I don't even know how to start I don't even know how to start fucking okay
movie opens BAM day 89 you see the all of the fucking
cities all of the places where's my whiskey
Wait, I'm gonna grab my whiskey. The cities are overrun. Shit fucking plants are growing.
Tt's only been 89 days. Everything's fucked
And there's-- everyone's barefoot, first the fuck of all, everyone is barefoot
which, listen, I know you got to be quiet but there's socks. Like there's even
socks with the grippy things on the bottom so you don't slip. Anyways we're in a fucking pharmacy.
There's children. They're fucking running abok. Abok? Amok.
Now here's the thing: we don't learn their names the whole time but in the
credits they have names but I don't remember what they are so I'm gonna call
them Jim and Not Pam because that's the only way I know how to do this.
So there's Jim there's not Pam and there's three kids. Oldest kid's deaf.
The girl's deaf. That's how you fucking survive-- everyone speaks ASL. So like the majority
of the movie is in subtitles and it's in ASL and let me tell you right now what I
think about that and what I think about that is yes! They hired a real deaf girl to
play it they had a fucking ASL translator fuckin everybody in this
fuckin movie learned sign language that's dope as hell. So fucking Not Pam
is going up and she's real gentle-like going through the prescription medicines
that all belong to a bunch of dead people who did not live to take their
medication, and she's gotta be real careful cuz of the fucking rattle, the little jingle
jangle of the pills but we fucking need antibiotics because kid number two is...
looks like he's dying. Then there's a little baby child and he's all like
"we're gonna get away with a rocket, the rockets are gonna save us." And the
teenage daughter's like "don't be a fucking idiot," but she's real cool cuz
that's her baby brother and she's trying to be strong.
Enter Jim. Boy is he hot. Good golly. Fucking... Listen. This is a universe where like, Pam
chose Roy and both of them fucking died and Jim got extra hot. That's just where
we are right now.
They get the pills, they gave it to the kid,
Jim walks in outside can't stress how hot he looks, fuckin...
Fucking little baby kid who wants the rocket, he finds a rocket toy, and Jim's like
"Fuck to the no. That shit is loud."
These kids understand that there are literal monsters running about that hunt on sound.
Like they're fuckin tippy-tappy toe-in' all over,
everybody's in in their bare feet???
The dad's like, "Hell no," puts it down,
takes the batteries out, first of all, cuz it's like a loud rocket toy.
They start walking out. Fuckin eldest daughter thinks she's cool,
tryin to take care of baby brothers in this post-apocalyptic time, and she takes
the rocket and she gives it to baby brother, and she's like... and then this
idiot child cuz he's like five is like fuck it I'm gonna take the batteries.
Bad idea .
And so we're all walking along, we're crossing a bridge, here's the thing:
They're walking in single file. Jim's fuckin leading the pack Un-Pam is
somewhere in there, and then the kids are scattered throughout, but the youngest
child is all the way in the back.
The first rule of single-file is a protector
in the front and a protector in the back. No.
Let's stick the baby at the back of the line.
This stupid idiot, knowing that there are monsters who hunt on sound to
the point where he can't even talk and he can't even wear shoes like a goddamn
civilization, puts the batteries in this stupid rocket.
All of a sudden, "Pew pew pew!"
sounds everywhere! No shit.
Everyone fucking turns around, holy shit, fucking
nobody can scream because the monsters are gonna can get them so not Pam it's
just like my child is gonna die and Jim is like I'm the fucking hero father I
gotta go for it and he runs.
Fuckin deaf girl doesn't know what's going on because she can't hear it.
She just sees everyone else be real freaked out,
and then she's real freaked out.
And so Jim goes running, and literally fucking right before
Jim can reach his little baby youngest son,
BAM! Giant scary monster just snatches him right the fuck up eats, him right there.
We never see him again. That's it.
Boom! Fast forward, day four hundred and something.
It's been over a year and a... hundred... days?
the daughter wakes up.
I'm gonna make up a name for her because it's getting exhausting.
I'm gonna name her Jessica.
And he's gonna be Bo...? No.
His name's gonna be... h-- Reginald.
Okay, so Jessica and Reginald.
We're in a farm, shielded from these monsters in a rustic farm,
rustic barn house farmhouse straight out of a
shabby-chic pinterest board. They are fucking in their peasant skirts,
and the corn fields, living off the fat of the land.
Why are the women only wearing peasant skirts when trousers are surely available to them?
We will never know.
Ayways, they're fucking eating the crops, they're fucking, you're like,
are they just vegans now?
nah man they're fishing, they're eating fish.
I'm gonna say two things. A this is smart, B this is stupid.
Let me tell you why. So you see them fucking
eat dinner, and they've got some fish,
and they can't use plates because their plates are fucking loud, so what are they
serving this shit on? Leaves. what kind of leaves?
Kale leaves.
Kale.
Why is it stupid? Because they've literally got a whole fucking corn field full of
corn silk and corn husks.
The corn husks are bountiful. You have to grow the kale separate.
Kale's a thing you can eat.
Whatever. They have a silo.
Remember how 400 days ago the youngest fucking child of Jim and Un-Pam dies?
Bitch is pregnant. She's pregnant again.
Now, I've got questions.
First of all, they were literally just in a pharmacy.
Like a year ago they were in a pharmacy. They were getting antibiotics for this child.
Like if I was Jim Kras-- Jim? Jim? Fuck.
John Krasis... fuck.
John Krasinski and Emily Blunt,
I'd be fucking all the time too, are you kidding me? So I understand.
What I don't understand is, I didn't know that if your child dies,
you have to make a new one.
I didn't know that you have to make a replacement child.
It's my understanding that if you can steal somebody else's antibiotics, or whatever
the fuck from a defunct pharmacy,
you can also take literally all of the condoms that they have.
She could have picked up some birth control,
she could have picked up some Plan B, they're in a pharmacy.
I don't know, plot point I guess.
Cuz you know what about babies? They're loud, and they don't care what kind of
monster is coming after you. They're gonna cry fuckin cry cuz they're babies.
So, but this bitch is fuckin, so, so pregnant.
They're fuckin, Jim's lighting a fire on top of the silo,
and then you look in the mountains and other people are lighting fires
on top of their silos so, there's other people hanging out,
and somehow they all have this fucking system of lighting fires on
top of their grain silos.
And they have these beautiful strings of light bulbs
around the fucking house, and they're so pretty.
Now here's my fucking question, is, because they've got, they still use like
candles and shit even though they have some electricity.
Like they've got enough electricity to fucking power an entire thing in the
basement of, like, fucking monitors and cameras, looking all over the farm see if
we can see a fucking monster, if a kid goes missing. You've got a soldering iron
for this cochlear implant. apparently they could pick up like 50
extra cochlear implants and not a single condom, or, like, learn how to pull out so,
I don't know. But here's my question is where is the electricity coming from?
Because if most people are dead and everyone who is alive is just lighting
fires on top of silos in remote barns, who is making the electricity?
Fucking someone's got to be in that power plant, right?
Making the fucking shit or whatever.
I'm not sure how it works cuz I'm not an electrician.
I'm not a fucking engineer.
I'm not a fucking...
Benjamin Franklin.
Where are they getting power?
So fuckin, she's having a baby, and then fucking... the... he's trying to fix the
daughter's implant and she's like, "It never works, it never works!" and she's
clearly fed up, and he's just trying so hard he's trying to be a good dad.
She's like, "stop it it doesn't work."
Not Pam is homeschooling the children because she's a good mom, too.
And then Jim's like, "Alright, we gotta-- we gotta go, it's time to go."
He's taking the remaining son with him to learn how to fish like the olden days.
And the daughter's like, "I want to go," and the dad's like, "No you're wearing a skirt,"
or some-- fff-- I don't know, but the son's like, "I'm literally like 11, I'm so
fucking scared, I don't want to do this," and the dad's like,
"you got to learn how to take care of your mom, and that stuff."
And fucking, what did we call her? Jessica.
Jessica is real fucking pissed that her dad won't take her,
and that she has to stay her mom, so she's like,
"Fuck it, I'm going anyway," which is, like, dangerous.
If there's a monster that feeds off of sound,
and you can't hear what sound you're making, like, you know,
bring a buddy. Bring a fucking buddy.
But she goes off, and she goes to her dead baby brother's fucking little cross that they
left for him on this bridge. So sad. Okay, so fucking Jim and the kid are fucking
walking, they're going to fish they're hanging out by waterfalls,
and the kid is-- who's full of wisdom-- is like, "You know she blames herself," and he's like, and
Jim's like, "Oh it's not even her fault," and he's.. the... fucking Reginald's like,
"Do you still love her?" and he's like, "Of course. Like it's literally my daughter."
And little Reginald is like, "You should tell her." Like, whoa. Reginald.
Fucking throwing down the wisdom. Bravo.
On their way home what do they see?Some old woman.
She's been ate up by the sound monster.
Fuck.
And who is standing next to the wom-- the corpse of this ate up woman?
Her husband, who is still alive, and they just have a fucking stare off. And Jim's like...
and the husband's like...
Because he's real sad cuz his fucking wife got ate up,
and the kid is like, "You told me this wasn't gonna be dangerous. It clearly is."
Because you know what this fucking guy's gonna do.
And Jim's like, he's showing it with his eyes. He's like,
"Please fucking don't. Just please fucking don't do it, like, literally my son is here."
And the way that he shows this apart from his eyes is by going
And what does this fucking old piece of shit do?
He screams really really loud!
And so Jim and Reginald have to run cuz the monster comes,
and he fucking snatches up that widower. And Jim and Reginald are hiding,
and Reginald, poor sweet young Reginald is so afraid.
In the meantime, this is... it... shit got real
in... at the home of Jim and Un-Pam.
In the classic style of not making more than one trip, pregnant Not Pam is doing
she's doing laundry in the basement,
she's got a whole bunch of shit to fucking carry, fucking carrying a bag,
and what happens? It gets caught on a nail on the stair.
So she fucking just kind of sees what is and she unhooks it, and goes.
BAM! Chekhov's gun. What do we see?
A nail sticking straight out of the fucking floorboard on the step.
This nail is coming back to fuck us.
She gets up and, oh no, her water broke,
even though she wasn't due for another, like, two weeks cuz they have a wall calendar.
Fucking, she's not supposed to have this baby right now, but oh no.
This baby's arriving. Okay?
And they set up a whole thing where they've got like a soundproof little basement thing,
they put a mattress on top, they really fucking papered up the walls,
like, they thought about this and like,
the creepy cool thing is that they made like this box, like a crib,
with all this padding inside, and it has a lid,
so it's basically a baby box and they can cover the lid so it's soundproof.
And they've got a little oxygen tank with oxygen mask for the baby.
So they're like, "We can't keep this baby from screaming,
but we can literally lock it in a box with an oxygen tank." Fine.
She's running down to the basement. What does she step on?
Let me tell you right now. She steps on that nail with her foot.
That nail goes straight through her fucking foot.
And she can't scream, but she does drop a frame or something she was holding?
Something's glass. She fucking drops it, and then she has to run to this thing.
They've got a pretty cool system set up. They hit a switch,
and those beautiful string lights that we thought were just decoration before?
Boom! They turn red so we know shit's going down in the house.
And that's right when fucking Jim and Reginald are coming back.
And they're like, "Oh shit." And they don't know that Jessica's gone.
She's about to poop that baby out, okay? And she's got a hole in her foot.
And this is when we get the first, like, super close-up
of these monsters, and let me tell you what.
They're scary but this is what they look like.
Big ol' mouth, fucking zillion rows of sharp, pointy teeth, so many fucking teeth.
And fucking, their face heads... they're blind, but they look like
the Demogorgan from Stranger Things how it opens up like that,
but instead of opening up like a cute flower with teeth inside it's like
a bunch of little pieces.
Almost like if you've ever had pull apart bread?
You know when you make that bread and you score it so it's cubes with cheese,
and it pulls apart but instead of pulling apart with bread and cheese, it's just weird flesh?
and you get like a close-up of the fucking fucking ear and it's just like,
it's such a strong ear! It can hear everything!
Jim and Reginald get split up because Reginald goes to fucking
launch the fireworks so that the monster's distracted.
And she's fucking hiding from the monster. She goes into the bathtub.
Fucking, the monster doesn't find her. Jim comes upstairs, and just sees
blood everywhere, and there's this moment where he's like,
"Well, my wife died." And then, ah!
A fucking bloody handprint against the shower door.
She's alive! There's a baby! What an intimate moment.
So they go down, they lock the baby in the baby box with the oxygen,
And she's like, "Where's Jessica and Reginald?"
And he's like, "I'm gonna find them." And so he fucking leaves her.
And somehow this ding-dong, when he covers the fucking trapdoor thing
with the mattress, doesn't notice the, like, massive amounts of water
gushing into the house. So like, holy shit.
This basement she's in-- it's gonna flood.
Kids find each other and they're like, "Let's go to the top of this fuckin grain silo, light this fire, he'll find us."
Fire burns out. He doesn't find them. They're like, "Shit."
Fucking Jessica's convinced he's never coming for them,
because she's got her issues and Reginald's like, "he's totally coming for us."
And then the fucking... a fucking hatch on the top of the silo breaks. Huge sound.
Reginald falls in. He's basically quick-sanding into this
fucking giant silo of corn. Fucking Jessica goes down after him.
The monster comes. He's fucking trying to eat them.
And fucking, all of a sudden, Jessica's fucking ear coch-- she put on...
she put on the fucking implant that her dad fixed for her. She fucking put it on.
And it wasn't working, but just all of sudden, like, crazy noise.
And it's hurting fucking her a lot, but then it's also hurting the monster,
And he fucks off. He fucks right off. Fucking tears a hole right through the silo,
fucks off into the distance, And they fucking... fucking find Jim.
The kids run into this old car, and the monster's trying to attack them.
And Jim doesn't know what to do. He's trying to fight this monster.
He can't do it. So he's just like...
In a heartbreaking moment, he signs to the daughter. He's like,
"I love you. I have always loved you." And it's just... and she's like,
"Fuck. I know what he's about to do." And he just yells really loud.
And then the monster goes and fucking eats Jim and it's super sad.
It's super fucking sad.
Fucking Not Pam's ass, she somehow fucking makes it out of that water basement,
probably when Jim screams, and she makes it into the regular basement.
And the fucking kids come, and it's so scary cuz fucking,
the son is holding the baby and... and fucking... they're like,
"How do we get rid of this fuckin monster?"
And the whole time Jim, in this fucking basement, has been trying to figure out
How do we kill them? What are their weaknesses? And has been trying to radio a whole bunch of other countries.
And the monster comes. It's just Not Pam. It's Jessica. It's Reginald
with the young fuckin replacement baby.
These monsters are coming, and Jessica's fuckin ear is freaking out.
And she lets it continue to freak out, and the monster, like, weakens.
And then fucking Not Pam shoots the monster.
And previously these monsters were thought indestructible,
but apparently you fuck with their ears enough, you can shoot them.
Fucking good thing we figured this out right after Jim died, right?
Ugh, he was SO hot. Just so fucking hot.
Now all the other monsters are running here. There's like several of them.
We see 'em in the monitors. They're fucking running.
Jessica takes off her implant. She's like, "I know what to fucking do."
And she holds it against this speakerphone thing,
so it's just like "eeee," really loud all over the fucking place.
And you see the monsters are coming, and you wanna know how this fucking movie ends?
This movie ends brilliantly. They figured out what's going on.
The monsters are coming. They're getting weakened, and fucking
Jessica and Not Pam just look at each other,
and not Pam fucking cocks the rifle. Blackout.
And that's it. And that's fucking... that's A Quiet Place.
And I think the moral of the story is, when there's an apocalypse, like,
you really got to pick and choose what you're gonna bring along with you.
Um... don't bring the kids. You're gonna have to sacrifice the kids.
That's dead weight. That's literal dead weight,
because either those kids are gonna die, or you're gonna die trying to save them.
You know what happens to kids in the apocalypse without parents?
They die, too. So just... you lost one.
Fucking... move on and...
and use a condom.
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