I was always coming into auditions with the script
just reading it like this- Me too.
And then other people come in and have it memorized.
Yeah. Yeah.
You want a Cajun accent?
And I was like, "Well, fuck this."
He's got options, I'm just reading.
Every audition is just literally Desus reads this script.
I'm like, "Don't take my baby. Please, don't take my baby."
You're so funny.
They're like, "Give more action," I'm like,
"Don't take my baby. How was that? I got the part?
No? I'm out, alright" ... I take mad waters and leave.
I definitely think those two have banged offscreen.
Yeah, they definitely seem like they've ramrodded.
Because their chemistry is too much.
Speaking of banging offscreen-
Ey!
I thought that was ... I was like wow, we're here.
[crosstalk] Hello. Wow.
So messy.
Guys, Desus and Mero just walked into the studio.
Guys, thank you so much for being here.
You guys are going to be at the New York Comedy
Festival November 11-
11/11, yes.
Bodega Boys Live at Madison Square Garden.
Are you into astrology?
Ah no. Why?
No, 'cause I don't know.
Is anybody into astrology? Isn't 11-11 a special number?
Yeah, it is. It is.
No. You're supposed to make a wish.
That's like 'hood astrology.
That's what guys would say.
Like Babe, you text your girl that you love her.
Like make a wish. Thinking about you.
Making a wish. Making a wish.
If your girl's really simple, you hit her at 12:34,
like 1-2-3-4 babe. I love you.
'Hood astrology is so funny.
There's certain numbers like 666.
Yeah, 420, yeah.
There's certain things that you ... 420, yeah.
But 11-11 make a wish, I still do that.
It's never worked.
Never?
I think it's worked.
Or like an eyelash on your nose.
Nose, yeah. No, I'll take every wish.
I don't think we're keep track of those, nobody's following up.
Oh, I do. No, God and Jesus.
Do you make a chart?
God and Jesus are listening to every single one.
Make it come true.
Wow. I swear to God.
Imagine if you were God, you was like,
"I made all the planets, these idiots are wishing on 11-11?"
He's just looking at it. He's like-
Look at gravity.
Yo, you asshole, it's an eyelash.
I'll take any dumb wish.
It's an eyelash.
I'll get my mits on any,
and even if I think it's completely hog shit,
I'm like "I'll take the God damned wish."
You know what else I'm doing?
To make me feel better about living in New York
I've started throwing coins in the water, on the train tracks.
Yeah.
'Cause you do that in Disney World, right?
Oh. You can make a wish.
And you make a wish, I wanna do that.
Like, a urban wish.
That is so sweet.
So you're like, "I wish my train comes on time."
Yeah.
Do you ever miss the puddle?
[crosstalk] a rat curses at you.
Or worse, you splash up some of the water, gets on your mouth.
That water's pretty fucking opaque.
I don't know if you-
Yeah, that's a good-
The coin just starts dissolving as it goes through.
Yeah, you just see smoke coming out of the fucking thing,
as soon as you threw your penny in there.
It's wild.
Also, I'm pretty sure NYPD would give you a ticket for that.
"Oh, you throwing pennies on the tracks?"
Hey asshole! Come over here.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
That's littering, technically. Yeah.
Yeah. "You wanted to penny on a track?
I'll throw a fucking penny on a track,
how about you, you asshole?"
Do you ever think about how much money you've just lost
by pulling money out of your pocket and-
Oh yeah, all the time.
Today a $20 came out of my pocket and I saw it luckily.
I always just think ...
Or you've just thrown away in the trash
with just cleaning out pockets or purse-
Everything. I lose ...
I just shed debit cards throughout this thing.
I'm like Oprah. "You get a debit card!
You get a debit card! You get a debit card!"
I was walking and I dropped about ...
I wanna say four quarters .
Yeah.
But it was like on 53rd Street,
and there's all these people around.
And people recognized me and I was like,
"Do I really wanna be see bending over for four quarters?"
Chasing a quarter as it rolls all the way down.
Around the street. I got a long stick,
I'm going down the sewer trying to get the quarter
with a piece of gum on the end of it.
That'd be like somebody more.
If I saw like Robert De Niro chasing a-
Like chasing a dollar.
"Oh my God. It's take a penny, leave a penny."
I'm like, "I better go see his movies.
He's not doing so well. He's so humble.
I gotta go see Meet the Fockers, he's such a real guy."
That's so true, when you drop change.
Because if you leave it though, you look like,
"I don't need money."
You know what you've gotta do.
You have to just chase it. I don't care.
Or if you pay for something at a Bodega
and you a dime drops into the gum?
And instead of fishing it out, sometimes I just leave it
and someone will go, "Hey, there's a dime."
And I'm like, "I don't ... "
You just feel like ... Okay thanks. Now I have to-
It makes me feel like an uppity cunt.
Yeah. Exactly.
Oh look at fancy pants over here.
Doesn't need a dime.
And you're getting in your Tesla.
You don't need a dime. You don't have the time to dig
in the Double Bubble for your dime?
I'm sure you guys have heard it before.
Who's this person? Who's-
What we get a lot is people coming directly to us like,
"Who are you? Where do I know you from?"
I'm like, "I don't know. Cops?"
That's so funny.
I don't know. The local news.
It happens a lot.
If other people on the street see us they're like,
"Oh, Desus and Mero." And they're like, "Huh.
What you guys? What are you? Rappers?"
You rap?
Rap for me. Rap. Rap. Rap. Hip hop.
A baby bubba. I'm like, "Nah, we don't do that."
Hot tracks. Somebody isolate that.
Big with the millennials.
You guys have a show coming out on Showtime.
What's going on with that right now?
So cute.
It's just a rip of Ray Donovan. It's completely unoriginal.
Yeah. It's just another season of Shameless,
but I replace William H. Macy and he plays one of the kids.
No, no. It's similar to our last show but more polished.
More, you know-
Bigger.
What process are you in? When is it going to be on?
Do we know what date?
Are you guys just in pre-production?
Starting 2019, still early idea.
You guys. I love this point.
When you have the deal. But it's not in the-
And it's like shush. And all your handles are like,
"Do not say the air date on the air.
On any show. You can't say anything."
Yup. You can't even-
You can't say anything.
Do not even say it. But it's there.
We have it.
Everything is there. Everything is there.
You have the announcement. Everyone is so excited for you.
Everything is being worked on.
It's all coming together beautifully.
We're super excited.
I'm just about to blurt it out but I'm like, "No."
My new this is I just tell people made-up dates.
Yes, okay.
'Cause people are like, "When's it gonna start bro?"
November 38.
April 18!
Black Friday, Black Friday.
February 30th.
First day of Hanukah. First night, sorry. First night.
First day of Hanukah. Wow.
Is that the day party for Hanukah?
You've been holding out on me?
So much of this business is the announcement.
Is the deadline announcement. That's almost like most of it.
Just announcing it.
You guys are in that perfect position of having announced it
and having got all the congratulations
and you're a big ...
But you haven't had to show us anything yet.
So, it's all excitement.
We only expect the greatest from you.
There's no disappointment. I love that phase.
Between announcement and show-date.
It's a delightful feeling, yeah.
We're kinda getting a different result.
Not 'cause people on Twitter ...
People on Twitter hate everything.
They're already like, "Oh wow.
You guys blew your load. You should have been on already.
No one's gonna watch it now. You fucked up."
It's too late.
We haven't even started yet. What's-
I can't wait for this show.
Look at all the stuff that's happening in the world today.
You guys should be on TV covered.
I'm like, the world is still gonna exist
when we're on the air.
Well, that's debatable. Fingers crossed.
Fingers crossed. You know what I'm saying?
Unless I push a button and end it all.
I will do it. Don't say I won't.
Is it gonna be a weekly? Yeah.
Okay. 'Cause you guys used to do four days a week?
Yeah, four days a week.
How was that? How was the grind of that?
It wasn't that bad 'cause it was all off the cuff, improv.
We were just talking. Just riffing, whatever.
'Cause we've met other comedians who work four nights a week,
and they're like, "Bro." They're like burned out.
How do you do it?
Because they have to write everything.
All the scripts. And edits and-
You guys just show up and be yourselves.
It's wild 'cause they're like, "Oh man, this is so nuts.
Me and my 30 writers ... "
I'm like, "30 writers? How do you pay them?
How do you ... We just go in and talk."
It was fun 'cause you had ...
If something happened you had an immediate platform
to react to something.
So now it's like, something happens
and you might send one tweet. Like, "Huh. Showed her."
But it's not the same. It's not the same.
Yeah, what does it feel like not doing it every day?
Does it feel a little bit-
Now you get people come at you and they're like,
"I wish I could get your viewpoint on this."
I'll be in my basement, stoned at 2:00am like,
"Here's my viewpoint via Twitter."
You know what I'm saying? "I have 280 characters out."
It's the same way I feel about this show.
It's like, it's four days a week for two hours.
I literally walked in at 10:03am today.
I was late. First day being late.
Right gang, we all here.
But that's now gonna be the new rag.
The new thing.
And you just talk and people are like,
"How is it? Is it such a grind?" And I'm like, "I'm just myself
and I get to talk with my friends.
It's the great ... We've carved out the greatest ...
I have the greatest job."
That's because you're yourself.
It's not like you gotta come here
and get gemmed up and be like, "I'm going into character mood."
Well, I like to get gemmed out, but-
Nikki Wack Wack. That would be-
You show up, you don't get ready.
Look like shit.
I was just like [crosstalk]
No, but it is just so nice
to have carved out a place in this business for myself
where I don't have to prepare that much.
I just wanna be. And what you can do-
The persona is whack-
And what you can do, what I've gotten fired
for in every other job, just running my dumb yap.
It's like, "Finally, I'm paid to talk back."
Yeah, you think about all those times in the past like,
"If I had said that. I'd be at HR right now."
But now the crowd's like, "Wonderful. Take our money."
I'm like, "I should have done this ten years ago."
Oh my God. Oh wow. I love it. I love it.
Desus and Mero are here in the studio.
Rachel Feinstein is also here.
Make sure to check them out at the New York Comedy
Festival, November 11.
Bodega Boys Live at Madison Square Gardens.
Is it just you guys at Madison Square Garden?
Just us.
Dude. That's insane.
At the Hulu Theater. At the Hulu Theater.
Not the actual Madison Square. We're not doing Drake levels.
Not gonna be Kanye floating on the stage above.
But that's still a big deal.
It's still Madison Square Garden.
If you guys were lowered onto the stage, I would respect that.
If you're ever gonna be lowered-
Oh yeah.
You should be dropped with strings.
We talked about that and it's just like,
that comes out of our own pocket.
And knowing us, we'd each want to cut edges, so it's just like,
"I'll hold the string while you go down,
and have someone else do it for me."
That is so funny that that one activity
would come out of your pocket.
It's like $79.99 to lower yourselves.
The shows are weird. They're like,
"You can do anything you want." They'll pay for everything else.
I was like, "Can I have a microphone on a stand?"
They're like, "That's $2000."
"That's $80000." If you go over two minutes, it's $45000-
What about flames or smoke?
Oh, forget it.
The fire service charges are way up.
If you see us with pyrotechnics, you know we made it.
And monitors and shit like that, on trillion dollar set.
We made it.
We wanna get to U2 levels.
Like, unnecessary flying in on a helicopter.
Putting our podcast on every Apple product.
How about just oiled women petting you?
You could have some friends or something.
Oh wow, yeah.
I'll wear Speedo, yeah. I'll wear Speedo.
There'll be so much body here.
I'll do it for a Starbucks gift card.
Sounds good. Sounds good.
Any amount.
Any amount.
I just like the card.
I like to fill my wallet with different cards.
I actually just used the Starbucks app.
I haven't used it in a while. It got really fancy.
I tried to order from a moving car
and for a pick-up and it got a little sassy.
It was like, "You're seven minutes away.
It's gonna take three minutes to order this drink.
Order when you get closer."
Dang.
I was like, "Wow."
Bitch.
I was like, "Wow. Okay. Let me tell you something-"
Excuse me. When you get closer.
Then you can make your order, sir.
I was like, "Wow."
I have a line. Excuse me. I have to take care of them.
It's really my most-used app.
I get Starbucks three times a day,
and I always use the mobile app.
I look at people in line and I'm like, "You idiots."
"What's wrong with you? Idiots. You guys are maniacs".
Come in all impatient, and you're like,
"A latte for Nikki."
Yeah. "I used the app."
You just push through all the others.
I have it out so the people at the bar know
that that's what I'm there for.
It's like a cop badge. Just walk in like-
Casually.
"Hey, it's the Sheriff of Starbucks."
I love listening to orders.
You order like Meg Ryan on When Harry Met Sally.
Like, it's the most specific order ever.
But it just sounds like a woman who knows what she wants.
Can I have a chai latte with almond milk?
A splash of lamb's wool?
I'm so cunty. I hate my orders.
I always feel so bad. But I always-
What is your main order now?
At Starbucks, it's ... Well, it's ridiculous.
Just say it. Say it!
Today literally the girl goes, "I don't know what this means."
I heard the barista say that to another person.
And I go, "I know that's my drink."
So, it's a venti traditional misto, I don't know ...
A misto is half coffee and half steamed soy.
It is a ... It's a bitch latte.
It's not as strong as a latte, and it's less milk.
It's not as milky as a latte.
But you're worth it.
I had never heard the word misto before.
It's a café au lait
If you were going to the Bodega to get coffee,
I'd be like, "Yo Papi, I'll have a misto."
They're like, "Is that an anime character?
Is he in Infinity War?
I don't remember him from that movie."
So, a misto is ...
It's a café au lait but Starbucks uses Italian phrases,
not French, so you have to say misto.
But it is a café au lait,
which is a common order in a French café.
Okay, I'm not crazy.
Okay, good to know.
And let me just say, 50% of people
don't know where to find it in the computer.
They're always like, "Where's a misto?"
Like, it is a weird order.
Then, okay. Then I get almond ...
They don't call it almond milk, they call it almond drink.
So, it's with almond milk instead of regular.
Light soy ... And then I do a splash of soy,
which that confuses people because it should just be ...
I'm adding soy.
I recently found out the soy milk
there has a candy bar's amount of sugar in it.
So now I just want a little bit of soy milk as a sweetener-
So bad saying a splash of anything.
That's how you ask for that amount.
A Jew's whisper of soy.
Wow. That's one phrase
I would not be saying out loud at Starbucks ever.
"Can I get a Jew's whisper?"
"Can I have an Italian blink of a ... "
"Let me get a Jamaican trailer-load of cinnamon."
And then I get it extra hot, 'cause it's never hot enough.
I get it extra hot 'cause I chug things too much.
I'm a chugger.
And that slows me down from chugging,
'cause it'll burn my throat.
Burn your throat, yeah.
So it keeps me at a normal pace that people tend to sip coffee.
It keeps me sipping.
And oftentimes, they will only fill it up to here because-
That's how they get you.
I hate that.
If I wanted space-
If I wanted a grande, I would have ordered a grande.
I hate when they don't ask you if you want space,
and they just give it to you.
Oh, I don't want room. I never want room.
No room. Just tell them no room.
Don't ever B&B my fucking coffee.
No. I'll get them fired. I'll get them fired.
Wait, you'll Jewish whisper to their manager?
I'm a letter writer. I make sure.
Oh my ... No. Can you imagine?
You sound like my wife when she writes letters for everything.
I've never wrote a letter ever.
Does she really? Does she get stuff from it?
She gets so much shit.
I had never known of this strategy.
If you get something fucked up, you write an angry
but well-worded email or letter.
If you fucking physically write a letter and put a stamp-
Wait, she writes a letter like Benjamin Franklin?
Yeah. That's the only person
I can think of who has written a letter.
My mom used to do that. I've never done it in my life,
but she would get all kinds of free stuff
My mom ... This is bizarre.
Wait, she'll take out a pen and paper? And stationery?
And paper. Yeah. And stationery.
I don't think I even own paper.
I don't know how to write anymore.
I just have to write on the back of my American Express card.
My friend does it, and he writes certified mail
to the head of the company so that they have to answer it.
They have to ... Acknowledge me! Don't just throw me in a pile!
Wow.
She will literally write-
And you get all kinds of free shit.
All kinds of free shit. Very petty stupid thing.
Got an Entiman's cake from the supermarket.
It was bad. Had mold on the bottom.
She was like ... She took pictures of it.
Was like, "This fucking cake had mold on the bottom.
I demand my money back. Blah blah blah blah."
Supermarket gave her a hard time.
She was like, "I'm going to corporate."
Wrote a ... Was a brick and mortar letter.
Put it in a fucking envelope, put a stamp on it, send it-
She had like a five paragraph essay?
Yeah, seriously.
Sent it, and then Entiman's sent back a fucking giant
envelope full of free Entiman's forever.
Wow.
It's like Charlie's golden ticket.
They're all over my house. I lift up my couch cushion
and there's like, "Oh, free cake."
It's true. It takes one cunty note
and you get a lifetime of free shit.
A lifetime of free shit.
Just the idea of writing a physical letter
is so exhausting to me.
I would never do it.
I don't even mail things I'm supposed to mail.
Where do you even get a stamp nowadays?
You gotta go the Post Office?
I went to the Post Office the other day and I was like,
"Do you sell stamps?" And they were like,
"We don't take food stamps." I was like, "No."
Believe it or not, at one time people
put a little picture on an envelope
and sent it across the land.
Nobody has stamps.
You've gotta go to the airport to get rid of something.
It's crazy. [crosstalk]
You go to the Post Office ...
People at the Post Office hate you for using the Post Office.
[crosstalk] Yeah, they get angry.
You're sending a package? Mother fucker.
Why are you keeping us in business?
They just want it to be over.
They want to be put out of their misery.
They're like, "You people ..."
You see the windows
and you see the person sitting there like ...
And you walk over and they're like,
"Did I turn the light on? No. So, go back online."
"Did I say next?"
Mother fucker. "Did I say next?
No, no, no, no, no, no. Did I say next?"
"You want this package next day or overnight?" I'm like ...
"Overnight is next day." "Overnight is not next day.
Overnight means it will reach there at 9:00am.
Next day means it will reach there the next day."
"If you would read the website before you come here,
you wouldn't be wasting my time.
Excuse me, he is wasting your time
because he did not read the directions on the website.
Excuse me. Thank you."
"You know what? We're going to lunch."
"Daniel Baker. Daniel Baker is wasting your time."
"We're going to lunch now. Close your window, girl."
And then they shut the window. Get the fuck outta here.
I've done the thing before where I've called Starbucks
because ... I've called corporate before.
Because I know they'll throw me a free drink on the app.
It's very easy for them to do.
You talk to someone online and what you do is, you go,
"I'm a loyal customer. I swear ..."
You just present yourself as someone ...
"I've spent a lot of money here. And I will continue to-"
I'm a good customer.
I've never given a man a shit job.
I just love your coffee."
I give the finest handies.
Is one free drink enough to [inaudible]
you?
Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause that's five bucks.
Do latte art?
$5 for coffee. I just ...
I'm a lady that can drop $5 on the street
and it's not gonna pain me.
I'm not in a position where $5 is really that much money.
But when you're spending that much on a cup of coffee,
I demand excellence. I demand it.
But here's the thing- This is water and beans.
I feel like she's making a speech at the register
and I'm like, "Damn, I am not making this train."
She demands excellence.
Oh no I'm tweeting like, "She demands excellence."
Only 'cause people working at Starbucks, I'm like,
"You're making minimum wage. You have to ..."
And I've heard the other side of it.
Oh yeah, working at Starbucks. It's awful. It is.
It's awful, right?
It's awful.
I have so much empathy for people who have to work with-
And it was worse.
'Cause it wasn't a standalone Starbucks.
It was a Starbucks within a Barns & Noble.
No.
Which is the Starbucks where people go
and they're obnoxious and they order outlandish shit-
Set up shop all day with it. Reading all the books.
And they're like with 20 magazines.
I'm like, "Fuck you."
And they leave shit, they spill shit on books.
Then it's my fault.
Then the boss comes up and he's like,
"You know they're not supposed to be reading up here?
You're supposed to politely tell them
to move to a different area."
I'm like, "Brah, I'm not going ...
This guys has weird looks on him.
He has a thousand yard stare.
And he's reading 40 Laws of Power-"
You shouldn't have to privately scold people
on top of serving coffee. That's ridiculous.
So what I did is, I got high in the back
and I ate the entire Snickers pie.
So, fuck you.
That's why we have no more Barnes & Nobles in New York.
That one sad one in Union Square.
It's like ...
Everyone just goes there to use the bathroom, and that's it.
That's the only reason to go to Barnes & Noble.
There's nothing better than a Barnes & Noble bathroom.
That's why I'll always complain about ...
I'll complain about product, but never service.
'Cause I've been so terrible
at every single one of my jobs that ...
Just wildly fired from every place.
And fired in like, under four hours before.
I'm like, "Who am I to complain about service?"
I once had a temp job, and it was just a four day job
and it was just answering phones.
They called me on day two
and said, "You don't need to come back."
They were like, "It's not temporary enough."
I wasn't even working there. I got fired from a temp job.
But like, I understand what you're saying.
Service, I never complain. When my dad does a thing ...
Dads never understand
that it's not the waitress' fault that food is late.
It's so rarely the waitress' fault,
but they can not think to the kitchen.
They cannot fathom.
They think she's the one cooking it.
They really do. They really do.
And I always try to explain it is not her fault that ...
And he goes, "Well she's just waiting there."
I go, "'Cause she's waiting for the kitchen-"
For the fucking bell to ding!
What is she supposed to do?
But yeah. What jobs have you been fired from?
Four hours. I mean, that's crazy.
I was fired from a store called Phat Shoes
and Clothes on Broadway and I thought I was so cool-
Phat with a ph?
Yeah. With a ph.
Oh, hip-hop. Hip-hop.
I thought that was truth 'cause I got that job.
I remember it was my first job in New York
and I thought I was like a Beastie
Boy. I work on Broadway in a place called
Phat Shoes and Clothes-
Sabotage!
Yeah, I was like definitely get off my dick.
I told everyone.
"I'm working on Broadway. Phat Shoes and Clothes.
Get right off my dick." And it was so humiliating
'cause I was telling all my friends.
I was like, "Don't call me as much.
I'm working at Phat Shoes and Clothes now.
Give me some space."
I don't have time.
I have an early shift tomorrow at Phat Clothes and Shoes.
Phat with ph.
I really did. I felt I was in the Beastie ...
In my mind, I was like that's it.
And then it was so humiliating
'cause I was fired in under four hours.
Damn.
But basically, I was supposed to get people to buy the clothes.
I was like, "I can't do that.
I can't bother people like that."
That's the worst feeling in the world-
"Can I help you?"
Yeah. And bothering like, "That looks good.
You should buy that." I can't ...
And so, I was supposed to that. And fold. I can't fold.
My fold was a slovenly disaster. He was so ... "Are you a woman?"
He was so disgusted with my folds. My folds were ...
Right away I remember him glaring at me like,
"She has suspicious, heinous folding skills."
"Who's this? I don't know. She's using the board
and she still can't get it right."
I couldn't! I used that dumb cardboard-
Fucking stupid board! Fuck you board!
And fuck Intel and Loft. [crosstalk]
I feel so bad for people in retail.
[crosstalk]
I worked inventory at Intel and Loft.
Noway!
Yeah. And then they got a guy fired for scamming and stealing.
And then they had to do an instant promotion
and they promoted the guy with straight back cornrows
and gold fronts to work the floor,
to where Anne Taylor blouses and tell people,
tell Hispanic Jewish women,
"You look great in this floral length skirt,"
in the sale section.
You know what I'm saying? It was the worst shit ever.
People are like, "Well, this price tag
doesn't match this price tag. I'm switching."
I'm like, "You can't switch price tags on shit."
And I'm just overwhelmed.
"Put me back in inventory, please."
I worked loss prevention at the Gap
on 34th Street during Christmas.
Oh no. What does that entail?
First of all, everything that happens
is just continuous Christmas music
on a loop in the background. Just Jingle Bells.
Tackle a shop-lifter like, "Jingle Bells."
All we had to do was watch to make sure
the register from the basement got to the security room.
But the register would be like $30000
every time they would take it out.
So sometimes people would try to tackle
the people carrying the register.
No way!
So you'd have to walk behind them,
then when they reached the room you'd be like, "Touchdown."
And were you watching just to see
if people were shoplifting too?
No. You were just all about the register.
You'd see people shoplifting and stuff
and you couldn't do anything about it.
I'm like, "Take as many sweater and as many pouches as you want.
All I'm worried about is this register over here."
So that was your only job, was to watch the register?
Only had to ... I did it for like a week,
and then I had to quit. Oh my ...
The Christmas music was driving me insane.
Oh my God.
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus ...
And I'm smelling the ...
Remember when Gap had that cologne that smelt like grass?
Grass scent?
Yeah. I loved grass.
So immediately, I heard the Christmas music,
I smell grass, I'm like oh my God.
And people were like, "Do you have these chinos in a 34?"
I don't even know. I don't work here.
What are chinos?
Oh my God. Yeah.
I was ...
And it's funny, they delegated me to be the guy
to escort the cash register guy to the deposit thing.
Like, I'm running away.
If this guys is getting robbed, I'm out of here.
I'm not fighting over $9.50 an hour.
If the guy tripped with the bag, I'm running out the store.
I'm not ... No smoke.
I'm on the chair like, "Hope he lives."
They like, "You big. You go with him."
I'm like, "No, no, no."
Saw me walking in like, "Everyone, give me your money."
And I'm like, "I don't really work here.
I'm temp. I'm just gonna leave."
I just cover the loss thing ...
I don't know. I don't know who this guy is.
I'm just shopping. I have no idea.
The shoplifting thing ... You realize anyone can shoplift.
They can't do anything about it now.
Yeah, but you always get that one employee
that wants to go a bit extra.
Maybe they tried out to be a cop and didn't make it,
and now they work at Victoria Secret.
"You're not getting out of here with that pair of panties."
Yeah.
Just tase you on the middle of 34 in the crowd.
It's $5 panties.
I've learned that you can just ... They can't.
They give up. They don't care.
They don't care. No one cares.
The laws protect the shoplifters.
Thank God, the laws protect us. They're on our side.
All the rights are on the side of the lifter.
The one time I got, the thing went off.
And I've never been caught since.
But no. The thing went off,
and it beeped, and the woman came up ...
And I could have just kept walking,
'cause every time it beeps you just go,
"Oh, sorry." It beeps all the time.
You just walk out the same time as someone else,
and when they stop, you keep moving.
Oh.
That's how I worked at Center 21.
You just do this confused look like,
"Oh. I would never steal."
Which is what I do every time when it does beep
and I haven't stolen. I just go, "Oh, weird!"
Just give a confused white girl shrug.
Oh man, when you're guilty and that beep happens.
The color drains from your face and away
and you just freeze in a way
that everyone knows you're guilty.
And then I ... I think I wanted to get caught.
You ever do that shrug then take off sprinting?
Yes. I should have.
I have the advantage over all of you
'cause as soon as it goes off, they're like
"Beep beep beep, let me see your bag."
I'm like, "Why? 'Cause I'm black?"
And they're like, "No sir, have a nice day."
I'm gonna try that.
And I just have a TV under my arm I haven't paid for.
I should try that.
I'm here with my sister Nikki. Me and her out shopping.
We're protesting this store. Shut down this Target.
Oh my God. I love you guys so much.
Desus and Mero. You guys. Hear their podcast, Bodega Boys.
If you're not sold by these guys right now,
if you're not already listening, you're gonna be.
Bodega Boys is their podcast. Available on iTunes.
Go see them! November 11th. Thank you so much.
11/11 at the Hulu
Theater, Madison Square Garden. Do not miss it.
You guys are so funny and fun. Thank you for being here.
That's right. Yeah! Thank you.
Shoplift outfit to come to the show.
If I'm in town, I'll be there.
Can we do that? Let's do a thing where me
and you shoplift outfits to go to the show.
I would love that. I need to get back into it anyway.
Thanks for having us!
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