Back in 2015, I came out as queer.
For views.
And it was very successful.
Before making that video, I had around 200 subscribers.
Now I have over a thousand.
But my channel has been a little stagnant recently, and I've realized that it must
be because I haven't been following the Gay Order's Ordinance Detailing a General
Agenda for YouTubers,
or GOOD GAY for short.
Now if you're unaware, the GOOD GAY Agenda lays out a basic timeline to follow once you
come out as queer on YouTube.
Let's run through it.
Day 1: You come out of the closet.
Cry a little bit.
You're broken inside.
Days 2 through 35: Everyone has been so supportive, and you're truly grateful.
Because of the kindness of your fans, you no longer feel broken inside.
And everyone should be be sure to subscribe so you'll be even less broken.
Days 36 through 522: You collab with some cute gay or queerbaiting boys.
Get everyone speculating.
Maybe use some ship name hashtags.
Day 523: This is it.
The grand reveal.
The Boyfriend Tag!
You reveal your hot YouTube boyfriend with a similar sub count as you to the world.
Days 524 through 999: You have a daily vlog with your boyfriend.
Get a puppy.
Lots of fun.
Day 1,000: You propose.
And then over the next couple years, you've got the wedding, some domestic bliss, you
adopt a child,
film that child's entire life so that they never know what it's like to live without
the world watching.
Just like a straight couple.
Because that's the point here is to show that we are normal.
We're no different from the heterosexuals.
We will also exploit children for YouTube views.
Now I came out three years ago, and I still don't have a hot YouTube boyfriend.
And I think at first the views weren't affected because people figured that I had started
young, you know.
That timeline would have had me getting married at 18, so sure, I was behind schedule, but
maybe I would get there eventually.
And now, they're starting to realize that it's just never going to happen.
Puberty wasn't as successful as they had hoped.
I have no social skills.
I'm going bald at 19.
It's just clearly not gonna happen for me.
But in this video, in order to regain the momentum of my YouTube career, I am determined
to find a boyfriend and do the boyfriend tag.
[click]
[intense music]
My first step was to create an application to find boyfriend candidates.
So as I explain here, the ideal applicant would have a YouTube channel with a lot of subscribers,
uh,
be nice and cute and smart and fun,
laugh at all of my jokes because I'm really funny,
and, uh,
be a boy.
For gay purposes.
I made sure to include questions to weed out any unqualified applicants and included a
spot for a cover letter and resume.
Then I shared the application across my social media platforms, and it was time to wait.
Zero responses.
[sigh]
[sigh]
[sad music]
I guess I should have realized that nobody could ever love me.
Banking on my fame alone clearly wasn't working, so I decided to turn to Tinder.
Okay, so I got the app.
Log in with Facebook...
It suggested that I add a profile photo from Facebook,
but these are all octopuses.
I don't really have any good pictures on my camera roll, so I'm just gonna take one now.
Uh...
[click]
Add that. Great.
I think it's good to do a picture with friends to seem, like, social and fun,
but I don't have any,
so, um,
I'm just gonna... just gonna do this now.
[click]
I mean this is like the only genuinely good picture on my phone, but it's from when I
was fifteen,
so that- that feels wrong.
I'm just gonna use my profile picture, because whoever I match with, I've gotta make sure
they're on brand.
About me...
I'm... gay...
My job title is "famous YouTuber".
How do I see their descriptions?
Oh...
Oh!
Oh, I got a match.
Uhhhh...
Send- send message.
I didn't think ahead about what I should say to someone.
Uh...
Hi, are you famous?
All the YouTube videos make Tinder look so fun, but I'm getting very little out of this.
I've decided I need to look through everyone's pictures to see if they have a dog,
because if they have a dog, that's an instant right swipe.
Yeah, no dog.
Goodbye.
No dog.
No dog...
Dog!
Who's a good dog?
Oh, that's a rabbit!
Okay.
Okay, that's good too.
Does a dog Snapchat filter count?
That seems close enough.
I'm out of likes?
You can run out of likes?
I only matched with Daniel, and he's not replying.
Um...
If I had known I could run out of likes, I would have reconsidered my whole strategy.
Looking for my boyfriend online was getting discouraging,
so I decided to try the old-fashioned approach.
I printed out 200 flyers and took to the streets hoping to meet my boyfriend out in the real world.
I got a response.
Oh my god.
Oh my god, I got Tyler!
That's right, famous YouTuber and gay person Tyler Oakley had filled out my application.
So I sent him an email at his provided email address,
realtyleroakley@notacatfish.com,
excited for our relationship to flourish.
[boom]
[sad music]
It's been 5 days since I emailed Tyler.
I sent him 12 follow-up emails.
Still no response.
I think I'm starting to realize what my problem is.
I think it's that I seem weird and desperate.
Even though I'm actually cool and chill.
Having come to this realization, I now understood that what I needed was to make it seem like
I wasn't trying.
I needed cute YouTube boys to come to me without me reaching out to them in any way.
And I had the perfect solution to make this happen.
An international pre-roll advertisement that ran on thousands of YouTube videos for users
across the US, UK, and Montenegro.
Hi, I'm Théo!
If the video following this pre-roll is from a cute gay YouTuber, please keep watching.
We have business to discuss.
If not, please skip the ad immediately.
Your view costs me money.
So here's the situation.
My channel, TheLetterFifteen, subscribe today, has been a little stagnant recently,
so I'm looking for a cute YouTube boyfriend to get the numbers back up.
I've reached out to some people myself, but I think I seem a little desperate.
So I've realized that what I have to do is make their audiences seem desperate instead.
Here's what I need from you.
You need to go down to the comment section and leave a comment that says.
I totally ship you and Théo.
Hashtag... and then make a ship name for us.
I don't know who's video this is on so you'll have to figure out the ship name
on your own.
Ideally, this YouTuber will reply and say something like "Who's Théo?"
and then you'll say,
"You know, Théo, from that great YouTube channel TheLetterFifteen. You should ask him out."
You're welcome to improvise a little bit.
Be creative.
Make it seem natural.
But don't let on that I sent you.
Because that would make me seem desperate, and I'm not desperate, so that would be
misleading.
Some of you are probably now wondering, why should I do this?
What's in it for me?
And here's what you have to realize is that by leaving these comments,
you are contributing to a movement that will improve society on a large scale.
This is the cure for homophobia.
Right now, there are millions of young queer kids out there who feel broken,
and who feel like they'll never be comfortable being who they are.
But by seeing this healthy, happy same-sex relationship between me
and some other random YouTuber,
they'll see that it's possible for them to someday feel okay with who they are,
not now when they're single obviously but someday in the future when they have a boyfriend.
And you can help give them that hope.
Using analytic data about where and when my ad had been seen,
I was able to track down comments that people were leaving about it.
Many of the commenters didn't do as instructed.
But gradually, some did.
And then more!
And then…
[boom]
[sad music]
Yeah, still no boyfriend.
I don't get it.
I'm doing what I'm supposed to, right?
I'm doing what I'm supposed to to stop feeling lonely.
I'm trying to follow the good gay agenda.
When we feel broken or alone, we tell ourselves that it gets better because one day we'll
find a man.
And we'll find a happy normal relationship like a happy normal straight couple,
and we'll get straight gay married and start a straight gay family
and be a straight model for gay relationships everywhere,
and then everyone will see that we're just like them,
and we'll fit in.
We'll belong.
And we won't be alone anymore.
And it doesn't matter if that's what I want.
It doesn't matter if I want this good gay lifestyle with a good gay husband in a good
gay nuclear family.
Because I want to fit in and belong and not be alone, so I guess that's my only option.
It's exhausting not knowing what I want,
so I guess I'll just want what you've told me to.
And I'm excited to introduce you to my new boyfriend!
His name is Steve!
[intense music]
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