K: Hey guys this is Katie from Katie Scarlett Speaks and today I have a friend Andrea
from Andrea Lausell A: Hello!
And she does a series on her channel called
hashtag spina bifida and she talks about all sorts of different things revolving
around her disability and all sorts of things revolving around just life as a
disabled person. Today I wanted to have Andrea on the channel to talk about
things specifically about sex, because there aren't a lot of people talking
about sex as disabled people. Especially with women one of the things
that we struggle with as disabled women is we already have poor representation
in the media for what is expected of us when it comes to things like porn and
what's expected of us how to act with sex and all of those things. But when
you're disabled it's a whole other level because you don't have the ability to
perform certain things or do some certain things as a sexual person. So we
wanted to have a more intimate discussion today about life as a sexual
person, and the conversation won't just be about sex
it will also be about intimacy with your partner having a more intimate
relationship with someone while also navigating the life of being a disabled
person. 1) how do you feel sexy while also being deemed broken by society?
A: Oh I mean that's a new thing for me because I've never really felt sexy
until I started buying lingerie K: was lingerie the distinct marker of your
sexiness? A: of me finding myself sexy yes K: hmm
A: like I just I mean I knew I was attractive and stuff because people have
told me but and like I find my face attractive but when it comes to
like my body I'd never found it sexy or that could even be me because like since
I have such a big scar on my back there's everything in the media shows
like a sexy back and there's nothing on it maybe like a birthmark but it's
usually like and I tan and think and clear
K: yeah like a lean woman who's arching her back delicately and she's got like a perfect
clean no acne scar A: yeah anything and I said it like all this whole like weekend
we've been out here my upper back doesn't have a scar and when I was a kid
I used to say well that's my pretty back and my lower back is the ugly back
because it has a scar so even when I got with my partner when with now he
finds me very sexy and finds me very attractive but I used to be so scared of
position of sex positions where he is looking at my back thinking oh he's
going to be immediately not aroused because he's going to look at my scar.
And I still have those thoughts into this day when we do stuff but I think
the lingerie has helped me because I stopped my mentality of oh let me dress
for him to make him find me attractive, because you're going to be
attractive whatever I wear he's going to get a boner most likely. But let me pick
lingerie that I feel comfortable in and at first it was lingerie that was a
little bit more covered up and then now I'm slowly wearing like more kinky or
lingerie and looking at myself in it that is like super empowering. K: Like I'm
getting turned on right now So HE'S getting turned on right now!
A: you know people who have back dimples yeah that general like area I have a
bump in that area yeah like in the middle so when I would wear underwear
and I would look at how much but my butt in general looks good and underwear but
it always weirded me out seeing my bump because I'm like oh well that doesn't
look attractive but that like g-string I recently bought like I was like oh oh
everything looks attractive and now I'm like constantly looking up lingeries for
myself because I'm like this is nice I like it it my partner is always like the
second person I think of when I buy everything yeah because I'm always like
do I feel attractive in this because because that's always like the most
important thing just trying to combine it because well I
find stuff I feel good in it's a partnership women so I want even if he's
not involved in me buying it I want him to involve in an indirect way I'm
choosing what I'm wearing yeah exactly and that gives me confidence because I
get I get really excited to like like I tell him I'm like I bought a new
lingerie let me know when you want to have sex because I cannot wait to show
you this like I get so giddy like take off like I don't even reveal it to him
I literally stand in one of his big t-shirts and then I stand in front I
have and he's like are you gonna show me I'm like no you take it off like I let
him to reveal but like its a present! I dont want to
to do it myself I get really excited! 2) when you see any depiction of like
romance and sex in movies and television it's always like the man doing all the
work and there's no like the man is supposed to always know what to do and
he always does a really good job and there's no other way of doing it but we
all know that men don't know what they're doing and men often don't do a
good job and that's why so many women out there don't orgasm. Being disabled,
how do you also have the strength to navigate that space because as a
disabled person you have so many other needs to be met while also navigating
that space of teaching someone how to help you in that moment was very
boyfriend I think in a general sense of sex without disability in mind I think
he knows what he's doing it's great um for him for me he's the first person
I've had sex with so he's already not helping me navigate
just having sex in general but I left out that even before we started having
sex our relationship in general was based on communication like we have to
talk about everything and even though now we're very comfortable having sex
and trying new things from when we start, we check around each other during, sex
even when we're getting like really close to like cummming, and stuff, we
still check in like are you okay, and then at the end we check in on each
other. And person it's been it's been fine
navigating on those moments where I can't do something I want to do yeah and
I tell him and then he's like well we'll just figure out this we just get more
creative, but talking to each other about it has like been the easiest thing so I
I don't feel like I have a lot of problems navigating him learning about
my disability because he's the type of person that if he's going to invest time
in something or someone he's going to do his homework and he's going to ask
questions and stuff or even repeat questions that he's already asked I
think sometimes we expect non-disabled partners to be so accommodating to us
that and I do it sometimes I forget to ask him how he's doing and he deserves
just as much accommodation as I do you know so I try to check in with him and I
try to ask him well what do you want me to do to please you and then we try it
out our rule is at least for us and we'd be it we're safe as possible
when we do this but our role is we'll try it once and see if we like it and if
it doesn't hurt and if we don't like it we don't do it again
well yeah uh we tried 69 I hated it yeah I was like no I want to take turns
because I'm too focused on him that I'm not feeling any pleasure but I just saw
the music okay we'll do something else K :yeah so like that's a huge thing that
you have that much communication that those things can change because so many
women who even just aren't disabled like so many women they clam up in situations
like that in their life oh well at least he's happy and A: I get nervous and stuff
like I have a little bit more nerve damage in my vagina and so I don't feel
certain things and I told him it so I'll say we'll play with my boobs that's more
sensitive and he just does that and he knows that gets me off more and then
once he feels that who asked like do you want to do this now steps for pleasure
for him and I'll say yeah yeah the toning and compromising and working
around what we can and cannot hmm exactly 3) accessibility, like what
things that you guys have going on with your relationship that you've created
accessibility in your sexual relationship? because people don't really
think that that's a thing that people need. A: Well communication is our
accessibility because people don't do that in general K: exactly A: for toys
vibrators have been nice, like a pocket one so that he can still like have a
vibrator like on my clit while stimulating my boobs and then we got a
cock ring too and that's good because there's
something there there's a vibrating vibrator on the ring for me and so then
we both get pleasure because sometimes just penetration doesn't do anything you
know for me but it does stuff for him so it's like happy medium and then we got a
sex swing but we haven't used that yet so I don't know what accessibility
things that's going to be but we got it in the in that hopes that it's easier on
him because since I'm disabled he does a lot more work than I do when it's not
oral hmm so he gets very tired and especially because my hips can't do a
lot so the hope is the sex swing eases it for everybody. K: yeah I'm really excited to
hear the review! 4. what would you recommend to someone
who has a partner and they want to get intimate with them but they're feeling
really insecure about themselves in their position, and they don't want to be-
they don't want to feel like they're asking too much? Or they don't want to
feel like they're a burden, or they don't want to feel like they're maybe like are
they or they feel like they're not sexy enough or any of those things? A: you
honestly you just have you have to talk to them in any form you get you feel
comfortable they're not going to be able to read your mind. K: so many people project
their insecurities on their partners and they think like oh my god my partner
thinks I'm gross they probably think this they probably think that oh like
they they probably have all these misconceptions but then the reality is
you just haven't voiced these concerns they haven't had the opportunity to say
I don't think any of those things A: but also I mention it on some of my
videos that I were bladder control pads like 24/7 so before we started having
sex I didn't know if he knew so that was a big hurdle for me and it was
terrifying to tell him but I finally told him because that was my last hurdle
before I was before I felt ready to have sex because me was like take the time
you need and I finally told him and he already
knew because he had like stalked some old videos of me and that he wanted he I
was fortunate he gave me the opportunity to tell him myself and I asked him look
well do you find it gross and he's like no and I until the day I still have I'm
self-conscious about it but he doesn't find it gross he's like honestly I don't
care because I just want you naked it so like I can fuck you K: I mean it's just as
gross as girls being on their period and like A: but I think it's a little different
with a period because everyone's educated on a period you know what K: no
that's that's what I'm saying like he was saying like you said do you find
that gross and he said no and what I'm saying is like that's a good response
from him because it's just like it's a bodily function just like a girl being
on her period the difference is so many people are educated about being on their
period A: well it's a bodily function for period for my bladder control that's
just something happens with my disability and those people can hold
barrier it's not dying and it's especially Sigma ties when you're young
K: Oh 100% oh you're like you're partnered with Ethel the old-lady crew and every one
thinks that you're like 80 years old so A: it's just that's just always a fear
okay like while periods fine and it peers shouldn't gross anybody out
because period blood is clean like that's a whole different time you're a
period sex yeah but urine is sterile but it's still
like it's still gross urines gross regardless yeah because it's waste like
period blood is what really like Oh a life might have used it
as food K: but jk lol no A: yeah so it was just that was a hard thing but at the end of
the day I still kind of had to suck it up and like tell him or else we wouldn't
be having sex yep so I just left then I think like you
kind of just have to do it in whatever way you can communicate the easiest
mm-hmm you know these other ways all these other things that you want to
achieve with a relationship or being confident and stuff it's not going to
happen unless you communicate K: yeah 100% - well the ice cream man
came back I think we're going to end the video there I hope you guys have
a really great day if you want to check out any of Andrea's videos she has her
whole series about spina bifida and you can learn all about that disability and
all sorts of other ways to be more accessible on her channel I'll leave all
the links down below as well as her Twitter and her Instagram and you can
check her out! and if you have any questions about where to get this shirt
the future is accessible our friend Annie made it and I'll leave the link
down below where you can get that and support her as well and I'll see you
guys next time, bye! Thanks making finger mhmmmm it's good I like it you're
A: uh-huh yeah more and more like porn Katie makes Moaning noises off camera.
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