Sega has a history of excellence that spans back to the 8-bit era, but for every Sonic
the Hedgehog & Streets of Rage, there are a number of infamous titles that stained the
Nintendo rival's reputation.
Are these supposed stinkers as bad as the critics claim?
Let's find out as Innocent Until Proven Guilty brings a few of the worst Sega games
ever made to trial!
Released in 1994 from a collaboration by Sega & Artech Studios, Crystal's Pony Tale is
one of the biggest oddities in the vast Genesis library.
The plot involves an evil witch's kidnapping scheme that we have to thwart by assuming
the role of the titular character & rescuing her fellow ponies.
The ensuing adventure is a simple scavenger hunt targeted towards the younger female demographic
that's broken down into three interconnected elements for completing the quest.
The horseshoes are the first & most common, functioning as a currency for crossing the
gates into new sections.
The keys unlock chests that contain additional supplies of the aforementioned item & serve
as the primary means of acquiring the final piece of the puzzle...the gems.
The gems are the rarest & trickiest ingredient of Crystal's collectathon, as they're
the ultimate tool for freeing our captured companions.
There are seven gems strategically scattered around each location & they're guarded by
a bevy of barriers from birds to spiders & beyond.
These enemies act as a roadblock by removing horseshoes from our inventory, resulting in
a potential failed mission objective & level restart, so it's of the utmost importance
that we successfully defend against their attacks by unleashing a counter barrage of
hooved fury, which is accomplished by pressing either A or B. The hit detection for these
rear kicks can be a bit wonky, but that's offset by it literally being impossible to
die no matter how poorly you play, so all it takes is a willingness to stick it out
until all of the gems are obtained, & doing so will display our beautiful trophies in
the brackets at the bottom of the screen.
These brackets are later transformed upon coming into contact with a series of structures
over the course of Crystal's journey.
Pressing A or B in front of these while selecting the corresponding gem will result in our furred
friends being freed, but the evil witch will make an appearance & interfere with the festivities
whenever we get closer to reaching the goal.
In keeping with the child-oriented nature of this Artech title, the showdown with the
witch is more of a nuisance than a challenge, & the only penalty for receiving damage is
the loss of a few keys & horseshoes, so just spam the action buttons until she's defeated
& then cross the rainbow bridge to partake in the joyous conclusion celebration.
Crystal's Pony Tale is a bit of a departure from the typical suspects brought to the IUPG
court since it really doesn't have any significant flaws.
There are some control issues, the frame rate is far from consistent, & the difficulty is
laughable even on Hard, but this was developed with the purpose of being a gateway for young
female gamers, & in that regards, Crystal's Pony Tale really isn't bad.
If we were to judge Artech's creation against the Capcom & Konami masterpieces, it would
be a miserable failure, but it's competently constructed in comparison to the Barney & Fisher
Price competition, so in that context & that context alone, I feel it's totally fair
to rule that the verdict is...
Innocent!
Before anyone flames me in the comments, I'm not saying that Crystal's Pony Tale is great,
nor am I saying it's better than the titles that have been deemed guilty in the past.
All my verdict signifies is that Artech devised something that is decent by kid's standards.
You know...the Sesame Streets & Elmos.
This actually feels like a game next to those & it has a surprisingly stellar presentation
that sets it a notch above the rest.
I can't go as far as giving it a recommendation since it's super short & a very superficial
experience overall, but there are much worse things to spend your money on, especially
if you enjoy digging into the obscure oddities in the beloved console libraries of our youth.
The pixelated adaptation of the Sylvester Stallone film franchise pummeled its way onto
the Master System in 1987.
Rocky takes the player through the chronological events of the saga, with the Italian Stallion
climbing up the circuits to square off against his three biggest rivals.
The training segments that precede the bouts provide a sense of realism as they're used
for building strength in preparation for the intense fights to follow.
The types of training exercises vary from one fight to the next, but since the Master
System is limited to a two button control scheme, the strategy for dealing with them
remains largely unchanged...mash 2 as fast as you can to reach the qualifying number of punches.
The repeated button mashing becomes a workout in its own right & it's certain to hurt
after a while, but it's absolutely essential for having any sort of fighting chance with
these iconic brutal bastards.
The first up on the docket is Apollo Creed & we're given a chance to rewrite history
from the original movie by delivering a bombastic beating to knock his lights out.
Creed puts up a good show, but he's quickly eliminated by...you guessed it...mashing 2
until he's down for the count.
Upon Creed's defeat & the second assault on our digits, Clubber Lang takes to the ring
& things start to get more serious.
Lang's punches pack more of a wallop than Creed's and I frequently found myself on
the floor where I had to mash the buttons at a rapid pace to rise up & continue to get
destroyed by Mr. T's fictional alter-ego, but I eventually rebounded & unleashed a string
of devastating body blows by mashing 2 while holding Down on the D-pad to finally put Lang in his place.
The last training segment is much trickier than the rest, and I performed quite poorly
on initial inspection.
Mickey holds up a pair of hand mitts & we have to keep hitting them as he changes their positions.
The basic mashing method remains the same, but I later figured out that Left & Right
on the D-pad determines which hand makes contact & I was soon able to over qualify for the
match with Ivan Drago.
In stark contrast to the previous heavyweights, Drago's punches are equivalent to a WMD
& I got my ass handed to me quicker than the brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Try as I might, I just couldn't overpower the blonde brute, so I single-handedly doomed
western civilization to die a miserable death by Soviet Russia.
Nevertheless, Rocky for the Sega Master System has a lot of redeemable traits that make it
worth checking out.
The graphics are impressive by 8-bit standards, the music nicely compliments the action, and
the designers did a great job of respecting the source material.
Punch-Out fans are certain to be disappointed, since the gameplay shares more in common with
Track & Field, but I personally enjoyed my time with it in spite of the constant hand trauma &
I'd rank this as one of the most underrated licensed titles, which is why I rule that the verdict is...
Innocent!
Rocky may not be a perfect adaptation & there are plenty of boxing games that put it to
shame, but it's undeniably one of the better Stallone tie-ins & its quality is above average for the era.
However, at a length of only three matches, it's probably not worth it for casual collectors,
but anyone who considers themselves to be a die-hard Sega or Stallone enthusiast should
definitely add a copy to your shelf.
CrazyBus is a 2004 Venezuelan tech demo that will haunt your dreams.
It was apparently produced as a means of testing the creator's tools of the trade & it's
risen from those modest origins to become the stuff that Creepypastas are made of.
There are a number of words that can be used to describe CrazyBus.
Nightmare is one & colossal mindf**k is another, but one thing's for sure...anyone who decides
to embark on this virtual trip is in store for the bumpiest ride of their life.
Upon loading the ROM, a series of DOS-like prompts will appear before the title screen pops up.
The title screen is where nightmare turns out to be the most apt descriptor as it's
accompanied by a piece of music, if you can call it that, which is...well…just give it a listen.
I don't know what the hell that is, but I can tell you that my opinion of it is divided.
There's a part of me, namely my brain, that's shattered into a million pieces at trying
to comprehend how this came into existence, but the other half is strangely attracted to it.
This isn't music...it's chaos...chaos that's simultaneously beautiful & disgusting.
The tones are so unnerving & my skin is crawling at the mere thought of it, but I can't help
but marvel at its sheer randomness.
If I were a horror director, I'd be sure to use this in one of my flicks as it would
disturb everyone in the audience & that is the highest compliment I can pay this discordant ditty.
The notorious title screen theme is like nails on a chalkboard, cranked to eleven through
four stacks of Marshall amps, but the rest of the experience is only mildly eccentric.
We get to choose from one out of five buses in order to partake in said excursion, with
Spanish text listing the differing technical specs, & once a selection is made, the menu
transitions to the mean streets of Venezuela, where we discover that the supposedly wacky
journey is ultimately rather pedestrian.
The controls & goal are simple…hold left or right to reverse or go forward & that's it.
There's a mileage meter at the bottom that will increase or decrease depending on which
direction we travel & we can hold A to brake…for some reason, but there's only one infinitely
repeating screen & the buses themselves are radically different from how they're depicted on the menu.
This...is...madness.
It boggles my mind to even attempt to imagine how this came into being.
If the developer was being completely genuine in their intentions, than they should be institutionalized
since their mental stability is clearly off the rails, but if this is all just one massive
prank committed by a troll the likes of which the Internet has never seen before, then I'd
have to salute them for punking us all in such a unique manner.
As the probability of the latter being the case is slim to none, I'm going to have
to base the outcome of this trial on the assumption that CrazyBus was created by an individual
with a relatively stable degree of sanity & they somehow came up with this chaotic mess.
To put it another way, anonymous programmer, you're going to get the help that you need
in prison because CrazyBus is guilty beyond the shadow of a doubt.
I'll admit that I admire the CrazyBus creator for coming up with an idea so…crazy, & I'd
go as far as calling that dissonant tune a guilty pleasure, but neither that or its unreleased
free download status excuses the fact that this has assaulted the senses of countless
gamers across the globe, so it must pay for its horrendous crimes.
CrazyBus is one wild ride that will drive anyone who dares to take the trip to madness,
so I'd strongly suggest staying far away from this freak of nature to preserve your sanity.
Alf was one of the most beloved sitcom stars of the 1980's, so it's no surprise that
there was a video game tie-in based on the show of the same name for the Sega Master System.
The wet behind the ears PC programmer Nexa was placed in the unenviable position of translating
the popular property into a console adventure, and their subsequent absence speaks volumes
for the impact it made on their careers.
In spite of their perceived failure, Nexa successfully captured the vibe of the series
& mirrored the main story thread of the stranded alien's attempts to repair his ship & return
to his friends in space.
This is accomplished by gathering all of the required pieces scattered around the Earthly
environment, which sounds simple enough in theory but the reality is sure to test the
patience of even the most hardcore challenge junkies.
Alf's grand voyage begins at the exterior of his adopted home.
His scooter is docked on the roof, and climbing up the ladder to board it reveals that it's out of gas.
The fuel pellet is found in the cave adjacent to the basement, but there are a few mandatory
boxes to check off the list before it can be retrieved.
Step one...enter the house & snatch the cat on the island.
The cat can hilariously be sold at the nearby store in exchange for a single buck, but the
feline's intended purpose is to chase off the rodent in the basement so that we may
traverse into the dank dark bat-filled terrain.
The bats are one of Alf's biggest obstructions & I was initially clueless as to how I was
supposed to get by them without suffering a string of one-hit deaths, but I later discovered
that there's a weapon to wipe out this winged menace & it's obtained in the refrigerator of all places.
In my haste to flee the mysterious suited figures in the kitchen, I walked past the
cold storage container of the ticket to my survival a.k.a. a stick of salami.
As with the majority of Alf's action commands, the salami stick is swung by pressing 2 & get
ready to exercise that digit as much as you can since the hit box for the attacks are extremely tight.
The bats always move in the same zig-zag pattern, but the consistency in which they appear is
highly erratic, so it's best to just take it slow & mash 2 to keep them at bay until
the shack with the gold nugget is reached.
The gold nugget burns the metaphorical hole in the Alfer's pocket, & the only remedy
is a trip to the local plaza to purchase the key.
There are two businesses in town that Alf has to make transactions with & they're
both accessed on the same stretch of land by exiting the back door of the house or making
a right on the start screen.
This shopping expedition is far from a casual stroll as there are mad motorists clogging
up the roads & creepy stalkers lining the sidewalks.
The stores become a frequent haunt of the Alfster in his quest to hang out with his
compadres, so be prepared to get a true test of your dodging & weaving skills to avoid
becoming a furry pancake.
Anyway, the key is somehow necessary to open a door in Alf's own house to fetch the swimsuit.
The swimsuit allows the comical protagonist to jump into the body of water just off the
living room where he'll find some buried treasure.
The underwater segment is a hassle & a half & it's filled to the brim with fish & harpooning
divers waiting to turn the titular alien into their catch of the day.
If you manage to survive this aquatic assault, there's an oyster at the bottom with a bountiful
pearl in its possession.
Snatch it when its mouth is open & either die or return to the surface for another shopping trip.
Buy the lantern from the Five & Dime and sell the pearl, then pick up the ladder from the General Store.
Go back to the basement with the new toys and then
carefully proceed to the next shack for the fuel pellet.
With that completed, it's time to blow this Popsicle stand & travel to Mars for the reunion
with Skip & Rhonda.
Hold 1 to accelerate while being mindful of the passing planes & make a temporary layover
at the outpost to acquire the spacesuit.
From here on out, there is only one more hurdle to overcome, but it's a doozy.
Alf's upwards trajectory is impeded by falling asteroids & UFOs that will wreak havoc on
our limited life meter, but I persevered & finished the domesticated alien's journey, receiving
an inadequate blink & you'll miss it end screen as thanks for my efforts.
It should be perfectly clear by now that Alf for the Master System is complicated to its core.
There's very little in the way of guidance, the frustrating difficulty is exaggerated
by flawed controls & the presentation is mediocre in comparison to similar entries from the era.
Anyone who's played this despised offender will know that Alf sets a record for awfulness
in audio design in that there isn't a single sound effect to be heard from start to finish.
I've brought a lot of broken messes into this court room, but I can't think of one
that failed to include sound effects.
Even Action 52, the mother of all NES catastrophes, has sound effects, so that's some pretty
damning evidence against this licensed abomination.
With that said, though, there are a number of reasons why the presentation turned out so poor.
The small novice team working behind the scenes allegedly had a meager budget & a tight deadline
to contend with.
This would explain all of the development errors & it shows that they did the best that
they could given the stressful situation they were up against.
There are a lot of clever concepts that are executed somewhat well, and it does a pretty
good job of capturing the humorous tone of the source material.
Master System Alf has some serious issues, that's undeniable, and I can fully understand
why it's earned such a negative reputation, but in fulfilling my duty as the judge, jury
& potential executioner of this illustrious court, I have to factor in all of the evidence
that's presented to me & that last little nugget of trivia has weighed heavily on my conscience.
If this had been the output of Nexa's tinkering under ideal circumstances, then I would gladly
drop my hammer on it with the full force of the law, but these rookies overcame adversities
that few of their peers have had to face & I applaud them for producing a finalized cartridge
that isn't an entirely derailed train-wreck, which is why I rule that the verdict is...
Innocent!
Call me crazy, but I had to go with my gut instinct & it told me to give Nexa a reprieve.
That of course doesn't mean this is a hidden gem & you definitely shouldn't go out of
your way to try this out, especially since the prices for a physical copy have risen
sky high in recent years, but all in all, Alf is far from the worst game I've featured on this series.
The presentation may be primitive, but the music is of a respectable quality & I particularly
dig that cave tune.
The scavenger hunt aspect can get tedious, but I appreciated the variety & how ridiculous it can get.
For better or worse, Alf is an experience like no other & most players are going to
want to stay as far away from it as possible, but those with quirky tastes will find plenty
to sink their teeth into & I'd suggest seeking out the ROM if you're even slightly curious.
It's too weird not to miss.
Dark Castle...it's name strikes fear deep into the hearts of Genesis owners
and with good reason.
This loathsome port from Artech Studios mixes puzzle platforming elements with a strong
Gothic vibe to create a formula that sounds promising on paper, but the execution is problematic
to say the very least.
The intro screen is accompanied by an excellent chiptune rendition of a classical Bach piece
that sets an appropriately spooky mood that segues into the Great Hall hub menu.
The Great Hall contains four sections to choose from, each offering their own pitfalls & obstacles
to overcome.
Our shaggy haired hero is armed with a supply of rocks that are dispatched with the C button
& pressing Up or Down on the D-pad adjusts the arc of his shot.
As mentioned previously, Dark Castle is a puzzle platformer with the emphasis placed
heavily on the latter genre, meaning that there are plenty of deft-defying acrobatics
to perform.
Unfortunately, the earth-toned avatar we step into the virtual shoes of is a pathetic excuse
for a sidescrolling star who gets dizzy at the drop of a hat & is about as nimble as
an elephant in ballet slippers, so expect to die over & over again from attempting to
leap onto ledges & climb up ropes.
Over the course of my capture session, I was able to explore the majority of the treacherous
dungeons, thanks in large part to the stage select feature in the Great Hall, & I encountered
an infinitely re-spawning horde of creatures ranging from rodentia of all shapes & sizes
to masked maniacs & whatever the hell these are.
My tolerance for bad games helped me to cope with this annoying onslaught for awhile, but
even I inevitably cracked under the pressure of this putrid port & not even the hidden
cheat menu was enough to get me to re-commit to this devilish atrocity.
I know I usually keep a neutral tone in these analyses & I give 100% of my being to defending
even the worst of offenders, but Dark Castle crosses into a whole new level of rancidness
that's completely beyond redemption.
The presentation is sub-par by the standards of the era with bland, underwhelming visuals,
clunky controls, a soundtrack comprised of one looping song & programming
that's amateur at best.
I have absolutely no idea how they messed up a simple port job so bad & I'm further
astonished by the fact that this crew would later go on to bring us Crystal's Pony Tale.
Say what you will about that game, but this makes it look like a masterpiece in comparison
& I'd rather be forced to play CrazyBus for the rest of eternity in a locked rubber
room than spend another second with this dreadful waste of plastic, so it's with great pleasure
that I rule that Dark Castle is guilty of all charges.
Artech Studios may have redeemed themselves in the wake of this disaster & they surprisingly
continued to work in the field into the 21st century, but that doesn't let them off the
hook for their crimes against the gaming community & I sentence them with the strictest possible
punishment, which I'll enact in a future episode.
In the meantime, please make sure that you never, EVER play this port of Dark Castle.
Take my word for how truly terrible it is & save yourself from the torture.
You'll thank me when you do.
Anyway, that about wraps things up on this epic length IUPG extravaganza.
This is of course just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the stinkers in the Sega
catalog & I can promise right now that there will be a sequel & similar console related
videos at some point in the future, but for now, I need to slow down the pace with a basic
Cygnus Destroyer review.
Be sure to come back for that & leave any suggestions for potential trials in the comments
below, but until then, court is now adjourned!
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