pen-dot? Cum-shot?
Ah, Deadshot!
It can't be! Since when is Deadshot black?
This must be a different Floyd! Pink Floyd! Nope, doesn't work either
This way we can come to pink unicorns. And what sane person can come up with pink unicorns?
Holy fuck! You crazy sick fucking bastards!
Floyd Lawton. Also known as Deadshot
So recolored he is!
Listen, you said that I am here too. So, in case if I am black too, let's kinda wrap it up right now
The movie is shit, I get minus ten years and we all go home
My home is Mayhem street 13, Gotham city
Call me a taxi! I've got no money, but I think the driver is not gonna need it anyway!
No? It's always like this!
Ok, back to Blackshot, who's asking silly questions and trolling the guards
despite the fact that he's been serving for more than one day
Cause there's no other way to demonstrate how bold he is, so just enjoy the results!
Whoa! Is that Harley?
A moronic tattoo on the face, a bit smaller pompons, the bruises have healed and no scorches or scars
And still it seems that's her.
Sure that's her! I wonder, why would they treat her like this?
You've sent five of my men to the hospital
What a naughty girl!
But that's not Guantanamo, is it?
Even in Blackgate or Arkham we were never treated like that
What? Dark governmental machinations? Kinda Guantanamo? On US soil?
You mean to say, it's possible to torture the cons at home too?
Then why would you need secret abroad prisons at all?
Take Al Hasan to somewhere in Alabama and keep torturing until the perforator breaks down!
<i>Warcraft (2016)</i> By the way! Somebody seems to have watched the Warcraft DVD to tatters
Cause a cage for a half-dressed woman in the middle of an empty room is exactly what you need in prison!
Harley recreates herself the same way as Bro-shot – by means of tender masochism
Did you notice how they try to whitewash us in the film?
Like it's not that we are bad. It's the bad people who make us bad!
And I've been saying that for years that I wasn't responsible for that explosion of the bus with old people, it was Batman!
Now, who is next?
No one!
Instead of one more suicider we are presented with Amanda Waller, who is behind the "Suicide Squad".
But first, it is of course necessary to cry a little about
the death of Superman? Did he die?
I won't be sorry – I never liked that kid in a faggy tights!
And what did the crafty auntie come up with?
She decided to gather the International from freaks, mutants and other bullies and make them serve the good guys now!
It's clear as day that this fine low company of bright criminal individuals is perfect for constructive labor!
We had some luck with the Superman, we shared our values. It could be different with the new Superman.
Hello! Who is she going to throw in battle against the next creature that can't be even killed by a nuke?
<i>Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Part 2 (2013)</i> Hello! Who is she going to throw in battle against the next creature that can't be even killed by a nuke?
A sharpshooter? A crazy bint with a bat?
Who wrote the plot? Mad Hatter?
By the way, there is something I know about the real X Force
Our precious governors use them when they need to do something shady
No, not a dinosaur genocide on some islands – only Haley could come up with a nut-case like that
but killing somebody, blowing up something or stealing
And if the suicider is caught, well, how do they say, there is nothing we could possibly have in common with a criminal convicted to death in five states!
In short, nothing new, folks
And then at an expensive mealtime in an elite barrelhouse we see a more detailed introduction of the main characters
and that is done, fuck me gently, in the same sequence!
First comes Deadshot
Rather this should have been Deadshot, but since he is played by Will Smith, we see Will Smith in the role of Will Smith!
By the way, feel the marasmus
They claim that Deadshot is apparently the most wanted hitman in the world!
However, even pigs know the very best one is Deathstroke
But you know what… Don't tell this to Lawton, he would rage the shit out of himself!
And then it is as good as circus
At the last moment Dead starts to whine that he didn't get the money yet, and the one who hired him mutters
I never pay in advance!
Hey motherfuckers! Didn't you forget who you're talking about?
He is the most wanted hitman in the world
You just try to welsh or be rude to someone like that!
Real Deadshot would never humble with the last minute calls, and only a condemned man would joke at him like that.
But no, Dead starts wheel and deal and then carelessly hits the target
Boldness as it is, yeah!
However this thug has a soft-spot – his little daughter
In theory, if there were anything human left in Deadshot, we would stay away from the child
For example, in order to keep her away from the idea to follow his footsteps, or to prevent somebody to use her in order to get to him
But this is too boring!
Therefore day-time daddy kills people and evenings he baby-sits his daughter and dreams… you know of what?
That she could live with him!
A great motivation!
If suddenly some insulted enemies of Dead would decide to blow up his house when he's inside, it would be just the right place for his daughter to be
But you haven't heard the main thing yet!
It turns out that despite his multi-million earnings, Deadshot can't get his girl… legally!
Cause he is such a die-hard fan of law!
And also this nice guy openly lies the one loves to bits
-You kill people! -I don't! That's a lie!
So to say, one more flourish to the portrait of such a cute person
Mammy is nuts too by the way
who would let her daughter to go for a walk with a hitman dressed up like a pimp
In short, after another wander round the shops, Batman lands Deadshot
And here Dead reveals himself to the fullest!
He is ready to kill the synonym of the world's justice right in front of his daughter's eyes
You'd better make up your mind!
Either you are a bastard with murderous instincts, or after all you are a father, trying to teach your child something right
Of course I'm no doctor, but the former and the latter together… smells like schizophrenia to me
However the clown in the black joggers is good too
I'm not saying I feel too good about Batsy, but even I get it, that it's not him
Attacking a father with a child right before the eyes of the child
and, moreover, using the baby as shield and leverage
is something true Batman is just… incapable of
Moreover, he would beat the shit out of someone who is capable of that
Which is me!
Then there is a flashback about Harley Queen
like she was a psychiatrist and went cuckoo herself after treatment interviews with
Me!
Holy Mother of God, what kind of a fuck-face is that?
Is that what idiots think the Joker of the future looks like?
All covered with tattoos and nacreous toothpaste with a pie-hole full of iron teeth?
He's what, cosplaying the Jaws from James Bond?
<i>Moonraker (1979)</i>
No, I did lose my teeth
<i>Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)</i> Thanks to the bloodsucker in latex tights
<i>Batman: Assault on Arkham (2014)</i> But somehow I managed to find means and ways to repair my dazzling smile
<i>Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)</i>
After all, what kind of a clown there can be without teeth?
And this freak has a mouthful of metal junk, he can't even speak comprehensibly
As if he has stones stuffed into his mouth, right?
In short I'll be referring to him as "this Joker" or "kinda Joker" or just "filthy nasty disgusting Imposter"!
Or maybe I won't!
Ok, let's get back to the hurt-head cutie.
One would think, what can one single doctor do in a nut-box full of particularly twisted psychos?
It turns out to be a lot!
For example, stealthily guide an entire clearing group in moronic costumes.
Probably carried them in her purse!
And then they try to tell the viewers what an psychopathic psycho I am.
I offer my woman all by myself to a man, who shovels in the money for me and when he says no… kill him.
What an absurd, bullshit, mess is that! I don't need any reason at all to kill somebody!
Because what is that all about? It's all about fun!
But the very idea that I in my sober mind and distracted consciousness can offer anybody else something that is rightly mine. Mine!
That makes me feel like breaking someone's neck!
Just for fun, you know!
Whatever, after a sequence of stupid actions, where I first love Harley, then for some reason I don't, she ends up in the hands of Gotham bat too
Then we meet the rest of the suiciders
A wholesale so to say!
Captain Boomerang, El Diablo – no, not this one, and Killer Croc
A robber, a gangster-pyromaniac and a cannibal-mutant
And this nice company of wankers and perverts is supplied by the Witch, or rather Enchantress
Where did she come from?
Well once upon a time some bleached blond top model
I mean an archeologist
went alone into the South American jungle
and made it to some pyramid unharmed – already a sorceress, isn't she?
and then fell to the its bottom so fortunately and found a statuette
What do the real archeologists do when they find any kind of artefact?
That's right! They break it to pieces! Historical research is just like this!
<i>Archeologist of 80-th level</i> That's right! They break it to pieces! Historical research is just like this!
This way very much to the point the ghost of some mega-meta-heifer is released and it takes the new body
The funniest thing is that despite the life experience of six thousand years the super-mega-goddess didn't figure out to take something which can control her!
A needle in the egg!
Ok, a heart in a sample jar, which Amanda Waller's people found in no time!
Ok-ok, there was no jar. But there was a case with a bomb!
Would you ask, how did Amanda make it work so easily? I don't know!
Maybe because the screenwriter was a halfwit preschooler?
All in all these are the mmm… people comprising the team X.
And more so, Amanda has no doubts that she'll make this gang of hoodlums make whatever she wants.
How? Couse she has a super-tool for loyalty enforcement!
We will assign the best spec ops officer to look after them
Sure, you bet!
Kiss me, finally!
Is this milksop really your best commando?
Then you're in trouble, you've been had!
Notably, the very idea of Amanda to couple him with the Witch and thus to subdue her also smells like cretinism!
Who knows what might cross the mind of a man in love?
What if the Enchantress makes him set her free?
By the way, I have met the real Enchantress and Flag
They are not the people who would let someone to control them.
<i>Justice League Unlimited (2004)</i> One can only persuade them.
<i>Justice League Unlimited (2004)</i> Therefore they are absolutely voluntary in the X team
<i>Justice League Unlimited (2004)</i> One supposedly has been promised something, the other one… a natural twisted patriot working for the sake of idea!
Such nice people!
Next we move to Pentagon where Amanda tries to convince the generals of the relevance of the X force
Enchantress demonstrates such skills, which would make Flash writhe in hysterics!
In just two seconds she steals classified documents in Tehran and comes back!
Hm… And why don't you steal your heart which is two meters away?
If it takes you two seconds to make more than twenty thousand kilometers
how much would you need for a couple of steps?
And don't tell me about the activating device in the case!
A creature capable of moving through walls with a speed of 11 Mio km per second would be near Jupiter by the time of explosion!
But no, instead of nailing everybody in this building to the walls, Enchantress just behaves capriciously and her archeologist-carrier is close to hysterics!
<i>How the hell did I get in this stupid film?!</i> But no, instead of nailing everybody in this building to the walls, Enchantress just behaves capriciously and her archeologist-carrier is close to hysterics!
In short Amanda is given a free hand and we move to the runway.
Where are they?
And really, where? There are three options:
around the corner, on Bahamas or… in their cells!
You seem to be smart!
Where these cons could possibly be?
The negotiations start not-so-great
However it was clear all the way that no one had sufficient incentive to meet the needs of Amanda
except Deadshot
He still thinks that his daughter would be better off with her killer-daddy
That's why the Dumb-shot is taken to the shooting range where we meet him the entire third time.
What do we do with a famous murderer who, according to him, never misses?
That's right! We give hime a whole arsenal of guns with live ammunition!
And how many life sentences Dead already has? Fifteen? Sixteen?
Moreover, Croc beats the shit out of the guards and gets away with it!
Is that the new one?
So wtf of a difference does it make anyway?
If he shoots me - kill him
Oh yeah, sure
Come on, pull the trigger!
I buy it! That's why she's come here!
And then we see a real miracle!
Floyd starts to fire from different barrels with the widest range of characteristics and always hits the same spot!
<i>Batman: Assault on Arkham (2014)</i> No, of course he's bold!
But for fuck sake, be real, will you? He's a sharp-shooter, not a bullet whisperer!
Otherwise, why would he take an aim at all? Shoot it in the sky, the bullets will hit the aim themselves!
How many lines should you do to fiction something like that?
In short, after an exhibition performance Deadshot declares his wishes.
Then she'll go to a college, like Harward
What for a circus is that? The most wanted killer in the world
Double the amount, if you're such an asshole
is short of money to pay his daughter's education himself?
Anyway, Amanda realizes that
Psychos and cutthroats
As if she didn't know that beforehand!
However, to the very reasonable propositions of Flag
You need soldiers, not this scum
she responds with some bullshit
This is WW3
Cause it is still unclear who they are going to fight, why and what for!
I mean at all!
As well as the fucking reason she needs these negotiations at all, if Waller has initially decided to force them to obedience.
And next there is a kinda Joker crying from heartache!
Cause I just can't live without Harley, I love her so much!
Like this!
<i>Batman: Assault on Arkham (2014)</i>
And this!
<i>Batman: The Animated Series (1992)</i>
And like this!
<i>Batman: The Animated Series (1992)</i>
And this!
<i>Batman: The Animated Series (1992)</i>
And even like this
<i>Batman: The Animated Series (1992)</i>
And that's the way she loves me!
<i>Batman: The Animated Series (1992)</i> You filthy nasty rat
Well, you get the idea, yeah?
But this clown is of course devastated by his feelings like a lewdness gyp!
And meanwhile he's trying to co-opt the prison governor, Enchantress finally recalls that she has skills and does witchcraft right in front of the colonel's eyes
Although, ideally she could wait while he turns away
and in two seconds make a second trip to Tehran, then in Bangladesh, then in Tijuana, and also party at Ibiza and taste a duck in Beijing between this and that
But stealth is so boring!
That's why she had to bother the colonel, mess with his head and then take a little journey – to the black woman's apartment
One would think, she is sleeping and the case is right here – grab and run
somewhere to the Moon!
But no, this epileptic, apparently, suffers from masochism and loves to be tortured!
At least there is no other way to explain that insanity!
However a search in Amanda's apartment revealed the same statuette as the one the Enchantress was sealed in
What a lucky coincidence
Now all it takes is to break the statuette and release one more giga-mega-meta-human into the world of people
I wonder, if they are so powerful and all, who has sealed them in the statues?
Naturally there's not even a word about that
Who could possibly care who has fucked the boldest meta-creatures that hard?
Besides, if you even touch this subject, the already inconsistent plot just won't hold water
Because then you'll have to tell that besides these two stoned thugs there are lots of other wizards and enchanters in the world
<i>Justice League Dark (2017)</i> Because then you'll have to tell that besides these two stoned thugs there are lots of other wizards and enchanters in the world
<i>Justice League Dark (2017)</i> And I bet they'd be in their league to put the Enchantress and her brother to heels
Yes-yes, after a couple of idiotic episodes Enchantress finally unites with her relative and gets ready to bring the world down to its knees!
Notice the screams of the pathetic people
- Our weapons are useless! - I thought it was under control!
That's true, the ugly something cruft together in 3-D Max by Indian programmers makes a real mess
Out-of-ass mega rays easily pass through stone and steel but somehow only throw back the humans!
One would think, it's just the right time for the superheroes to show-up
So, where is Superman?
Ok, he's dropped dead
Then where is the Black Mop?
Wonder-Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Shazam, Martian Manhunter and an entire zoo of other super-monkeys?
<i>Justice League Dark (2017)</i> Where are the magicians and wizards?
Zatanna, Doctor Fate, Constantine, Etrigan, Manitou Raven and the rest of beast show of the magic monkeys?
None!
The stupid people keep getting their asses kicked!
And why is all that? Of course to make the need for X Force to show up
This way the crazy screenwriters send the X-team to handle the problems created by X-team
But for starters there will be a little more idiotism
Cause even after the thirty fifth
Is that the new one?
The naïve guards are not aware of the capabilities of their cons
Because where it would be sufficient to use a dart with something sedative or gas from the ceiling, we once again witness a stupid circus
Next is a little vaccine in a form of bomb and it's time to go!
Hold on. First the secret director of the secret prison secretly passes Harley a cell phone from kinda Joker – and yes, in plain view of the soldiers
and then secretly shouts in their backs!
That's all because this is a very clever movie
Further there is a sad briefing from a sad colonel
You'll go to a very bad place and die in the line of duty
A fucking hero! A guy like him won't motivate the children to buy some ice-cream
In short team-x dresses up in idiotic clothes and receives instructions
to save an important person and stuff like that
And here suddenly out of nowhere one more team member shows up
Katana with … katana
My backup
No back story, no background, nothing!
She just shows up and that's it! Why particularly she?
Why not a Tuna-Man or a Green Hook?
Naturally there will be no answer!
And while they fly to their mission, Harley in broad daylight chats with kinda Joker
Of course everybody sees that, except the ones who should nip such things in the bud
Get it? With the sword! Ah!
-Bombs, bad guys with AKs -It's a terrorist attack
Of course there is a real mess in the city, however only the dumbest idiot will believe that this is a terrorist attack!
But no, the colonel stands his ground filling the room with his stinking superiority complex
When the shooting starts, and it does, you'll hit the road!
Suddenly somebody takes the helicopter under machinegun fire and it falls
To be specific it slap-bangs the ground and turns around several times
Do you think the film is over? No, it's not!
Nobody who was inside even got a black eye!
Sorry, dear audience but we didn't figure out another way to make the characters walk through the whole city!
Captain Scumbag, pardon, Boomerang promptly finds the most stupid teammate, who didn't even deserve a couple of minutes of background, and jacks him up to escape!
Like there are no bombs and we should run
Moreover "should run" doesn't mean waiting for a good chance, it means knock a couple of soldiers out right in the middle of the crowd and quite naturally get in trouble
A good plan, Captain Kangaroo!
And don't you tell me that in fact he's very smart and it was just a test!
He didn't get his head shot off only thanks to the idiotic screen-write!
So it's no wonder that further there are dialogues at the level of pre-school for imbeciles!
The colonel once again demonstrates what he believes to be boldness, sadly threatening everybody one hundredth time and Will Smith once again demonstrates… Will Smith!
Are you threatening me?
Flag's authority is so high, that after a disciplinary speech the thugs completely lose their conscience and openly discuss the possibility to kill the soldiers and get the fuck out of there
Moreover, the soldiers don't seem to give a sheet about these talks, neither does the colonel himself
Unfortunately the plans of destroying the militaries stay only plans because there is an unknown crap looking like the Alien's puke
But don't open your mouth too wide
Instead of Aliens we have bubbling shit-men, plus we have them from both sides
Flag, retreat
What should one do after such an order? You got it!
Keep standing and staring at the monsters waiting till they see you!
Anyway, they soldiers are distracted and the stupid low company immediately decides to utilize this moment
Naturally no one has even an idea that if they start a turmoil now, they would also be in hot water with the bubbling pukes
No one except Deadly Ashot
But all he does is indecisively mumbles something
yes, hm, don't rush
Luckily for everyone, the patience of the shit-men expires and they attack the people like locust.
And at this very moment the film loses its face for good
Because it is getting clear that the shit-men with bubbles were introduced only for a reason to shoot a little.
They are like cheap bots from a crappy video-game. They show up from nowhere, from thin air.
Unlike even the worst-quality cinema villains they have no motivation.
No reason to hang around there. For fuck sake, they don't even have brains!
They attack the soldiers as if they were blind stupid wild amphetamine-abusing rabbits!
Take a look at just one jerk with a STOP sign!
Yet the knucklehead soldiers are simply worthless.
Solid fire from all the barrels is just incapable of stopping the bubbling pukes
No match for Harley with a pistol and a baseball batt!
In short the bit players of the x-force finally get their chance to show that they were given their roles for a reason
With little effect, however
because the fight is stopped by the one who already makes everyone want to vomit
Bloody Sprat
The funniest thing is that he couldn't stop the shit-men with the back-up of elite soldiers for some reason, but alone – that's an absolutely different story
Twenty seconds and all the bastards are dead!
By the way, the elite army spec ops are truly idiots
The report said it were terrorists
Yes-yes these strange thunders in the sky are a dirty atomic bomb and the Alien's pukes – ISIS terrorists!
And who is more stupid – the soldiers or their commander
- Is he a human? - He used to be. If I said, would you believe me?
who has intentionally concealed the information which could save their lives – it's up to you
Next the low company starts on march
Why don't you walk behind these idiots to quell their fads in time?!
After another dose of fish stories for fourteen year old school girls we see a skyscraper of our interest
Ahot who has the stealth perk of 80-th level crashes into the building!
I'd get if Harley would do so, but not you, Dead! Hello!
However, my hot fangirl gets herself something to do
Hey you, "the boldest spec ops"!
I thought you had a remote control, or did you suddenly lose it?
Then some shit-demons again. Boring!
Lighter-Man tricks. Boring!
Harley's sniveling! AAAHHH! Double boring!
Oh! Our character finally made it to the person they had to save!
And that is ATTENTION! Amanda!
Wonderful! Gather an X-force, make it organize a global catastrophe and then send them to save you!
Perfect plot! Perfect plan! The world's best special agent!
And shouldn't, maybe, the President order Flag to shoot this stupid bitch?
Solely for the sake of freedom and democracy?
But no, instead Amanda herself shoots the FBI agents who were with her!
They should not have known anything
What is that they shouldn't have known?
Who's let them somewhere they shouldn't be?
And if this tough stuff is okay for you, then how come Amanda didn't shoot the entire staff of FBI CIA and NSA altogether?
You don't have high class specialists growing on trees in this fantasy world, do you?
And don't you tell me about the dark schemes!
Secret. Organizations. Don't. Work. Like this.
Specially selected people work there voluntarily and for an idea!
Cause it's the only way to do the job right!
And only an imbecile would waste such valuable assets!
The authors probably wanted to demonstrate Amanda's boldness and willingness to take any measure,
but in fact she ends up to be a wacko oligophrenic who makes everyone want to vomit!
And what does our kinda soldier say about this execution?
I don't judge you
You are a bigger hypocrite than all the degenerates of this film all together
Including myself!
Your fellow citizens have been shot for like nothing and you didn't even scratch your ass
Isn't it good to be a fundamental patriot!
I like her!
Of course you do! She is the same type of toad as you are!
But our characters are already on the roof
Yeah, you get it right
a team of incredibly bold professionals only had to walk Amanda from her office to the rooftop and put her on the helicopter!
What a wonderful plot!
But there is the problem – the helicopter is taken by kinda Joker
How did he do it? Stormed a military base on his own?
Or performed an epic hi-jack? He must have had wings, probably
And while his men pump the lead into the roof, x-team is hiding from the machinegun fire in the safest possible place – behind the tin ventilation chimney!
However, this mess continues right till the moment when Harley's bomb is de-activated
Her bomb is de-activated!
Shoot her, fucktards, will you! Here is she, right in front of you – you have the weapon in your hands!
But no, the stupid bitch starts to cry on Cum-shot's shoulder
We have a deal
In return you get freedom and your daughter
What would the real Deadshot do?
He would kill Harley without a second thought
After all, who is that crazy woman he knows for a couple of hours for him
There was nothing like that! <i>Batman: Assault on Arkham (2014)</i>
But our Willie, of course, is very kind
and thus he nods dutifully and misses on purpose!
I missed her
However the black woman doesn't give up and this time orders him to hit the helicopter
After that the third helicopter comes and takes Amanda!
So if you have so many helicopters, why the fuck didn't you get out of there one day ago?
But anyway it's too early to celebrate.
Cause there is a dumbass operating your helicopter
Instead of getting higher he flies so close to the ground that our old pal from the subway gets a grip on the machine.
Her helicopter is down
The logic goes the way that she deserved this
but Flag reorganizes the X-team into Maria Theresa team and rushes to rescue
Hey, boys! I'm back!
Of course by the time the low company makes it to the helicopter Amanda is already gone.
Instead Dada-shot finds the profile of Enchantress and finally makes the colonel explain the mess happening around.
It turns out that before everything went nuts they wanted to blow the meta-human with a hand-bomb!
Millions of rockets, thermobaric missiles, drones etc etc etc all have naturally vanished!
That's why just face-to-face, just hardcore
Sure we have seen how that scarecrow has smashed a couple of helicopters and cars but do you really think that all the military power wouldn't be sufficient to destroy that douchebag?
Jeez if the White House figured out that the country's survival is at stake in just two minutes this place would turn into radioactive ashes!
And no voodoo skills would help!
Tell me how to destroy your armies!
And the stupid hag pretends to be bold.
Do what you do, bitch
If she really was ready to take any measure, she would have killed herself a long time ago!
By eating cyanide candy for example.
But nope, in just five seconds the brain-suckers already download the information how to fuck the whole world!
Meanwhile the deadly Screenshot finally does something right
he goes for a drink
The other thugs follow him all together without giving a crap about the bold colonel.
Even Katana for some reason, who …
However if you thought that this company would behave more adequately without the militaries, you were wrong
The supervillains start bellyache to one another! That one has killed, the other one hasn't, how should the Lighter move on and thing like this.
In other words – a total shame
Speaking of which
We've been missing you
How does our brave warrior start?
Did you read as far as it says I slept with her?
Yep
Ashot is a talent!
In a couple thousand pages long found he instantly found the most interesting part!
In short instead of clearly setting the priorities and empty the bag of everything he knows about this threat to the humanity he starts to grumble and mumble
If I don't stop the Enchantress, everything is gone
What is gone? Your sexual life?
Or did you finally decide to kill yourself?
Oh! The world is gone!
I'd never guess!
And it's all very-very-very serious and… boring!
So what's the right thing to do?
That's right! Break the thug-controlling device and pull out a pack of letter to Deadshot from his daughter
The mega-killer is outraged
And you kept them all the time?
Hello, motherfucker!
The colonel is not and never was responsible for that
And after all it is a modern movie!
So a white man can only be a bastard or a milk-toast, the clever and decisive ones are only the women and sometimes black men!
That's why one of them gives a snivel speech and agrees to help Flag.
The other freaks and mutants suddenly start and follow them even Captain Super-Stack
That's right – what kind of gang banger maniac sociopath doesn't dream to die for the sake of common good.
Besides they've been drinking together for entire five minutes which makes them brothers for good!
Especially Harleen Quinzel
I'm going with you
And since all the world's Superheroes are shit-faced drunk
and Pentagon is struck by the second wave of mental retardation
the Enchantress and her brother keep rampaging with impunity.
By the way, did I tell you that their real names were Succubus and Incubus and their father was demon Asmodeus?
No?
If I said, would you believe me?
In the film however they were turned into some kind of kinda Gods who were worshiped by either Aztecs or Maya!
One way or another, the stupid bitch who was responsible for this monster circus has already leaked them all the information
That's why the model-actress is doing exactly what she was selected for on this role
moving her ass to the music!
And here our brave troublemakers team show up!
The plan is as follows – find the bomb in the subway and blow up the bogeyman number two,
and the Butt-twister can even be handled by Harley!
But the problem is that Enchantress has already found her heart and therefore notices the thugs still on their way and shows them a movie.
I know what you want!
Yes-yes the Black-Omelet most of all wishes to kill Batman rather than to be with his daughter!
Unfortunately the scene where Captain Kangaroo is dreaming with his pink unicorn was deleted!
However, after such of a hell the wishes of the rest of the team would be too ugly-pale!
<i>You say unicorns</i> However, after such of a hell the wishes of the rest of the team would be too ugly-pale!
Enchantress fails with the Lighter guy, who is conducting an emergency psychoanalytic therapy.
That is lie
So who is the head shrinker in this team now? Harley or that tattooed to the max career criminal?
You are evil
Oh yeah! Look who's talking!
Mother Theresa or the most wanted hitman in the world?
Anyway the crown of idiocy is taken by the Lighter
- I have already lost one family, I don't want to lose one more - Stop and think this over
Some interesting comparison – his wife and children to the low-company he knows for less than a day!
In short after a while a fight begins.
The computer dummy, who cut through stones as if it was play dough before, now can only throw the jerks aside
And finally there is the most epic scene of the film where the lead role belongs to our pyromaniac with an Indian God of Fire appearance.
Unfortunately he is running out of fuel and getting weaker.
And so to say family is just staring how he's being choked, without even trying to shoot.
That's what I call family!
But he has won some time and the heroic American soldier blows up the bomb and himself!
Not a very significant explosion tears the meta-human apart!
Did you howl at this moment too? That computer dummy could've been handled by an ordinary spec ops team!
A real cincher is ready
So it is now only the Butt-Twister to deal with
who is destroying the secret military centers of the country!
Good job Amanda! The most smart, prudent and reliable defense of the nation!
She built herself a glass house, gave the stones to a bitch, and then told that bitch, get it?, all the state secrets!
By the way! What was that moronic thunder in the sky before?
Just for the sake of visual effects?
What a great movie!
Next the Enchantress for some reason turns back into her previous appearance and… pretends to be fighting with X-force
Didn't you forget her speed?
She would jokingly killed every one of them in a split second, not just knock down!
There'd be no fight because the screenwriters have done everything to make it end before it even starts!
But even this didn't seem enough for them and they also give the Enchantress a weapon!
Do you still think that I am crazy? Look at those who have plotted this bullshit!
<i>Scary movie 2 (2001)</i>
That's enough!
Okay, I can't watch this ugliness anymore! Let's puke and go to the closing part!
The Enchantress is so impressed by the talents of the thugs that she is calling them to join her.
Why? Who knows!
Looks like the extra talented screenwriters didn't figure out another way to provide Harley with opportunity to fly and cut out the heart of the trustful Butt-Twister
Had she an ability to move in Tehran and back in two seconds – then harlequin lady would fail for sure!
But Enchantress can't do anything like that!
That's why it is very-very logical!
Let's vomit once again!
And then it takes to throw a bomb in the center of unknown thing and
You didn't forget how fast Enchantress is even without her heart, did you?
Forget it!
Cause instead of intercepting the bomb on the fly and kill everybody she starts to whine to Pee-shot in the appearance of his daughter everyone is already sick from
And while the bomb flies the mega-killer has enough time to scream, close his eyes and listen to a crazy bullshit with a calm face.
can't even vomit anymore!
In short, the colonel destroys Enchantress's heart, she dies but the carrier is alright!
<i>How the hell did I get in this stupid film?!</i> In short, the colonel destroys Enchantress's heart, she dies but the carrier is alright!
You must have missed the snivels by now, right?
And how about Amanda?
Despite all the tentacles in her head she is more alive than ever and cheats everyone again!
And one would think that for all she's done she should be in the next cell to Deadshot!
But nope!
It looks like she's not even downgraded!
What a wonderful movie!
By the way, what does Bruce Wayne has to do with this?
Close the project
He can't be…
Nooo
And how about our heroes?
They are serving their sentences again!
Captain Platypus gets his nose broken and a female guard in male cell-block
Croc gets cable TV
and Ashot gets meetings with his daughter.
You shoot a man in the street?
Geometry on example of killing people – how nice is that!
Dad of the year, no doubt.
He has all the chances to find himself next cell to his daughter in ten years.
Harley is released by
SUMMARY
It. Was. Awful! Terrible! Disgusting! Unbearable!
I can't breathe! I feel bad! I'm dying!
Everything here is disgusting!
Disgusting goodies, disgusting villains!
Total miscast for Deadshot, colonel and…
Joker
They only one okay character is Harley
until she is hit by her memories
The rest of the suiciders seem to be picked as extras
And who gives a shit that all in all they played well
Except Katana
A wallpaper she was, a wallpaper she is!
And the whole plot is holding on these characters
Cause if you take them away there will be nothing left in the film
Utterly moronic plot contradicts itself in thousand instances and just doesn't hold water
The patient of a nut hospital is hallucinating problems which don't exist
and therefore she finds the most dreadful thugs on the planet so they would make… some real troubles of a global scale
It is as if they would give me a bomb and say – go Joker, protect the people!
And that is all for today! Your host for today was me, Joker!
Be happy! Laugh! While you still can!
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See other reviews: Avatar, Star Wars 7, Hitman, The Martian
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Host: Red Cynic
Screenwriting: Red Cynic, Chertoznai With Oleg Kulov
Directed by: Red Cynic
Editing and images by: Chertoznai, Red Cynic
Materials used: Films and Videos:
Suicide Squad (2016)
Batman: The Animated Series (1992) Batman: Assault on Arkham (2014) Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993) Justice League Unlimited (2004) Justice League Dark (2017) Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Part 2 (2013) Warcraft (2016) Moonraker (1979) Scary Movie 2 (2001)
Video Games:
Music:
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