"That´s so typical: They always forget to take me. Dogs are only second class humans.
But what do you want to expect from a Jewish nag and a Muslim know-it-all?
30,000 km driving through Germany. Why?
These two think they´re travelling to spread enlightenment.
But I know that my master, Henryk Broder, only wants to show off,
and the other one wants to become German president one day.
My name is Wilma, and from now on I´ll shut my mouth."
A SAFARI THROUGH GERMANY
WITH HENRYK M. BRODER & HAMED ABDEL-SAMAD
"Tell me, is there something like a tolerant religion?"
-"I think, religion and tolerance are mutually exclusive, principally.
I guess if someone is really religious, he or she can not be tolerant.
I think you could do the ultimate tolerance test with every religion.
I once suggested doing a Formula One racing around the Temple Mount [in Jerusalem].
Start and Finish at the Wailing Wall, and preferably on the night from Friday to Saturday."
-"Or even funnier: Oktoberfest in Mecca."
-"With beer selling?
I think we should do the ultimate tolerance test with our German citizens without ´Migrationshintergrund´ [=migrant background].
At the Oktoberfest would be best."
"I believe, among all Germans, Bavarians are most tolerant." – "I think so too, by the way."
-"In Bavaria, you have the mentality of ´mia san mia´[=we are how we are]."
-"Yes. I think an easygoingness towards others always comes from knowing exactly who you are."
-"I really got to say, I was truely disappointed."
-"Maybe in Germany it´s categorically becoming more and more difficult to attract attention."
-"Somehow, no-one got upset [about the burqa] except these few youngsters, these 4 or 5 Turks."
-"Sweetheart, this young man wants to ask you a question."
-"What are you doing? What is it supposed to be that you´re doing?"
-"We are holding a demonstration for religious tolerance."
-"So it´s against Islam?" – "No!"
-"But when I hear that for example in TV they´re making fun [of Islam], then I start sending really a lot of complaints [to the TV channel], I swear.
What kind of religious person are you?" – "I am Muslim."
– "Muslim? And you drink beer?" – "Yes, alcohol free."
-"And what are you as a religious person?"
-"I am Jewish." – "Jewish!?
9/11 was planned by the Jews, and by George Bush, and not by Osama Bin Laden." – "Yes, by America."
"It is so! On this day, 9/11, there was not a single Jew in that house.
Ok? Yes, it was not planned at all by any Muslims."
-"And there were Muslims inside. Lots of Muslims died."
-"Why can you not walk around here in a normal way?" – "I walk around here in a completely normal way!
In the quran, is there any ban on burqas for men?"
-"No, but..."
– "You know what? We´ve been walking around here now for an hour, and not one single German got upset about it.
Do you have sisters? Why are they not here?"
-"Because... Look around, there are so many drunken people here, if our sisters went here, they´d get groped.
People are drunk, they don´t know what they´re doing.
If my cousin or so would come here and I´d see her in a state, like she´d be open here and open there [her dress],
then immediately [I´d send her] back home." – "Really?" – "Yes."
-"You wouldn´t allow her." – "I wouldn´t allow her."
-"You´re hiding your sisters." – "Yes of course we do, because we would be pissed if she had no ´honour´.
The ´honour´ would be stained if she was deflowered. It´s like that.
It´s really like that. It´s disgusting. You don´t want to marry a woman who is not virgin!"
-"My wife was not a virgin when I married her." – "You see, that´s disgusting, isn´t it?"
-"Nope."
"There is this famous Turkish novel `Only without my sister´.
This chastity delusion is also mad, isn´t it?"
-"Exactly. The honour of the entire family is placed between the legs of a woman." – "Yes."
[Turkish-Islamic community of Gersthofen]
"There are customs and traditions and habits that are changing with time.
For example today we dress in a completely different way than 1,000 years ago.
Is it possible nowadays to tell young people not to have sex before marriage?"
-"For a Muslim, the laws of Islam apply.
Outside marriage, Allah forbids any sexual desire.
Being a Muslim means to submit to the laws of god.
Marriage is something that can be put into effect with two witnesses.
If this legal way exists, why should you choose an illegal way then?"
-"What is the difference to Christianity and Judaism?"
-"The difference is that Islam is the religion that has developed as the last one,
and that Islam doesn´t negate Christianity or Judaism in its cores, but completes them."
-"What I liked best was his reasoning why you should not have sex before marriage,
or better why you actually don´t need any sex before marriage:
you can marry!" – "Yes exactly, that´s so simple."
-"He says that sex starts with marriage. Mostly sex stops with marriage!
That´s different with you [Muslims]!"
-"Did you learn about religion in school?"
-"Yes, with us, you cut your teeth on it.
My father is a religion teacher." – "Imam." – "Yes."
-"You really know the quran by heart still?" – "Yes.
I mean, some passages would be difficult,
but it´s like malaria, you never get rid of it."
-"My religion class was much funnier, because I had none.
When the other children in my class were learning religion, I was on leave,
because they wouldn´t do a special class for one single Jewish child in the entire school.
Then I used to walk to an antiquarian bookshop not far away from school, and used to read pornography there."
-"Typical." – "My kind of church service!
Look what Catholics are getting done: It´s really beautiful, this cathedral in Fulda. A real splendour."
-"Yes, and of course the Protestants can´t put up with this.
They are so desperate that they are organising church services for animals now, so that some more people will go to church."
-"And in a tent."
"Help us to see when our fellow beings, the animals, are suffering,
We want to live with them in a peaceful world, and treat them fair."
-"We believe in the purpose and the dignity of our life, because god loves his creatures."
-"And then they distribute vegetarian snacks."
-"You´ll be so friendly and distribute it between the rows, that would be nice.
And a bit of instrumental music will accompany us."
-"Muslims and Jews are allowed to eat this as well?" – "There is no animal inside."
-"This is not animal?" – "There is no animal inside, no."
-"In my days, in progressive churches it was fashion to smoke dope. Now they have vegetarian snacks.
That´s nothing for us, right?"
-"Do you know why we´ve appealed to the holy Franziska Romana?
Because she is the official patron saint of all motor vehicles.
A woman is the patron saint of all car drivers.
In other countries, there are difficulties in allowing women to drive cars,
and we Catholics have a woman as patron saint of car drivers.
That is something! Our contribution to inter-religious dialogue."
"Father, son and holy spirit, amen.
Have a nice driving!"
-"Is this a contribution to driving safety now as well?"
– "This is a contribution to driving safety as long as the blessing was useful for you.
It´s not an automatic braking system." – "Not a guarantee?"
-"It´s a guarantee that if you mean good, it will help you. This guarantee I can give you.
And concerning the blessing: A décolleté corresponds to god´s creation, but it´s not necessarily blessed."
-"In the year 1954, Shostakovich composed the official opening music for the 37. Party congress of Russia´s Communist Party.
And you know what? Today at 12 a.m. this same music that was played on this stalinoid congress will be played again,
and you know where it will be played? At the celebration for the German Unity Day.
In many circles, the reunification [of Germany] means the ´Trabantisierung` [communistification] of German culture.
Treat yourself to everything you want, but don´t treat yourself to a Trabi [Eastern-German car] in your head.
Your IQ has more horse power than a Trabi. Hopefully that also applies to the politicians. God help us, amen."
-"Today you sounded a bit like the Thilo Sarrazin [German author and politician] of the Catholic church.
He also had a big echo with his violation of political correctness. At the same time he got lots of criticism."
-"His assumptions would be more convincing if he had delivered a Christian alternative draft.
If you compare me to him, I must tell you that I don´t earn as much as he does,
and I hope I have more humour than he has, because he is somehow Huguenot-like, he has to work on that a bit."
-"Next to political correctness, is there something like clerical correctness?"
-"Absolutely yes. Clerical correctness is a very dangerous thing, it´s more dangerous than political correctness,
and it´s responsible for many communication problems inside the church.
You´re not allowed to call certain problems as they are..."
-"Neither inside the church?" – "Neither inside the church."
-"You are Catholic by birth, by job and out of enthusiasm.
Does that mean that for you, Catholic religion outclasses the other religions?"
-"Yes. 2,000 years of church history are 2,000 years of history of failure and of holiness.
Catholicism is the only religion that takes human beings totally serious in their ambivalence and in their nature,
it´s the only religion that offers an answer to all questions,
and it´s the only religion that frees you from guilt through the sacrament of confession.
If this is not enough...
Catholic church will be lost at the moment when it adapts to zeitgeist so much that it will not be distinguishable anymore.
Zeitgeist adherers are serial monogamists.
After hearing a preaching, or an annunciation, you have to at least know against what you should be."
-"Did I promise you too much? Isn´t that man great?"
-"The man is really great. He can become pope if you ask me."
-"He can become god if you ask me.
You can´t argue about one thing anymore: God did not create the humans, but the humans need god.
But you see... I get goosebumps when I hear one has to follow a book,
quran, bible, old testament, new testament, because it´s word of god.
That´s ... I can´t even discuss about it anymore, I find it so unspeakable.
And moreover, these are all self-service shops. You can be in favour of death penalty out of faith, or against death penalty,
you can have every opinion."
-"Right, that´s why I am angry when people try to legitimate the coexistence of people with ´holy books´.
Every religion that has developed a writing culture reserves the right to owning absolute truth.
And here the hamster starts limping." – "Yes."
I AM ATHEIST, THANK GOD!
RELIGION NO THANK YOU!
"Why are you believing?" – "We grew up with faith."
"Did you talk with god once?" – "No, but if you have problems,
you think that there is somebody, and that gives power."
-"That could also be the grandmother!"
-"I don´t want you to mock Jesus. I love Jesus." – "Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
-"No, I ... I just love Jesus."
-"Religions are exactly the ones that do disgusting things.
When a bomb explodes, then it´s one religion or one god against the other."
-"Do you believe in god?" – "Yes of course!" – "Really?" – "Yes!"
-"That´s why you didn´t contracept."
-"If you say that god does not exist, that´s devilish."
-"Why?" – "Well, why?"
-"You know what I find great? My wife is also taller than me.
And does it work well?"
-"We are all in paradise, we´re sleeping there as angels, and we´re dreaming to live on earth as humans."
-"One day you´ll die, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow,
and then you come to judgment.
There is a hell where you will suffer forever, for eternity.
You can decide yourself... Jesus liberated us..."
-"Henryk! Henryk, come quickly, otherwise I´ll become a Christian!"
-"Servus [=hello]! Do you believe in god?
Really?" – "You don´t?" – "No.
It´s written here: I am atheist."
-"Your parents were believers. Your parents were believers."
-"Yes, but then god left them alone.
Then god made a break, and mother was in the livestock wagon [to the Nazi death camp]."
Augsburg synagogue, built in 1917
"Concerning Auschwitz, god made a break for tea, right?"
-"We [Jews] survived despite Auschwitz.
I negate emphatically - it´s difficult to talk about god -
but I negate a divine responsibility for Auschwitz.
Humans make free decisions,
as it´s written in the torah: ´Look, I´ve put in front of you good and evil,
life and death. Now choose life!´
You can choose death. Humans decided to kill humans, to extinguish humans, right?
God gave this free decision to us humans... That makes us human."
Simchat Torah: Celebration day of the torah.
"Why are the Jews god´s chosen people?"
-"I could answer because it´s written in the bible, and because he told us.
But ´chosen´ doesn´t mean especially privileged, or better than others.
It means chosen for a task.
Sometimes, especially after the shoah [killing of Jews in Nazi Europe], the Jews were asking:
Dear god, why won´t you choose someone else from time to time?
Because this choice and the misinterpretation that [Jews] are arrogant and haughty caused us a lot of pain and suffering.
But nevertheless: This demand ´You are my people, now go with the torah and teach the way of righteousness and human kindness´,
this is our task."
-"How many commandments are there in Islam? Five? Five basic commandments?" – "Yes."
-"We have 613." – "I told you already: A psychopath invented this."
-"613. But everybody knows it´s impossible to adhere to them.
So there are techniques to cheat god.
I grew up secularly. My parents belonged to the famous ´3-day-Jews´:
Three times a year they went to synagogue, for the so-called ´High Holy Days´.
And you know that on holy days, Jews are not allowed to make fire,
meaning they are also not allowed to move a car, because figuratively that is making fire.
So I had to drive my father to synagogue, but he always got out of the car around the corner so the others wouldn´t see it.
The silly thing was that the others also were driven by their children,
and there always was an immense traffic jam at the corner of the synagogue.
Without any problems, would it be a genuine Jewish life? Wouldn´t we miss something?"
-"You can see Jewishness as a continuing culture of debate as well – and I mean that in a positive way –,
because right from the beginning, questions were always asked.
Thank god Jews are not taught to believe blindly.
Apart from divine unity – and I think we agree with Islam here – apart from divine unity it´s possible to question everything."
-"Ah, and I kept asking myself: where does Henryk Broder got this from? Now I understand many things!"
-"In this sense, I am a real Jew!"
-"And how!"
-"What would the world be missing today if all religions were non-existent? What do you think?"
-"I believe new surrogate religions would come up immediately.
Like the idea of global warming that will lead to the end of the world. That is a typical religious apocalyptical idea.
That is ´end of the world´ in a secular style."
-"Did you ever watch the ´Stuttgart 21´-vow on Youtube? [protesters against the construction of a new central station in Stuttgart for ecological and economic reasons]
That´s incredibly pseudo-religious."
"We´re vowing to protect the [old] central station!"
"We´re vowing to protect you, you eastern wing!
"The northern wing! The southern wing!
"We´re vowing to protect you, you Spätzle serving! [Swabian local speciality]
"We´re vowing: We won´t forget you!
CDU, SPD, FDP! [political parties in Germany]
-"That´s as if they would march into battle soon.
Crazy, these Stuttgart inhabitants, aren´t they? I wouldn´t have expected it."
-"Yes, it was like a camp service." – "Yes, or like a Reichsparteitag [annual rally of the Nazi party].
This video is great. We should conserve it in a capsule and send it drifting through space for all eternity.
In case there are any intelligent beings out there who intend to visit us, and they find this video, they´ll turn around immediately."
-"Never say ´without alternative´ again!"
-"Religion should be reprivatised again." – "Exactly, reprivatised."
-"I feel, religion is like sex: I don´t want to watch anyone praying.
Do whatever you want, but shut the door." – "That´s a good picture.
And when I´m interested, I can buy a DVD.
[in a DVD shop], there could be a church service department, a hate sermon department..."
-"Here, an ´Erotik-Fachmarkt´ [special store for erotic].
What´s the name of our boxer? Pierre Vogel [a former German boxer, now Islamistic preacher] would say:
Where can I find religious videos here? – Over there, Sir, in the room for adults."
-"Cute, isn´t it?" – "Yes, like the entry to a childrens´ circus."
-"The thing I can´t understand is why in every religion only certain insiders are allowed to enter.
So what would happen if I entered here now? You think the gods would be angry?"
-"No, only the priest." – "Only the priest would be angry?" – "Yes.
But I think the principle is that every god and every goddess has his or her own temple."
-"Yes, it´s this principle of plurality, what I actually like a lot about Hinduism."
-"And what I like even better is... look up there!
The breasts! Bar-bosomed women.
In a temple of all places!
That must be a peaceful religion indeed, I think." – "Yes."
-"Can people join Hinduism? Can people convert to Hinduism?"
-"No, it´s not possible."
-"So one must be born a Hindu?" – "Born a Hindu."
-"What does destiny mean to Hindus?"
-"The ´karma´ is important for people."
-"If I get sick, it´s my karma?"
-"A normal sickness is not karma.
With a heavy sickness, for example cancer, god wants to show you a bit that you are at the end of your lifetime,
and that at least in that time you must do everything well."
-"There are people who are born poor, or people who are born rich, into a rich family. Is this karma as well?"
-"This is their karma as well.
People ask themselves: Why am I so poor, why do I have to cry so much,
but in this case they should think:
Maybe in my former life, I made mistakes somewhere."
-"Do you have relatives in Pakistan?" – "No."
-"Do you believe that the last big flood disaster in Pakistan was sent by god as well? Karma?"
-"That is karma in life." – "Karma as well?" – "Karma."
-"God has a big plan. People have only a small plan, but god has a big plan... Who, what, when..."
-"Does every person have to believe?"
-"Clearly, of course! When a person is without faith, life is destroyed."
-"When persons are without faith, then...?" – "Life is destroyed."
-"Well, I guess the Hindu thing is no option for us, is it?
Somehow unsatisfying for me, the thing with the rebirth, you know? That makes me nervous."
-"Yes, when I have bad luck, I get reborn as a mosquito and get smashed by a Dutch on a camping site.
A horrible vision! And the worst thing for you would be to get reborn as Henryk Broder!
That´s worst, I guess."
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