KQ: Hello, everybody.
Um, this is only like my second time Instagram live-ing, BUT, I am doin' it 'cause
I'm here with Granny PottyMouth.
WOOOOOOOO.
[guitar music in background]
KQ: Do you guys have questions for Granny PottyMouth?
Any questions?
GPM: Granny, when are you cooking? What am I cooking in my next video?
Well, that's none of your fucking business until I figure it out.
KQ: My new MTV show, it's called ADD TV, MTV2, Friday nights, 11:30.
GPM: For fucking real?
KQ: Yeah.
GPM: MTV?
KQ: MTV2, it's like the dirty step-daughter of MTV.
GPM: But still.
That means you're like super awesome.
KQ: Thank you.
I don't know about that.
We'll see.
I'm the token white girl on an all black show.
GPM: Better than not being on it at all.
KQ: I feel good about it.
John.
NO!
No dirty comments, okay?
This is . . . Granny isn't sexy dirty.
He says, "Granny needs to spank Kate."
Listen.
That's not how we roll.
GPM: And, corporal punishment is not the thing any more.
You don't spare the rod and spoil the child. Not any more.
KQ: Do you believe in spanking kids, though?
'cause, I think that sometimes they do need to get spanked.
GPM: Fuck Yeah.
Sometimes a whuuup right up side that diaper butt.
KQ: Right?
I'm so single right now.
Maybe that's something we could do, is I could take you out to a bar and you could wing-woman
me.
GPM: No, we don't pick up dates in a bar.
KQ: Why not?
GPM: No no no dear.
Listen.
First you have to come up with a set of qualifications.
Who do you wanna be with?
KQ: Someone with abs.
GPM: sigh KQ: I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
They have to be funny.
I want funny, smart, loyal, abs.
GPM and KQ: [giggles] KQ: is that bad?
GPM: Funny, smart, loyal that's good.
KQ: They have to have a job.
GPM: kind.
KQ: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
kind goes without saying.
They have to be really nice.
GPM: It can't go without saying.
KQ: But, not in bed.
I don't like kind in bed.
Just kind out of the bed, though.
GPM: That's your thing with them.
I don't - I don't need to get - I don't need to get in on that.
KQ: Oh, c'mon, Granny.
Don't pretend you like super kind in bed.
No woman likes all kind in bed.
[Giggles at GPM's reaction.]
OH, yeah, that's a great idea.
I should get Granny to do "in a bikini."
You guys are geniuses.
You guys are geniuses!
Granny, that's brilliant.
That can be step 3 of our plan to be a family.
GPM: Listen to me.
Listen to me very carefully, everybody. KQ: Yes.
Nobody wants to see Granny in a bikini.
KQ: WRONG!
Wrong.
I found websites for it.
GPM: No.
It's like the people of Wal-Mart and the people of Big Lots who wear too little clothes for
too much body that they have?
No.
Big Fucking N-O!
KQ: What about a one-piece?
We'll put you in a good one-piece.
GPM: Well, sure, I'll do a one-piece but not a fucking bikini.
KQ: Okay, no fucking bikinis.
No bikinis.
I'll do a one-piece that day, too.
We can do a one-piece together.
GPM: Oh, we'll be twinsies.
KQ: I have "granny panties" I could wear, even.
GPM: Granny panties?
KQ: Yeah, do you have any?
Maybe I could borrow a pair.
GPM: Oh, they'd be 3 times too big for you, dear.
KQ: That's okay.
That'd be kinda funny, you know what I mean?
GPM: They'd be bloomers. [giggles]
We could stuff 'em with Depends.
And you'd have a big fat ass.
KQ: That'd be great!
I've always wanted to have a big fat ass.
See?
You're teaching me things already.
Guys, isn't she the best?
She is a savage.
What is your ultimate goal in life?
Good question.
Granny?
GPM: Well, my ultimate goal?
This is really really really serious people.
I just want everybody to be nice to each other.
This is a really really difficult time for our country and for our society and for our
world.
And, fuck, it starts with each one of us.
KQ: She's right.
GPM: You came over here and you were nice to me. KQ: Thank you.
GPM: That's all that matters.
We're nice to each other.
KQ: Yeah, my ultimate goal in life is to live on the beach.
GPM: Yeah, that's not a bad goal, but um . . . KQ: I mean, everyone being nice to each other
would be also awesome.
GPM: Look at that stupid question!
KQ: What's the naughtiest woman . . . GPM: Yeah, I want her to sit on my face.
I'll sit on your face, fucker, and shut your damn mouth!
That's rude.
That is not being nice to each other.
That is being very very rude.
KQ: Granny, would you date a guy who has no job?
If you were single?
GPM: You don't know why someone doesn't have a job.
KQ: Yeah, but shouldn't they have A job if they want to date you, like anything?
Like, I have a job.
Anything?
I'm not taking care of no man!
GPM: I understand that perfectly.
If he can take care of himself, it doesn't matter how he does it.
KQ: Yeah, you know.
That's true.
Do you know I went to a museum, a sex museum, in San Francisco?
And they had a wind-up vibrator from like the 1800s.
They used to use it to cure women of, like, insanity.
GPM: Seriously?
KQ: Yeah, I swear to God.
Back then, they thought PMS was insanity, and when a woman would start PMS'ing,
the doctor would prescribe her a vibrator.
GPM: Well.
Whatever works.
KQ: Get on the Facebook Live right now at Granny PottyMouth on Facebook.
Go right now.
I love you all.
GPM: Yeah, and my thing's on a tripod so it won't be all wiggly.
OHMIGOSH, so, I gotta try to fix this.
Hello everybody.
KQ: She's like my real grandma.
GPM: Ontario Canada. Do you know who this is? Do you know who this beautiful woman is?
This is Kate Quigley, she's a funny comedian.
She's got an Instagram account with like a kabillion followers and she's just amazing.
KQ: You're very sweet.
Not a kabillion, but I love you.
Ohmigosh, you guys, she's the fucking best.
I never . . . I'm so excited that I'm here.
GPM: Tennessee, oooo, look at this, all these people.
Boston here, Go Pats!
Say hi.
She says she's your spirit animal.
Oh, fuck.
I can't keep up with this, it's so fast.
KQ: You have to - you just have to breathe.
Breathe.
Why don't we do Q&A with them?
They can ask us questions.
GPM: Okay, so if you're slow and you ask me a nice question.
NO.
NO filthy!
None of that.
I won't.
I won't stand for it.
Murrietta, that's just right around the corner.
Glen Ellyn, Illinois.
Like fine wine, I improve with age.
Fuck yeah.
KQ: She's sure.
GPM: Favorite meal to make for Sunday dinner.
KQ: Mine's margaritas.
GPM: Mine's reservations.
KQ: HA HA HA !! Granny, high five. That's tops!
Can you make something gluten-free? 'cause I'm gluten-free.
GPM: Well, I can make whatever you wanna eat. You know I . . .
KQ: Pot brownies?
GPM: [the LOOK]
KQ: My favorite day of the week is Taco Tuesday.
I love Taco Tuesday.
GPM: Yes, because they're cheap and they're filling.
KQ: Hey.
That's not why.
It's because tacos are delicious - and - I like Mexican men.
So, a lot of time when I go to taco places, there's a lot of Mexican guys working.
And I, I, I would love to date a guy who worked at a taco joint.
You know one of my dreams?
Chipotle General Manager.
GPM: HA!
We'll get right on that.
KQ: Can you imagine, if you had, like free Chipotle for life?
I'd marry him.
GPM: But, he'd be working all the time.
KQ: That's fine.
That might be a good thing.
I like long-distance, you know what I mean?
'cause absence makes the heart grow fonder.
That's why . . . GPM: Vancouver Island, Canada, I wanna go there.
I really do.
I love to travel.
KQ: Granny, have you ever tried adderall?
GPM: No.
Do I need it?
KQ: Um, no.
GPM: What does dab mean?
KQ: Dab?
Yeah.
Granny. You gotta learn to dab.
You know how they . . .it's like a, it's like a dance move like this, like this, yeah, you
gotta put your arms like, here.
GPM: Like that?
KQ: That's pretty good, pretty good.
I'll show you on the day that we do fitness.
GPM: Fitness! KQ: Guys, I'm gonna make . . .
GPM: She keeps talking about fucking fitness.
KQ: Yeah, you guys, wouldn't you like to see Granny do a fitness . . . GPM: Post Falls,
Idaho.
Chattanooga, Tennessee.
I have a step-daughter who lives in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
KQ: Does your husband ever finish a sentence.
GPM: [giggling] You got me.
You so got me.
KQ: Cam Newton. Thank you.
Listen, Granny, I haven't had sex in a very long time. So . . .
I can't even think about the word "come."
GPM: Sex is not the be-all to end-all to living, I'm telling you.
KQ: It's pretty much the best thing ever.
I do have a magic wand, though.
Shout-out to Magic Wand for sending me a free . . . (vibrator).
Do you have a magic wand?
It's amazing . . . If you don't, I'm gonna get you one.
GPM: It says there's one right up here.
KQ: When is your sexual prime over.
That's what I wanna know.
GPM: Never.
KQ: Really?
GPM: Never. Henderson, North Carolina KQ: Are you serious?
Never?
GPM: Never.
KQ: Guys.
I'm in my 30s and it's sooo bad.
It's so bad.
How like . . . I'm like a teenage boy.
It gets worse?
GPM: No.
It's just always there.
And you realize when it's important and when it's not.
KQ: Granny's still getting it.
Of course. Granny's hot.
GPM: Now, look at that comment. That is so inappropriate.
Jiggle your lady bits.
KQ: That is inappropriate.
GPM: No, that is inappropriate.
KQ: How would you? How are you gonna talk to Granny like that?
GPM: Would you talk to your own grandmother, right to her face, like that?
I think not!
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