-Big news, you guys.
The producers of "Game of Thrones"
just announced that the show will be back in 90 days,
on April 14th.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then President Trump said, "Ditto for the government."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the government shutdown
is now the longest in U.S. history.
I'm not saying things are bleak, but right now,
Washington, D.C., looks like an abandoned Toys 'R' Us.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, on Friday, around 800,000 federal employees
missed their first paychecks, and instead, they got an IOU.
[ Laughter ]
Things are so bad, federal workers
are crossing the border to look for jobs in Mexico.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
It's not good. TSA agents aren't getting paid,
and one of them said that morale is approaching "rock bottom."
[ Laughter ]
You can tell TSA agents are depressed
'cause when they see mouthwash in your carry on,
they drink it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"You got any vanilla extract?"
[ Laughter ]
The shutdown hasn't been good for Trump, either.
A new poll found that his approval rating
is the lowest it's been in a year.
To give you an idea of how bad it is,
Trump's approval rating is at 43%
while R. Kelly's at a 44.
[ Laughter and applause ] I mean, that's bad.
That is bad.
[ Laughter ]
There's another big story that came out,
that back in 2017, the FBI started investigating
whether Trump was secretly working for Russia.
When asked if Trump ever worked for him, Vladimir Putin said,
"No, he was more like unpaid intern."
[ Laughter and applause ]
On Fox News this weekend, Judge Jeanine Pirro asked Trump
if he'd ever worked for Putin, and he called it
"The most insulting thing I've ever been asked."
Well, other than the time
when Stormy Daniels said, "Was that it?"
[ Laughter ]
But --
[ Cheers and applause ]
But in Trump's Fox News interview with Judge Jeanine,
it seemed like Jeanine had a little trouble
getting a word in. Watch this.
-And many other things, so which is obviously --
-Wh-- -Everybody knows
there was no collusion. -Wh-- Wh--
-McCabe, Lisa Page -- Wait till you see
how that all ends up... -Will you --
-...including some others that I could name...
-Will you release -- -...but I better not.
We'll make front-page news. And that's a big difference...
-But -- But -- -...in the college,
in the electoral college. -Which, of course, they --
-So that's for certain. But it's really --
It's really a shame, Jeanine. [ Laughter and applause ]
-"Wh-- What -- Okay, yeah, that's right."
[ Applause ]
Eventually, Jeanine went out to dinner,
came back, and Trump was still talking, yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some more political news -- this weekend,
former Obama official Julián Castro announced
that he is running for President in 2020.
Yep, he even unveiled his campaign slogan.
Take a look -- it's "One nation, one destiny,"
which is a lot better than Trump's 2020 slogan,
"One nation, one TSA agent."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I promise you that."
[ Laughter ]
Well, over the weekend, I saw that Washington, D.C.,
was hit with a big storm and got a foot of snow.
Yep, the storm showed up, and was like,
"Wait. How is everything already shut down?"
[ Laughter ] "That's my job."
Some celebrity news -- this weekend, Chris Pratt got engaged
to Arnold Schwarzenegger's daughter.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Pratt would have proposed sooner,
but when he asked Arnold for permission,
he had no idea what he said. [ Laughter ]
He was like... [ Gibberish ]
"You got to get to the chopper!"
[ Laughter ]
Hey, it was just confirmed that Maroon 5
is playing this year's Super Bowl halftime show.
[ Cheers and applause ] Confirmed.
Yep, we get to see Adam Levine at a football game,
but somehow, he'll still have the tightest pants.
[ Laughter ]
Some more -- Some more NFL news.
Last week, the Bears lost in the playoffs
when their kicker missed a 43-yard field goal.
So this weekend, a brewery in Chicago
challenged 100 fans to kick the same field goal.
They all missed. Check this out.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Technically, that last one split the uprights.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Even Charlie Brown was like,
"You guys are terrible at kicking footballs."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, this made me laugh.
A woman in Texas was banned from Walmart this weekend.
[ Laughter ]
Banned from Walmart.
Listen to the reason why.
-A woman is being banned from a Texas Walmart
after she spent several hours
driving an electric shopping cart
around the store's parking lot
while drinking wine from a Pringles can.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow. [ Laughs ]
Wow!
Texas police had a lot of questions, starting with,
"How did this not happen in Florida?"
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of drinking, starting next month,
Bud Light will have new labels that show off
the beer's ingredients and number of calories.
And they're not the only beer company
that's trying to be more honest with their labels.
I'll show you what I mean.
For example, the new label for Bud Light Lime-A-Rita says,
"For broke college students and your fun aunt."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"You gonna stay up for a couple hours?"
Next up, the new label for Pilsner Urquell says,
"We're the beer that's been in the back
of your dad's fridge for a decade."
It's like, "You ever gonna drink that, Dad?"
And finally, the new label for Natural Light says,
"We're the 'wine in a Pringles can' of beers."
[ Laughter and applause ]
That sounds good. That's a good slogan.
Wine in a Pringles can.
Fantastic.
Finally, this went viral over the weekend.
A picture of an egg became the most liked Instagram post
ever with over 30 million likes.
Take a look. Yeah.
The egg is so popular, Democrats are begging it to run in 2020.
[ Laughter ] We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots, everybody!
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