This is a response to PPSimmons' video, "SUPER GONORRHEA!
BRACE YOURSELF!"
I must confess that this is a first for me, since the video I'm addressing features
not only our dear old friend Pastor Carl Gallups but also Mike Shoesmith, that sycophantic
leech whose lips seem perpetually affixed to Carl's anus, and who's better known
to viewers of this channel as Pisspants.
Hello boys!
Now don't be nervous, because despite my insouciance, just like you, I've never had
a threesome before.
But rest assured I'll do my best not to play favorites and to give you both all the
special attention you so sorely deserve.
So let's not dilly-dally, because by now you both know what to do, so while you're
preparing yourselves and I go and fetch the birch, let's play the first clip.
"[Voiceover]: Freedom Friday with Carl Gallups.
The Oval Office of Gulf Coast talk radio.
[Carl]: Back Gulf Coast, welcome back America.
Glad you're in the house with us.
My world-famous producer JC is making everything happen just right."
Hey Carl, I see you've put on your radio voice.
How cute!
I suppose you did it in a sad attempt to be all boss and chill so you can expand your
demographic beyond the Florida blue-rinse set, who listen to you only because they've
nothing better to do while waiting in line for their colonoscopies or their turn to speak
to the funeral planner.
Unfortunately, and I hate to break it to you, it doesn't quite hit the mark and only succeeds
in making you sound like an even bigger twat-flap than we all already know you are.
Now, regarding "JC", I'm assuming you don't mean the original fella, since I strongly
suspect that working for you isn't exactly Plan A for his second coming.
In which case, one can only wonder what he's "world famous" for, since it's obviously
not for his association with your pitiful shit-streak of a radio show.
In any case, you obviously didn't notice that he isn't quite "making everything
happen just right," because the numb-nut truncated your first word, and so based on
this display of his competence I think we can safely deduce that JC's also a fucking
creationist.
Finally, when it comes to your radio show being "The Oval Office of Gulf Coast talk
radio," well, considering the monumental and unmitigated clusterfucks detonating on
Pennsylvania Avenue on a near-daily basis at the moment, and as much as it pains me
to do so, I'm afraid that I'm just going to have to agree with JC on that point.
"[Carl]: In the meantime, Mike Shoesmith is showing up – the executive editor of
PNN News and Ministry Network.
He is a syndicated blogger and an author, and… er… been the co-host and commentator,
and… er… correspondent out of Canada to this show for many, many years."
[Laughter].
Aaaaaah.
Fuck.
I don't know what was funnier here, Carl.
Perhaps it was your pretense that PNN is some kind of international ecumenical media giant,
instead of being run by one bumbling imbecile burbling inanities into a microphone in a
Florida trailer park and a second equally inept cretin doing the same in the cab of
his truck.
On the other hand, perhaps it was your encomiastic introduction to Pisspants as an "executive
editor," a "correspondent," a"blogger" and an "author" when the literary acumen
he clearly displays whenever he opens his mouth strongly suggests that he can't even
write out the alphabet much less use it to construct even one passingly coherent sentence.
Anyway.
Sorry about the cheap shots boys, but I just couldn't resist commenting on that hilarious
display of fatuous self-importance.
So now I've got it out of my system why don't you brace yourselves as we analyze
the rest of your monstrosity.
We'll begin with the source of the article that inspired this impressive magnum opus
of creationist inanity.
"[Carl]: This comes out of the BBC… uh…
U…
UK – m… major media."
Or as you might otherwise call it, Carl, the fake news!
It's funny how the legitimate media sources you generally blanketly decry as corrupt and
untrustworthy suddenly become perfectly legitimate when they happen to be dancing to the same
tune being played by the psychedelic hurdy-gurdy man inside your head, isn't it?
How convenient it must be when your intellectual integrity is as flexible as Hobo Shitlord
when he's polishing his helmet.
Anyway, let's see what exactly elicited this miraculous turn of events.
"[Carl]: So the… so this is at BBC News.
British Broadcasting Corporation.
The… the headline title is 'Oral sex spreading unstoppable bacteria'.
Unstoppable.
Unstoppable.
Brother that word is powerful.
Not, maybe we can stop it.
Maybe we can get a grip on it.
Maybe we can control it.
Unstoppable bacteria.
Now, go ahead."
Thanks for the definition Carl, though I think you'll find that most people outside your
viewership don't really need help with those really tricky words, even if they do contain
a whole four syllables.
Now, we'll get onto what it is about multi-drug resistant gonorrhea that introduced so much
torque into your and Pisspants' underwear presently, but what I found most interesting
wasn't what you had to say on this matter, but rather what you conspicuously didn't.
And that's the fact that this drug resistance wasn't the result of a judicious sprinkling
of pixie dust, but of a combination of well understood and documented physical processes
otherwise known as biological evolution.
Of course, I realize that you'll vehemently deny this by claiming that no evolution occurred
since the gonococci in question "are still bacteria" since they didn't grow a pair
tits or sprout wings.
To forestall this, Carl, it took me all of thirty seconds to locate a very nice review
on the evolution of gonorrheal antimicrobial resistance that demonstrates that it occurred
via the production of new "information" (as you creatards would refer to it), the
generation of beneficial mutations, and the emergence of at least one double mutation,
all of which have been vociferously deemed as impossible by a pitifully bedraggled assortment
of sad creationist numb-nuts including that icon of intelligent design and former scientist,
Michael Behe.
Now, all that aside, the question is why you both took such great interest in a pathogen
that you're as likely to encounter as Paul Ryan is to win the Vatican's "Compassionate
Catholic of the Year" award.
I found it difficult to find a clip that summarized it succinctly, so instead I'll just sum
up by saying that it was because you were using it to encourage people to refrain from
promiscuity by practicing abstinence or monogamy.
As a result, I found myself agreeing with something for the second time in one video,
which I'm sure you can imagine induced a sudden bout of presyncope that forced me to
find a seat for a moment and recover from the shock.
Of course, the motivation behind my advice is a concern for the physical and psychological
well-being of others, while yours is presumably due to your concern for the delicate sensibilities
of an ephemeral, pangalactic overlord with a peculiarly reflexive distaste for what an
insignificant group of under-evolved primates do with each other's genitalia.
And of course, your idea of monogamy is that is should only be practiced under the auspices
of a contract overseen by that same trans-dimensional yet strangely anthropic specter, while I'm
not especially concerned about all that unnecessary paperwork.
Other than that, and believe it or not, Carl, I'm 100% on board with you on this one.
Unfortunately, this brief and surprising congruence of opinion ended just about as abruptly as
it began when you said this.
"[Pisspants]: There is a… there is a… a shocking sentence in this article, ah…
which… which…
er… is… is a major tell as far as what you and I have been saying for many years
about certain activities…
[Carl]: And I think I…
I think I know where you're going.
I'm going to let you say it, but I'm looking at a sentence which has already shocked me
in this article.
[Pisspants]: in the United States, resistance to this… to antibiotics came from men having
sex with men because of… because of pharyngeal infection."
So there it is, boys.
The shitty thread running through your video like the puke running down the front of a
geology student's tee-shirt.
A nice gloating, self-congratulatory "I-told-you-so" circle jerk.
But let's not get too excited here, because it seems that the very review I cited earlier
predicting the very same thing six years ago.
Except, of course, the authors were somewhat more specific by raising concerns about the
possible appearance of resistant strains, while you two numb-nuts have been more concerned
about the concomitant appearance of four horsemen and occasional flurries of fire and brimstone.
And let's not forget that the paper attributed all this to evolution induced by the profligate
overuse of antibiotics coupled to sexual promiscuity, while you were putting it all down to the
squeamishness of your intangible BFF for the dangly bits he himself created coupled to
his short fuse and willingness to resort to biological warfare as readily as an imam resorts
to a fatwah.
It's because of these kinds of differences, boys, that if scientists ever tell us that
that we face extinction because an asteroid is heading towards Earth, I'll immediately
start crapping my pants with fear.
Conversely, if a religious loon does exactly the same thing but tells us that it's because
the voice inside his head told him so, I'll immediately start crapping my pants with uncontrollable
laughter.
Now, your self-congratulatory mutual masturbation didn't end there as you continued gloating
thusly: "[Pisspants]: You know, they say, 'What
does it hurt, Carl?
What does it hurt?
People should just be able love whoever they want to love.
It's not hurting anyone else.'
[Carl]: And people should be able to have sex anyway they want, and in the privacy of
their own bedroom.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't hurt me.
It doesn't do anything.
Leave us alone.
You're... you're just closed minded.
You're… you're a bigot."
You're right again, Carl!
You are a bigot!
Because the fact is that decent people agree that others' choice of who they love and
how they love them is no one else's business, much less that of cabal of emotionally immature,
mentally castrated, intolerant religious fucktards.
What you buffoons are implying here is that gays have been surreptitiously spreading a
plague to we poor unsuspecting, straight people, but what you fail to appreciate, and perhaps
it's not that surprising, is that we're talking about grown-ups here.
Both religious and secular institutions have warned them of the dangers of promiscuity,
so any consensual jiggery-pokery they get up to is with their eyes fully open to the
risks.
In other words, this only affects those who agree to indulge in risky behavior, and taking
that risk is their choice.
That's why we allow drinking once people are old enough to make responsible decisions,
but don't allow drunk driving.
It's why we allow smoking, but not in enclosed public places.
And it's also why we allow vigorously enthusiastic rumpy-pumpy but, despite what some left-wing
loons might think, we don't allow rape.
Get the point, dipshits?
In free societies, we generally disallow behaviors that do or can adversely affect others involuntarily,
and allow those that don't or can't.
It's really quite simple, but I can understand why it might be difficult to grasp for right-wing
loons like you who love to talk the talk when it comes to liberty, but are conspicuously
less eager to walk the walk when it comes to liberties you personally disapprove of.
All this means is that you zealots don't disapprove of this activity because of the
harm you think it's be doing to others, but because of your abhorrent beliefs.
And nothing makes that clearer than your opposition to all gay marriage when lesbians are less
susceptible to STIs that heterosexuals, and that, Sirs, unequivocally makes you bigots.
And what fucks me off about it, Carl, is when shit-heels like you get so upset when someone
dares call you out on the bigotry you proudly wear on your sleeve like an Alt-Righter with
his swastika armband, and yet it never occurs to you that the simplest solution is to re-examine
your personal morals and ethics and simply stop being one.
And nothing better illustrates this reluctance to do the right thing as much as the faux
compassion you puked out here: "But you're going to hear this kind of stuff on Freedom
Friday – we're trying to save your life," which rang particularly hollow when old Pisspants
picked it up, crumpled it into a ball, dropped his strides and gleefully wiped his arse with
it while saying this: "Symptoms [laughs].
The symptoms.
If that doesn't steer you straight, I don't know what will.
I mean, think about it.
This is… er… they're on the verge on no longer having any treatments for this."
Did you hear yourself there, Pisspants?
Did you hear the unabashed glee suffusing your voice at the thought of the suffering
of those filthy homos you and Carl hold in such low regard?
It was exuding from every pore!
I asked Carl this question in my last video, and now I'm going to ask it of you: What
the fuck is wrong with you?!
You get up on your high horse when criticizing me for my "foul language", and then we
find you here being infinitely viler than anything that's ever come out of my mouth.
Is the prospect of human suffering really so funny to you?
Have you any idea how repugnant that was?
So much for "love the sinner, hate the sin", eh, Pisspants?
I suppose you're also one of those so-called Christians who takes such unabashed delight
at the thought of all those heathens burning for eternity, aren't you?
Well, guess what?
I'd posit there are more than just one or two decent Christians out there who'd be
just as disgusted with you as I am, and I wouldn't be surprised if your god's son
would be too should he ever put in that belated appearance you've been waiting for.
Needless to say, when I heard this sickening display of that famous Christian compassion
we hear so much of, I was rather surprised that the "punishment from god" you fundie
fucktards are so especially fond of never arrived.
Don't get me wrong, though, because while you did both waltz right up to that line with
your hands on each other's arses and teetered on it precariously for an agonizing moment,
you didn't quite step over it and instead pivoted deftly to the side and whirled out
of the ballroom to find somewhere a little more private.
So while you didn't explicitly say that these people deserve what they get, Pisspants,
I think we can safely say that that message came through loud and clear.
And just in case it didn't, let's take a look at some of the things Carl had to say.
"And now with this whole bursting forth of the… the radical gay movement, the radical…
you know, the homosexual movement… the…
I mean, er… er… marriage movement, the transgender movement, the… you know… all
of the stuff.
It's getting worse and worse and worse.
But here's deal.
We've been screaming about this, Mike.
Not because we're homophobic.
Not because we're bigoted.
It's because we can read.
And we have brains.
And we come from s biblical world view.
We know what the word of God says about all of this."
[Prolonged laughter].
Oh fuck me Carl.
I think I broke a rib and punctured my spleen.
"We have brains."
[Laughter].
Aaaah, you're a card.
You really are.
[Sigh].
Now, despite your uproariously optimistic assessment of the sickly gelatinous material
that occasionally rents some space in your cranium, you obviously didn't have the "brains"
to pick up the irony in your denial of your bigotry in one part of your video and your
affirmation of your unwavering dedication to a literal interpretation of a book that
recommends execution as the most sensible treatment for homosexuality.
Apparently, those "brains" were also too sluggish to figure out that transgenderism
doesn't equate to male homosexuality and so played no more of a role in the emergence
of gonococcal drug resistance than did heterosexuality, nor that gay marriage might actually be a
good way of promoting that monogamy you two dipshits were waxing lyrical about elsewhere
in your video.
So why did you criticize them here, Carl?
It can't be because of your alleged compassionate concern for the reproductive health of society
because they have nothing to do with gonococcal drug resistance.
So, could it be because of your… oh, I don't know... foul intolerance and bigotry?
You know?
The very bigotry you were just denying with about as much success as the DNC trying to
identify an electable candidate.
Thankfully, though, any further remonstrations on your part will be quite futile because
of the quite spectacular job you did of torpedoing your rusty tub of a worldview with your own
words.
Aw, shit!
There goes the birch.
Looks like it couldn't take the strain and gave up the ghost, which is ironic, really,
because that's also what's slowly happing to your childishly puerile version of your
religion.
Sorry if it stung a bit more than usual, Carl, but the strokes do need to be in proportion
to the stupidity they're addressing, don't you agree?
Still, since you're blubbing like a five-year-old whose ice cream just fell off his cone and
into the sand pit I suppose I should take a look.
Ooooh.
That looks nasty.
I'd put something on that if I were you.
Oh, and you might want to consider bleaching occasionally too.
I tell you what, this may be a good time for us to take a little break anyway, because
we've just finished with the more intelligent parts of your video and you may well need
to recover a little before we get onto the really stupid stuff – including the parts
where you think that the hideously malodorous thoughts on the nature of physical reality
that you belch up with such ease can't be immediacy dissipated by the mildest of breezes
generated by waving a small handful of facts in your general direction.
That also means that I'm going to need a substantially sturdier birch anyway, and judging
by the herculean efforts the two of you will be making to wrest the World's Craziest
Fuckwits title from the flat Earthers, I may well need to have it custom made.
So here's a box of Kleenex for you both to wipe up the blood and the piss, and while
I'm gone might I suggest that you take the opportunity to ponder a little on what we've
been discussing.
After all, I can only assume that the cognitive dissonance is reverberating deafeningly inside
your empty crania because you seem to be so upset at the thought of being called bigots,
even by people who give as much of a shit about you as you do about reality.
So presumably you've managed to understand that being a bigot isn't exactly de rigueur,
and yet you insist on being one simply because your all-loving bestie tells you need to in
order to avoid the odor od singed pubic hair in the afterlife.
So before I get back you might want to ponder on why your god asks you to do something you
obviously feel is wrong, and why you keep insisting on doing it.
After all, it does appear that there are a number of Christians around who've managed
to work this out and get through life by worshipping their god without behaving like insufferable
douches and morally bankrupt shit-bags to their fellow man.
No, don't look at me for an answer – and for fuck's sake wipe up the snot and the
tears – because I haven't a fucking clue how they do it either.
I'd suggest you ask them.
Because if you don't work it out sooner or later, boys, you're not going to be remembered
by future genrations as good, upstanding citizens who strove to do the right thing by treating
all people with respect, dignity and tolerance, but rather as vile and hateful fanatics…
as petty and insignificant little men with cold, shriveled hearts… who went to their
graves despised and unloved and who took their god there with them.
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